Venting Living in limbo

[Michi_Violeta]

I am going through the hardest crisis in my life, all triggered by my ex breaking up with me out of the blue to replace me with another man. Right now I'm stable, but I wish I weren't because I feel no hope: nothing in my life has changed and I've got no will to go on, I'm just drifting along because I haven't had the courage to ctb because of my mother. I don't feel profoundly in pain or suicidal, but I know I hate myself and my life and that there's no reason to have any hope. It's like a battle with myself in which my own body doesn't allow me to feel the way I should feel.

I've been diagnosed with depression for around 12 years now, was medicated for a while. I've dedicated myself all these years to keep trying, to rise up after my first ex left me for another man after a relationship of almost five years. I've been trying to follow my childhood dream of racing cars, even at a very amateur and low-budget level, and trying to fix the mistake of picking a wrong bachelor's. In 2023 I was in a place in life in which I was the best version of myself, not everything was perfect, but I was motivated to keep going and give life my best shot.

Then I met her. I was happy. I worked on myself, on my projects, I did my best to work on having a stable future which I didn't at the time. She made me an ultimatum, asked me to promise her a future together when she knew full well I wasn't yet in the capacity of offering because I had no clear career path, and then she dumped me for another guy. A guy who, according to friends in common and even her own mother, is inferior to me in every regard. But what does that matter if she chose him? Maybe he's better than me. Maybe being an MMA trainer that got kicked off the army for mental health reasons is better than being a published journalist and literary translator who speaks three languages and can handle a car without brakes at 170 km/h. Other aspects in my life are better, my friends and family, but that's it. Professionally I'm barely going anywhere and the past few racing seasons have been nothing but an absolute soul-crushing disappointment.

I want to get back together with her. The relationship was very good, not perfect of course, but I felt loved and she did too. No fights, no abuse, just love, cuddling, cooking together, making love, watching Gossip Girl together after eating an extra large pepperoni just by ourselves. She said very often it was the best relationship she'd ever been in. The day she broke up with me she said she thought I was the love of her life and that she thought we'd end up marrying. Fifteen days before that she said she'd love me forever and would wait for me. I have a lot of trauma associated with rejection, with romantic failure, so much so my current therapist mentioned I may now have complex trauma. I always got back on my feet, hoping finally for a win, maybe not the love of my life because I know that's something you build with time, but at least for a love that wouldn't destroy me if it ended. We always said the purpose of the relationship was to take care of each other and help each other heal. And there she is, happy, despite having been unfair; and here I am, venting here, asking a question.

How do I go through and end it all? How do I convince my body of what I already know so I don't feel this conflict, this limbo, this horrible contradiction of my soul not wanting to fight anymore and my body and mind ready to get back into the ring? A ten year project of self-improvement has just gone to shit and I'm gonna be 32 on Wednesday, she probably won't write on my birthday either, and I don't want to keep going because I have no reason to believe that things will get better. They haven't, despite all my best efforts. Life is so unfair, why insist?

God, please, bring back my Michi or end me already.

 

[tryingtoquietdown]

If you're looking for a reason to leave but don't have enough gumption yet, just wait. You're in a state of mind that is painful to live in. Your mind and body may be running just fine, but like you said, your soul is fucking exhausted. Treat yourself like you're taking care of your soul, like when people say stuff about taking care of their inner child. Pretend your soul is a five-year-old with the flu and nurture it.

A ten year self-improvement project was at least partially successful because some aspects in your life have improved, like you said, but also because you're still here. You're still alive. That's better than plenty other self-improvement projects, especially for the folks on this site. You're being way too hard on yourself. You may think you aren't, but when you're mentally ill, you almost always are. Try to go easy on yourself for a while. Treat yourself in ways you normally don't. You might as well live how you want to if you're considering giving up the ghost.

 

[Michi_Violeta]

If you're looking for a reason to leave but don't have enough gumption yet, just wait. You're in a state of mind that is painful to live in. Your mind and body may be running just fine, but like you said, your soul is fucking exhausted. Treat yourself like you're taking care of your soul, like when people say stuff about taking care of their inner child. Pretend your soul is a five-year-old with the flu and nurture it.

