Rudeus_Greyrat
Member
- Oct 13, 2024
- 44
Two months ago, my life was this:
I woke up every day, surrounded by love, in a cozy room with all the good things you can picture, with either my brother or my girlfriend next to me. He was the best friend I could wish for, always ready to play some videogames, joke, or cook lavish meals; like having a chef as your best friend. She was incredibly beautiful, the cutest, smartest, and sweetest girl I have ever seen.
She understood me perfectly, and loved me with all her heart. We also shared the same sexual fantasies; literally, the girl of my dreams.
We three liked anime, videogames, and manga, and we would cosplay together as our favorite characters. We played together, laughed together... We were a happy, if unusual, family.
We had a plan. They both became engineers, which granted us looots of money, and I (unable to work due to a mental condition and burnout following some issues with having to withstand family debts) handled them, because I'm quite talented at investing and organizing. It sounds absurd, right? But it was real. No red flags, no lies. All real.
It was marvelous. I acted as some sort of househusband, cleaning, and sometimes cooking. The rest of the day, I played videogames, or walked in the woods, like if I was a millionaire on retirement. No worries, no uncertainty. I literally got praised for getting all the achievements in my favorite games.
They loved me, and cared for me deeply. They understood me, and I understood them. I never felt sadness, or wished for a happier life. No responsabilities aside from handling money.
I was never alone. I was never worried. It was like living in a dream that not even the richest man in the world could buy. I didn't even have to drive a car.
I felt like royalty, bordering on godhood. They promised me the world, that we would go on living in a place near the sea, our favorite place.
We dreamt of wonderful evenings together, movies, travels, luxury, everything this world had to offer. A perfect, small paradise, only for us, away from the ugliness of the "real world".
They told me I would never have to work, or suffer again. That I would never feel alone, or abandoned, again. They lifted off the weight I carried since I was a child.
This would go on for 5 years.
And then, in no more than a month, everything suddenly vanished, like if it never existed in the first place.
One day, my girlfriend left me, apparently due to some small discussions that escalated into something that never existed. From the one who helped her to become who she is today, and her reason to live, I became a monster to be erased and forgotten. She told me I was at fault for everything wrong in her life, and in a matter of days she literally transformed in another person, with a totally different personality. She got back in touch with people she despised. She broke every promise that she ever made, like nothing.
I cried, begged, pleaded, but to no avail. I desperately turned to my brother for support. He promised he would never do what she did. That we could still follow the plan, together.
And the day after the last time I saw her, he wrote me a message saying he was going away from home, and that from that moment, I'd be on my own.
He too changed for the worst, becoming everything he always despised. My mental condition became "being lazy". I became a burden, not a blessing.
They both became shallow and superficial, embracing that world that we all hated with such burning passion. They forgot me, and what I did for them, like if I was trash.
Now, my life is like this:
I wake up everyday, surrounded by memories and ghosts. I'm all alone. All my friends disappeared together with them, aside from one or two people I never really liked that much.
I can't play videogames, watch anime, or anything, because anything reminds me of them, and my perfect life. I don't even have the strength to open my eyes when I wake up.
All day long, I'm haunted by knowing that their life without me goes on, and that they have a successful future in front of them. Something I got robbed of. If they didn't promise me the world, if they didn't make me feel so loved, happy, rich and fulfilled... I could still try something, just to survive. But with 5 years of job gap added, living an impossibly happy lifestyle? That's absurd.
No one loves me anymore. My parents barely acknowledge my existence. No girl catches my interest, not on the outside, nor on the inside.
I never understood people, and people never understood me. I have no money, no skills, no future. From always having someone to your side, to being so alone that you hug a pillow while you sleep, crying yourself to oblivion. I only talk to myself, I'm feeling like Gollum from LOTR.
I talk with people, but it's not the same. It's like interacting with NPCs. But I had real humans to interact with, once. No one in this world really cares about anyone. But I felt cared for.
I felt like a millionaire without having to worry about working, and now I must force myself to learn a new skill, otherwise I'll end up on the streets one day.
But I'm too sad to do anything. If at least one of them gave me some time to get used to this harsh reality. If they didn't promise me everything with such burning passion.
Even if I put all my strenght towards learning how to code, and somehow, ridicolously, end up building a nice career, in the best case scenario (realistically, not happening), I wouldn't get them back. My brother is irreplaceable, literally. You can't replace a sibling who grew up with you like a twin for 27 years. And my girlfriend even more, despite there being plenty of fish in the sea.
She was a siren, and in this 5 years we've been together, I never saw anything as beautiful and perfect as she was.
I've been too happy, for too long. No one should experience this kind of happiness. It leaves you without nothing to dream of, aside from time travelling.
At this point, I ask you. After living such a perfect, impossible life, nothing will ever compare. Nothing will ever be as happy as this. What should I strive for? Loneliness, and a career?
Why, why should I strive to suffer my entire life here, knowing that I experienced a forbidden amount of happiness, a reality that everyone dreams about, for 5 years, only to be plunged back in a horrible, empty and sad world that normalize slavery, suffering and loneliness, where you can't trust anyone, and trusting people like I did is considered foolish and dumb?
What's there for me, in a world that refuses me so deeply? Why shouldn't I simply move to the next world? Why should I endure the pain of remembering?
I live, fearing the day I'll meet my ex girlfriend with her new boyfriend. I live, fearing the day I'll see my brother living a happy and fulfilled life. Fuck this. I refuse to do so.
