Venting Living with borderline

[Griever]

Sometimes, it feels like my heart is an open wound, bleeding endlessly over things no one else even notices. One moment I'm clinging to someone, desperate not to be left alone; the next, I'm pushing them away, convinced they'll hurt me first. I don't mean to. I just don't know how to stop it.

Borderline Personality Disorder isn't just about mood swings - it's this constant storm in my chest, a voice that whispers that I'm too much and never enough, both at the same time. I feel everything too deeply, and yet there are days I feel nothing at all. I'm terrified of being abandoned, but I end up isolating myself because it hurts too much to hope anyone will stay.

People say I'm manipulative or dramatic, but they don't see the fear that drives every action - the aching, hollow terror of being alone, of being unlovable. I'm not trying to hurt anyone. I'm just trying to survive a mind that turns love into fear, and joy into grief.

And the worst part? Some days, I don't even know who I am. I change my face to fit whoever I'm with, hoping someone will finally see me - whoever that is - and decide I'm worth staying for.

But most nights, I just lie awake, feeling like a burden no one asked for, wishing I could be someone easier to love.

 

[whynot96]

i have it to fwiw, and struggling. it gets better with love and therapy but it doesn't go away. i tried to kms a month ago. i still want to despite being back on meds and in group therapy and individual therapy and having friends. its not enough, never is. im so tired.

 

[encore]

yes. nobody ever sees the fear behind every action and reaction. if only i had someone who understood that i'm closer to a hurt animal defending what little they have left than a predator trying to consume its prey, that would already heal me somewhat. i don't want to hurt people. i don't enjoy it. i don't enjoy the emotions i'm feeling when i get hurt either. i get so much shame i want to kill myself over it, but i will still be the villain in the end. i don't mind that, i most likely deserve to be hated, i just want to at least be understood.

 

[kotonearisato]

Yeah, this is a really good way of putting it. The constant fear, the feeling so deeply, the not having a real self... I often describe it as being so hollow on the inside and it leaves too much space for emotions to grow out of control. Nothing is ever enough but it's always too much.

 

[whynot96]

im sorry all of you have bpd too, it's so much to deal with. I've been in therapy years, am building a support system and it still wasnt enough to make me not want to die. all it took was an argument with a friend. i asked her if we'll be okay and she said "I'm not sure," and right then I decided I was going to die right then pretty much. I did try later that day but I got saved. it is what it is.

thanks for voicing that you have bpd and giving me someone/something to relate to. i hope you heal in time, i genuinely do.