A ten year self-improvement project was at least partially successful because some aspects in your life have improved, like you said, but also because you're still here. You're still alive. That's better than plenty other self-improvement projects, especially for the folks on this site. You're being way too hard on yourself. You may think you aren't, but when you're mentally ill, you almost always are. Try to go easy on yourself for a while. Treat yourself in ways you normally don't. You might as well live how you want to if you're considering giving up the ghost.

I sincerely appreciate your reply, really do. It's just...I miss her so much, I...I know some people will think it's stupid to feel this bad because of one single person but my whole worldview is in shambles. There's nothing I have right now that I didn't have 8 or 10 years ago, nothing that really matters anyway, nothing that makes me feel like it's worth it. I've dealt with so much loss, so much rejection, my first ex almost destroyed me and I kept going: I remember one time after that break up, talking with a psychologist, and she asked for my mother to come into her office, saying she was worried I may kill myself that that she would have me interned. My mom's reaction...it broke me.

A song I've been listening to a lot lately says it better: "Thought I had a chance to start all over, you said you were gonna be there every step of the way, but all I ever get, all I ever get are empty promises baby". I don't feel like trying anymore, I don't feel like giving myself treats or comforts because I've been doing that all these years too, indulging, trying to make things easier. And here I am, again. It's like life just keeps mocking me and denying me the love and the dream I've been waiting for —and working for— all these years.

That inner child you mentioned, he's tired. He's scared. He doesn't want to suffer anymore. He always was that quiet kid on the corner that got bullied and made fun of. He has friends now, but the party still feels so cruel and meaningless that he just wants to leave.

 

[Michi_Violeta]

UPDATE: She still hasn't messaged me, it's been over two weeks now. I feel like absolute shit everyday even though sometimes I feel like I can move on, thing is I don't. I don't want to become a jaded and hopeless, broken person, I don't want to go on living knowing that love will always be for someone else no matter how hard I try. I don't want to live knowing she's happy after having destroyed me and that, for all my love and efforts and for everything I did to offer her a healthy relationship, I can't even get a fucking second chance to fix a non-problem she created in her head in the first place.

In an hour I'm meeting with her mother. My mom reached out to her because she's worried about me. My ex's mom is also heartbroken because my ex left her to live by herself because of this asshole she's dating now and, when living by herself turned out to be too hard, she went back to her dad's. The same miserable dad that never answered her messages back when we were dating, when she wanted to move out of her mom's and I offered her all my help, that same asshole is now playing hero and enabling her to be with a walking red flag of a macho solider boy asshole while I'm typing this words, suicidal, body covered in cold sweat because I slept the whole morning with anxiety.

I don't know what I'll tell this woman. I know she'll tell me to move on, to be happy, to forget about my ex. She's even tried to kinda hit on me despite the age difference and...just no. I'm grasping at straws here, I'm fighting for hope, I'm struggling to have any last bit of hope because I just love my michi so damn much and she left me when I needed her the most.

 

[Reflection]

I will never understand why and how people can just see another human being who loves them and with whom they shared so much just like a replaceable object.

 

[Michi_Violeta]

I will never understand why and how people can just see another human being who loves them and with whom they shared so much just like a replaceable object.

Thank you very much. Really. It makes me feel less ridiculous when someone else understands the importance and uniqueness of a loved one. I've been through this once before and it almost killed me, but life doing the same thing to me after all this time may've just broken me.

Thanks for your reply, wholeheartedly.

 

[Michi_Violeta]

Today two things started happening inside my heart: one, the crushing feeling that she'll never come back; two, the oddly calming sensation that I am indeed running out of hope in general. I also received through the mail the first 60 pills of amitriptyline: it was my plan A before finding out this forum and the wonders of SN, I still think I'll order another 60 pills just to have a plan B.

Tomorrow is my birthday and I've almost always hated birthdays. Except for the two I celebrated when studying abroad and the one last year, it was a surprise party she organized for me with kid's decorations from the movie Cars. I'm not sure if she's gonna write to me. I mean, I hope she does, but it's been too long since we last spoke. She said she had taken so long to reply because she was processing a lot of stuff and I told her to reply whenever she felt comfortable. That was around three weeks ago.