I'm so tired... I want to let go of all hope. I just want to go home.
I woke up every day, surrounded by love, in a cozy room with all the good things you can picture, with either my brother or my girlfriend next to me. He was the best friend I could wish for, always ready to play some videogames, joke, or cook lavish meals; like having a chef as your best friend. She was incredibly beautiful, the cutest, smartest, and sweetest girl I have ever seen.
She understood me perfectly, and loved me with all her heart. We also shared the same sexual fantasies; literally, the girl of my dreams.
We three liked anime, videogames, and manga, and we would cosplay together as our favorite characters. We played together, laughed together... We were a happy, if unusual, family.
We had a plan. They both became engineers, which granted us looots of money, and I (unable to work due to a mental condition and burnout following some issues with having to withstand family debts) handled them, because I'm quite talented at investing and organizing. It sounds absurd, right? But it was real. No red flags, no lies. All real.
It was marvelous. I acted as some sort of househusband, cleaning, and sometimes cooking. The rest of the day, I played videogames, or walked in the woods, like if I was a millionaire on retirement. No worries, no uncertainty. I literally got praised for getting all the achievements in my favorite games.
They loved me, and cared for me deeply. They understood me, and I understood them. I never felt sadness, or wished for a happier life. No responsabilities aside from handling money.
I was never alone. I was never worried. It was like living in a dream that not even the richest man in the world could buy. I didn't even have to drive a car.
I felt like royalty, bordering on godhood. They promised me the world, that we would go on living in a place near the sea, our favorite place.
We dreamt of wonderful evenings together, movies, travels, luxury, everything this world had to offer. A perfect, small paradise, only for us, away from the ugliness of the "real world".
They told me I would never have to work, or suffer again. That I would never feel alone, or abandoned, again. They lifted off the weight I carried since I was a child.
This would go on for 5 years.
And then, in no more than a month, everything suddenly vanished, like if it never existed in the first place.
One day, my girlfriend left me, apparently due to some small discussions that escalated into something that never existed. From the one who helped her to become who she is today, and her reason to live, I became a monster to be erased and forgotten. She told me I was at fault for everything wrong in her life, and in a matter of days she literally transformed in another person, with a totally different personality. She got back in touch with people she despised. She broke every promise that she ever made, like nothing.
I cried, begged, pleaded, but to no avail. I desperately turned to my brother for support. He promised he would never do what she did. That we could still follow the plan, together.
And the day after the last time I saw her, he wrote me a message saying he was going away from home, and that from that moment, I'd be on my own.
He too changed for the worst, becoming everything he always despised. My mental condition became "being lazy". I became a burden, not a blessing.
They both became shallow and superficial, embracing that world that we all hated with such burning passion. They forgot me, and what I did for them, like if I was trash.
Now, my life is like this:
I wake up everyday, surrounded by memories and ghosts. I'm all alone. All my friends disappeared together with them, aside from one or two people I never really liked that much.
I can't play videogames, watch anime, or anything, because anything reminds me of them, and my perfect life. I don't even have the strength to open my eyes when I wake up.
All day long, I'm haunted by knowing that their life without me goes on, and that they have a successful future in front of them. Something I got robbed of. If they didn't promise me the world, if they didn't make me feel so loved, happy, rich and fulfilled... I could still try something, just to survive. But with 5 years of job gap added, living an impossibly happy lifestyle? That's absurd.
No one loves me anymore. My parents barely acknowledge my existence. No girl catches my interest, not on the outside, nor on the inside.
I never understood people, and people never understood me. I have no money, no skills, no future. From always having someone to your side, to being so alone that you hug a pillow while you sleep, crying yourself to oblivion. I only talk to myself, I'm feeling like Gollum from LOTR.
I talk with people, but it's not the same. It's like interacting with NPCs. But I had real humans to interact with, once. No one in this world really cares about anyone. But I felt cared for.
I felt like a millionaire without having to worry about working, and now I must force myself to learn a new skill, otherwise I'll end up on the streets one day.
But I'm too sad to do anything. If at least one of them gave me some time to get used to this harsh reality. If they didn't promise me everything with such burning passion.
Even if I put all my strenght towards learning how to code, and somehow, ridicolously, end up building a nice career, in the best case scenario (realistically, not happening), I wouldn't get them back. My brother is irreplaceable, literally. You can't replace a sibling who grew up with you like a twin for 27 years. And my girlfriend even more, despite there being plenty of fish in the sea.
She was a siren, and in this 5 years we've been together, I never saw anything as beautiful and perfect as she was.
I've been too happy, for too long. No one should experience this kind of happiness. It leaves you without nothing to dream of, aside from time travelling.
At this point, I ask you. After living such a perfect, impossible life, nothing will ever compare. Nothing will ever be as happy as this. What should I strive for? Loneliness, and a career?
Why, why should I strive to suffer my entire life here, knowing that I experienced a forbidden amount of happiness, a reality that everyone dreams about, for 5 years, only to be plunged back in a horrible, empty and sad world that normalize slavery, suffering and loneliness, where you can't trust anyone, and trusting people like I did is considered foolish and dumb?
What's there for me, in a world that refuses me so deeply? Why shouldn't I simply move to the next world? Why should I endure the pain of remembering?
I live, fearing the day I'll meet my ex girlfriend with her new boyfriend. I live, fearing the day I'll see my brother living a happy and fulfilled life. Fuck this. I refuse to do so.
I'm so tired... I want to let go of all hope. I just want to go home.