If you asked me what I want for my birthday, it would be her. For her to come back, to make believe again. In life. In love. That this all makes any sense that there's any sort of justice. My grandfather, my father really because my biological father abandoned us, he used to say: "Give and you shall receive". It was sort of his mantra. It applied to both the good and the bad: I give her the best I could, I received heartbreak; she gave me heartbreak, and received happiness. I would still forgive her, work on stuff together, open my heart again because it was really a beautiful and loving and healthy relationship...except for its ending.

Meeting up with her mother was a mistake. The woman not only insisted on me moving on despite I asking her not to say those things to me right from the start, she also revealed she told my ex that her (the mom) and I were friends (FUCKING STUPID THING TO DO) and even sort of started hitting on me. It was so uncomfortable, trying to explain to her why my ex was so meaningful to me, why I was so hurt, why and how I still love her as much as I do...tears in my eyes, and this woman reaching to grab my hands and tell me that I should open my heart again to someone else and that she wished she was 20 years younger. I think she even dressed up for the occasion and she insisted more than once on taking me to lunch for my birthday.

Are you laughing God? Is this somehow fucking amusing for anybody? Am I some sort of twisted and ridiculous remake of The Truman Show only taped in a third world country with drag racing cars and a ton of fucking heartbreak?

I went to the shop then, just to hang out with my friends. At first I started feeling calm, so calm I became anxious because my mind drifted off my ex for a moment. The guys insist that I should fix my car, they got a gearbox ready to go, but I can't tell them exactly what's going on. I just told them I had given up on racing and wasn't sure what to do with the car. Truth is I'm starting to really feel hopeless, without a goal, without any drive, any will to go on. My Michi and my Violeta took everything from me, with each passing day they become more a beautiful memory than a reality. And when that happens I think I'll arrive to a point I've feared for years that I'd arrive at, back when I still had hope and joie de vivre: the point where I'll get off the racecar and catch the bus.

 

[cme-dme]

I can understand your pain...A lot of people will say you shouldn't let a girl affect you emotionally but that is impossible when you have opened up your heart for somebody. I was in an online-only relationship for just 9 months approaching 5 years ago and that relationship has left emotional scars that have yet to fade away. I can't imagine the pain you must be in. I'm sorry.

 

[before20]

Wow, I am so, so sorry your ex's mom started hitting on you. Even typing that out feels wrong. It's extremely inappropriate in every way.

Your ex's behavior sounds very self-destructive, it makes me kind of worried for her. I hope you and her can find a way out of this.

I can't find it, but there's a good thread on here somewhere about how experiencing great happiness only leads to greater suffering. I've never been in love like you have, but I can only imagine how amazing and all-consuming it is, only to have it abruptly ripped away.

published journalist and literary translator who speaks three languages and can handle a car without brakes at 170 km/h

On a side note, that's impressive as hell. You sound very cool.

 

[NitrogenAfternoon]

i appreciate you opening up. We are the same age, and I am going to ctb over the loss of love too. People will question us, but I know exactly what you are feeling like. I hope we both find our peace, no matter what we chose.

 

[Michi_Violeta]

Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart, for taking the time to read and for all your empathy. Fuck the BBC, I've been here for just a couple of days and have nothing but a humane and respectful atmosphere! Pardon me if I my replies are too long or if I write too much in this thread, I...I just enjoy talking with people

I can understand your pain...A lot of people will say you shouldn't let a girl affect you emotionally but that is impossible when you have opened up your heart for somebody. I was in an online-only relationship for just 9 months approaching 5 years ago and that relationship has left emotional scars that have yet to fade away. I can't imagine the pain you must be in. I'm sorry.

It's like you say, it's impossible: I've been binge-watching those Netflix/Marvel shows and, in one episode of Daredevil, Frank Castle says that only those who are close to you, the ones you love, are the ones that can truly destroy you. The guys who bullied me when I was a kid didn't break me, that bitch from the DAAD that tried to take away my scholarship didn't break me, my shitty boss who used to pay me a little over a dollar per article didn't break me. But the emotional scars left by someone for whom you opened up your heart? Yeah, I'm sorry you've known those scars too, they're the worst kind of scars I can imagine.

Wow, I am so, so sorry your ex's mom started hitting on you. Even typing that out feels wrong. It's extremely inappropriate in every way.

Your ex's behavior sounds very self-destructive, it makes me kind of worried for her. I hope you and her can find a way out of this.

I can't find it, but there's a good thread on here somewhere about how experiencing great happiness only leads to greater suffering. I've never been in love like you have, but I can only imagine how amazing and all-consuming it is, only to have it abruptly ripped away.

On a side note, that's impressive as hell. You sound very cool.

Honestly I do worry about her too. The reason I contacted her mom in the first place last year was because I was so fucking worried when I found out about the kind of guy she was dating thanks to a mutual friend. I mean, nothing against veterans or people with schizophrenia, but the guy is a nutcase: your classic shitty macho stereotype, all edgy, and pretentious, proud soldier. Her mom told me she knew, that she asked a friend of her who was also in the army to run a background check on the guy: discharged for mental health reasons. She even told me that, when my ex came home with that asshole, he was trying to impress them talking about getting a bullet to the knee and my ex's mom told him he was lying because, if true, he shouldn't even be able to walk. What kind of guy tries to impress his girl's mother by saying he got shot on the knee? It's not fucking Skyrim man...

That said, she seems happy in her pictures. My ex's mom told me too that she was happy with that guy. She also told me it wasn't my fault, that her daughter was too insecure and dependent. I honestly don't care, her beautiful side is absolutely beautiful. I do worry about the influence that asshole might have on her: he already pushed her to dump me and abandon her mother. And yes, it's like you say: the highest of highs are apparently always followed by the lowest of lows. I thought I could get away with it for once, but I guess some of us can't have our happiness.

As for the side note, hey, thank you very, very much. I'm sorry if I seem show-off-ish at times, it's just...it took a long time for me to accept the good things in me and, well, at the end of the day, that's who I've always wanted to be: an nerd with a high-octane side. I still remember that night, she was with me at the track, and I was racing some rich kid in a BMW: she was riding shotgun and recording on her phone. It was close, I lost the race by two tenths of a second or something, and when I stepped on the brakes: nothing. We were going 170 km/h and for some reason the drag strip at Tocancipá ends with a corner. I can still hear her voice in the video, it was so exciting. Heel and toe to third, let the BMW pass on the inside, second, ease on the handbrake, feed in some steering. The car did a 180, but we stopped just shy of the gravel. A month or so after the break-up she messaged me once to tell me she had a dream, being in a car without brakes, and I replied telling her that she now knew what to do.

i appreciate you opening up. We are the same age, and I am going to ctb over the loss of love too. People will question us, but I know exactly what you are feeling like. I hope we both find our peace, no matter what we chose.

And I appreciate you hearing me out, it definitely makes me feel seen and a bit less...stupid? I'm genuinely sorry you're going through this same hell and, hey, nobody can judge your decision. Heartbreak, specially for particularly sensitive people or those with a background of trauma, is not just the loss of cuddles and company: it's a wound that makes you question your worth, your whole worldview, to question if the world makes any sense at all.

Seems like you've already made your choice and I can only hope you find your peace too, that it's a tranquil and effective release: that your heart finally can rest after so much pain.

 

[inconstantprayer]

I can understand and relate to your pain. No one is alone, it just feels like we are. Except that we ARE alone in the way that its happening to you alone and no one else, and no one else could ever quite understand exactly what anyone else is going through. These are all just data points, but appreciate you sharing. It helps to understand and not feel like there's anything wrong or wacked out about us. We are trying to live and love, and I will say that girls can really take a man for a ride and play head games with him that no one else can. Men are vulnerable to women that way that women never could understand. Because part of our roles here as men is protector and provider for the family, and what is the family based around? Women. A woman.

As far as the mainstream media and what it thinks and tells us to think, and society as a whole: there is nothing wrong with ending your life peacefully and responsibly. who'se life is it anyeways? The only real problem they have in us taking our own lives is because they don't have full control over us, Which is what this is all about truly in truth, CONTROL. It is not about freedom or decency or what is decent or what is right or wrong, it is solely about control over our lives, and they can't have that if we are dead. That's why all the BS to make us believe we are going to hell for comitting suicide. None of that is true. It's all broadcast 24/7 for centuries to keep us in line... But my life is mine, and I will end it how I choose to end it thank you.

 

[Reflection]

Thank you very much. Really. It makes me feel less ridiculous when someone else understands the importance and uniqueness of a loved one. I've been through this once before and it almost killed me, but life doing the same thing to me after all this time may've just broken me.

Thanks for your reply, wholeheartedly.

It is not ridiculous at all, and it's normal to feel that way after a seperation. I've been the same way for almost a year and a half now and nothing has changed, it does take a toll on you when you really love that person.
People tend to look at it as ridiculous because it is expected to just move on, find someone new etc... but I think that what is expected isn't what's right for everybody.

Ultimately I can only hope things get a turn for the better for us, I wouldn't wish this pain on anybody.

 

[unworthy_]

I am so sorry about your situation. It is unfortunately they wont likely to come back to us no matter how much we tried. Only a few lukcy couples we got back together stronger than ever... There were really the lucky ones.
My ex officially broke up with me via email yesterday after blocking me on Dec 6. I sent him multiple message on Whatsapp to which he blocked. During festive season, I sent him 2 gifts. He didnt reject them. Yesterday I sent him an email about our plan but he told me that we are done. Him and family could not accept me of my actions and behaviour from the past. His grandparent passed away before the festive season... that must have devastated him.

I am 39y this year. Everything is closing for me. As a woman my age in my country is disposable...
Finding another one is exhausting. Also I long for the young relationship love.... I wont be able to experience this in my later years....
So I will close this chapter in my life for good...

I hope you are still young. I hope you well.. You deserve more... love youself...

 

[Michi_Violeta]

It is not ridiculous at all, and it's normal to feel that way after a seperation. I've been the same way for almost a year and a half now and nothing has changed, it does take a toll on you when you really love that person.
People tend to look at it as ridiculous because it is expected to just move on, find someone new etc... but I think that what is expected isn't what's right for everybody.

Ultimately I can only hope things get a turn for the better for us, I wouldn't wish this pain on anybody.

Ah, a soldier in the same trench. It's cold, it's dark, it's maddening, but you're not alone. My wholehearted sympathy is all I can offer because it's indeed a heavy toll and nothing changes, nothing you can do really besides moving on, but sometimes you just don't want to move on. I feel absolutely hopeless because she meant a lot to me, still does, and I trusted her with all my heart: I never knew if it was gonna last a year or a lifetime, but I thought if we were both vulnerable and careful that no matter what happened we'd be fine. She is now. I'm not. I'm constantly at war with myself, I cry every day, I'm sometimes doing a random task and the image of her comes into my mind, her voice reacting to whatever I'm doing as if she was there.

Here's hoping that things turn for the better for us too, whatever that means in your case. In mine it means her coming back but...I fucking can't even type it. It's definitely a pain I wouldn't wish on anybody, specially if they don't deserve it.

I can understand and relate to your pain. No one is alone, it just feels like we are. Except that we ARE alone in the way that its happening to you alone and no one else, and no one else could ever quite understand exactly what anyone else is going through. These are all just data points, but appreciate you sharing. It helps to understand and not feel like there's anything wrong or wacked out about us. We are trying to live and love, and I will say that girls can really take a man for a ride and play head games with him that no one else can. Men are vulnerable to women that way that women never could understand. Because part of our roles here as men is protector and provider for the family, and what is the family based around? Women. A woman.

As far as the mainstream media and what it thinks and tells us to think, and society as a whole: there is nothing wrong with ending your life peacefully and responsibly. who'se life is it anyeways? The only real problem they have in us taking our own lives is because they don't have full control over us, Which is what this is all about truly in truth, CONTROL. It is not about freedom or decency or what is decent or what is right or wrong, it is solely about control over our lives, and they can't have that if we are dead. That's why all the BS to make us believe we are going to hell for comitting suicide. None of that is true. It's all broadcast 24/7 for centuries to keep us in line... But my life is mine, and I will end it how I choose to end it thank you.

Ugh, don't get me started on what society as a whole thinks about life, death, and specially about love. I was in the shop yesterday with my mechanic friends (yeah, not a very touchy-feely crowd) and the way they talked about women and relationships just disgusted me. Years ago when my first ex dumped me I was also suicidal and they are so tough that they never thought I'd do it, sort of invalidating my feelings, one of them even told me something like "I can call someone to come and kill you right here and now, but I won't because I know you'll pussy out". It does feel like we are alone...

I am so sorry about your situation. It is unfortunately they wont likely to come back to us no matter how much we tried. Only a few lukcy couples we got back together stronger than ever... There were really the lucky ones.
My ex officially broke up with me via email yesterday after blocking me on Dec 6. I sent him multiple message on Whatsapp to which he blocked. During festive season, I sent him 2 gifts. He didnt reject them. Yesterday I sent him an email about our plan but he told me that we are done. Him and family could not accept me of my actions and behaviour from the past. His grandparent passed away before the festive season... that must have devastated him.

I am 39y this year. Everything is closing for me. As a woman my age in my country is disposable...
Finding another one is exhausting. Also I long for the young relationship love.... I wont be able to experience this in my later years....
So I will close this chapter in my life for good...

I hope you are still young. I hope you well.. You deserve more... love youself...

I envy those couples so much, just as much as I'm sorry to hear about you going through this as well. It's also not a very nice thing to use someone's past against them, specially if they've distanced themselves from it and made changes.

It sucks: you hear all the time about people returning with their abusive exes, with people that can't commit, cruel assholes left and right. Those do get a chance. All the time. 7 months later, after a relationship which she herself called the best in her life and that she wanted to end in marriage, I'm still here desperate waiting for a chance, but now, apparently this asshole is better than me. And that just destroys me.

I agree that finding someone else is exhausting, the more peculiar you are the more exhausting it is, and that's also why I feel so hopeless, specially because I'd be starting again with more emotional damage than ever. For what is worth, I don't think being 39 makes a woman disposable: although I understand that our shitty society puts a stigma on the age of women, I always remind my female friends who feel that way that my mother had me when she was 44. Not only was she still fertile at 44, she was desirable enough for a man to leave her pregnant, and she was in a perfect moment in her life to be a mother because she had already a stable financial basis.

I don't know how to love myself, to be honest. It's hard to do it when you haven't been loved in a specific way you've always needed, when the ones who provided that love ended up destroying you. Maybe it all has to do with my father abandoning us before I was even born, but fuck that Freudian stuff...

 

[Michi_Violeta]

I'm starting to treat this thread as some sort of journal with the added benefit of receiving input or support from people who understand and who won't judge. Please, let me know if it's too much or if there's more appropriate section of this forum.

Life is a fucking monkey paw.

She did write. And it both made me feel like she still cars, but also that she's moved on: she treats me like an ex and I know she'd like to be friends, but I don't I want my Michi back. And today I felt calm and happy sometimes and I felt guilty for it, I didn't like it, it's such a fucking heartbreaking conflict: I don't want to be strong, I don't want to be resilient. I don't want to keep going because life makes no sense anymore and, somehow, my body and my mind are recovering. Please, God, why? Why calling me back to the battlefield? I'm tired, I'm tire and I see no sense in continuing with this bullshit. I'm broken, the woman I love broke me and all people can say is that someone better will come. I've been hearing that for years and she's the one who came, she's that better someone that came and I loved her and I treasured what we had. And sure, I wasn't perfect, nobody is, but I was never rude, or jealous, or controlling: if anything, I wasn't as codependent as she apparently would've liked, I took things slow in order not to make false promises, and I gave her space to be herself and even encouraged her participating in activities that broadened her social circle.

I don't want to move on. This story can't end like this. My life story ends up better going like fucking Werther than "Oh, yeah, she hurt him, and he moved on, and they both lived happily ever after because people just hurt each other and life goes on because life is a constant cycle of hurt and injustice". Maybe it is, maybe the world is a valley of tears that just keeps on going despite suffering, almost as if being a masochist was a requirement to stay a live and we collectively call that "being normal" or "being strong". I never asked to be strong, I asked to be loved; I was never told I had to go through this much suffering because of someone I love with all my innocence, I was told that you would get a good person if you were a good person. Maybe I'm to naive, too sensitive, too broken. Whatever.

Right now what hurts me the most is feeling...fine? I'm heartbroken, my childhood dream is going nowhere, I'm not completely in love with my job —certainly not enough to justify me living— and I have no goals or dreams about the future. I've always wanted someone who loves me and a fast car: that's what the inner child in me wants out of life and I'm tired of that being considered childish or ridiculous. No, I don't give a fuck about becoming an interpreter for the UN, even if I could. I don't care about buying an apartment, or traveling to Abu Dhabi, or reaching old age. All I want, ALL I EVER FUCKING WANTED AND THAT LIFE SOMEHOW KEEPS DENYING ME NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY, is to be loved and to drive fast. With all my heart. What's the point of living if I can't have that? I'm 32 now, I graduated high-school 14 years ago, and what have I built to bring me closer to my dreams? Some academic titles and publications so worthless that your partner can replace you with an MMA trainer that got kicked off the army because he's schizophrenic?

And life gives. And then immediately takes. And you wait for something for 7 years, and after a year and a bit it's just gone in a matter of weeks, and then you end up hurting and suffering and "recovering" for months. What's the fucking point? Isn't that like the sort of desire only a monkey paw would grant? Yeah, I'll give you what you want, but here's the twist. Yeah, gonna give you a racecar, but it'll break down all the time and you won't be as fast as the previous asshole owner. Yeah, gonna show you love again, but you'll lose it very soon through apparently no fault of your own and she'll be happy with someone else. Yeah, I'm gonna give you a loving family and great friends, but only to compensate for bringing you into a world where your career and academic choices are fucking useless. Am I asking too much? After all the effort I've put into life, after doing my best to walk straight and be good and play nice and follow "the right path"? Fucking murderers and drug dealers and corrupt politicians have wives and friends and family and fast cars, what do I have that they don't for all my supposed effort?

Happy birthday to me, fucking monkey paw.

 

[unworthy_]

I envy those couples so much, just as much as I'm sorry to hear about you going through this as well. It's also not a very nice thing to use someone's past against them, specially if they've distanced themselves from it and made changes.

It sucks: you hear all the time about people returning with their abusive exes, with people that can't commit, cruel assholes left and right. Those do get a chance. All the time. 7 months later, after a relationship which she herself called the best in her life and that she wanted to end in marriage, I'm still here desperate waiting for a chance, but now, apparently this asshole is better than me. And that just destroys me.

I agree that finding someone else is exhausting, the more peculiar you are the more exhausting it is, and that's also why I feel so hopeless, specially because I'd be starting again with more emotional damage than ever. For what is worth, I don't think being 39 makes a woman disposable: although I understand that our shitty society puts a stigma on the age of women, I always remind my female friends who feel that way that my mother had me when she was 44. Not only was she still fertile at 44, she was desirable enough for a man to leave her pregnant, and she was in a perfect moment in her life to be a mother because she had already a stable financial basis.

I don't know how to love myself, to be honest. It's hard to do it when you haven't been loved in a specific way you've always needed, when the ones who provided that love ended up destroying you. Maybe it all has to do with my father abandoning us before I was even born, but fuck that Freudian stuff...

Dont be sorry. It is okay. It is part of life. It is part of my journey on earth. I hope I can let go one day. I am the worse person in my circle. I know what I did and I hurt people. I am still hurting them..This break up is a result from me. I sent him emails again and he said I am selfish, indecisivess and fail to communicate. I have many issues that I failed to communicate with him because I am a people pleaser. I put them above me while losing myself. On the day of break up, I finally told my mum of my struggles. I cried so so much in front of her. I have only cried thrice in front after my 20s. I failed as a person.. I failed her.. She comforted me so much.

I am not a Buddhist but my Buddhist friends used to tell me those people who have it in all have good karma. They did good in the past so they have the good in this life. I will accept this. Perhaps I did a lot of bad things in my past lives therefore I am being punished this time. It is okay..

In Asia it is unfortunately. When my ex parents came to visit me, they said I looked very thin. In Asia when a parents said you are thin it means you are not fertile. A fertile woman should be looking healthy, young and with curves. I am very beat up...

How old are you may I ask ? It may sounds daunting to look for another relationship again but if you are in your 20s it will be easier. Trust me. But I hope you are not like me. I cling to hope and still missing my ex before finding another. It is not a rebound but I cling crazily like this. Since I am in my late 30s now, I will be 50 soon. I am not interested anymore. I am very determine to close this chapter in my life. I will try to love my family and pets. They need me...

I dont love myself as well. Will buying clothes, pampering myself a way of loving myself ? I am not sure but these arent important and bring any meaning into my life anymore. I am also not sure whether I need someone to love to compensate the void in my life. We have to find this out...

I really hope you find the clarity and peace you need. Much much love to you...

TBH, I have all the things for SN. It is easy for me to get them here. The question is when....
My mum told me she almost lost her life having me..

Note : I am not an english speaker. Excuse my bad english. I am quite worked up because my ex kept back and forth emailing me to end the relationship despite my pleas. I hate myself so so much.

 

[niki wonoto]

I'm from Indonesia (42/M), still single, living with my parents, & honestly, have been pretty much a NEET for a long time. So you can just imagine how bad it is for me (I don't want to say "how much worse I've had it", because I know others also had it much worse than me).

I can deeply relate somehow with your thread post (& your comments & stories). Honestly, my life is basically just a failure. And it's even ironic, tragic, & absurd (stupid & ridiculous) how a lot of people said that I have the talents & potentials to "make it big", but here I am, in reality, I'm just a nobody/nothing, a sad pathetic loser, & a waste of space & oxygen that should not exist, yet still exist anyway.. (if only CTB was easy, accessible, & painless.. )

Coincidentally, I've also just got broken-hearted very recently with a girl that I've thought she might be "the One", 'the special one', etc2, & even a 'signs from God' (I'm a Christian, although now unfortunately more of an agnostic/atheist/nihilist/pessimist & depressed & passive suicidal ideation); but all in the end just only for her to 'suddenly' just flat out 'rejected' me, & now seemingly distancing from me.. on December 2024, she suddenly just responded saying "she's close with another guy".. even though I've been pretty close with her for around 6 months last year (we're both musicians, even used to play in the same local community orchestra, & did music cover projects together, at my house.. )

@Michi_Violeta it's interesting that you've also mentioned about God's laughing, because I also feel exactly the same way.. honestly, I seriously feel like my life is a joke, a cruel joke.. I don't know even what to do anymore..

 

[Reflection]

Ah, a soldier in the same trench. It's cold, it's dark, it's maddening, but you're not alone. My wholehearted sympathy is all I can offer because it's indeed a heavy toll and nothing changes, nothing you can do really besides moving on, but sometimes you just don't want to move on. I feel absolutely hopeless because she meant a lot to me, still does, and I trusted her with all my heart: I never knew if it was gonna last a year or a lifetime, but I thought if we were both vulnerable and careful that no matter what happened we'd be fine. She is now. I'm not. I'm constantly at war with myself, I cry every day, I'm sometimes doing a random task and the image of her comes into my mind, her voice reacting to whatever I'm doing as if she was there.

Here's hoping that things turn for the better for us too, whatever that means in your case. In mine it means her coming back but...I fucking can't even type it. It's definitely a pain I wouldn't wish on anybody, specially if they don't deserve it.

Yeah I really wish things didn't have to turn this way. At this point I'm incapable of moving on and it just sucks, I know I'll be devastated even more if I ever hear she's gotten married or something and I don't think I'll be able to survive that no matter how many good things I have in life. I used to never cry about anything before yet after she left Ive been crying almost everyday and literally became suicidal over her alone which is something I had never foreseen in my life before. I'm currently just hoping for that one message that could flip everything over as well.