Living with the humiliation of not being able to cbt

[suffering]

How does someone like me go on? I see the tragic disgusting web of manipulation and power-play that mankind is and I do not want to participate in it. I want to die. However, I can't, I am a coward. If I could go somewhere and get shot, I would go. But now I am trapped. I considered monasteries, but there are nasty people in there as well. I can't fake it with a romantic partner. I dread going back to work and faking it there as well, although probably that is the way to go.
What do people like me become? Cynical? Evil? Weaker? Mad?

 

[creatureoflight]

Why does being unable to kill yourself make you a coward? It's really much harder than most people think and in those final moments, you really have to be extremely desperate to pull the trigger or to jump off a bridge. I don't see anything cowardly about you-your struggle is very relatable. We have 3.5 billion years of evolution in us-your body is not going to let you die easily.

 

[suffering]

Why does being unable to kill yourself make you a coward? It's really much harder than most people think and in those final moments, you really have to be extremely desperate to pull the trigger or to jump off a bridge. I don't see anything cowardly about you-your struggle is very relatable. We have 3.5 billion years of evolution in us-your body is not going to let you die easily.

It's true and I really appreciate your reply, I've been so hard on myself these days.. I sometimes think that yes maybe the big majority are like this but I just happen to know it. Which makes me feel week just because I know I am week, while the others have the luxury of the illusion of bravery and hope. If I am in a room with say 10 other people who would act the same in my situation (aka fail to commit suicide because the survival instinct is too strong) but only I know it and they don't, then they will act brutally assertive and cocky, while I will act humble because I have met the devil in me so to speak. Which puts me in a downward spiral of self loathing and losing at the game of life (which I am not interested in winning anyway, but if I can't opt out, at least I don't want to be a loser). I hope you understand what I mean, because I find it hard to put it in words.

 

[QueenEtna]

I became evil c:<

 

[throwaway123]

How does someone like me go on? I see the tragic disgusting web of manipulation and power-play that mankind is and I do not want to participate in it. I want to die. However, I can't, I am a coward. If I could go somewhere and get shot, I would go. But now I am trapped. I considered monasteries, but there are nasty people in there as well. I can't fake it with a romantic partner. I dread going back to work and faking it there as well, although probably that is the way to go.
What do people like me become? Cynical? Evil? Weaker? Mad?

You're me.

 

[Volatile]

Become a super villain

 

[suffering]

Become a super villain

Thank you guys for the humor and empathy, it really means a lot. I sit alone with my thoughts all day and I feel like going insane. This place is like a cup of water after walking in the desert.

 

[creatureoflight]

It's true and I really appreciate your reply, I've been so hard on myself these days.. I sometimes think that yes maybe the big majority are like this but I just happen to know it. Which makes me feel week just because I know I am week, while the others have the luxury of the illusion of bravery and hope. If I am in a room with say 10 other people who would act the same in my situation (aka fail to commit suicide because the survival instinct is too strong) but only I know it and they don't, then they will act brutally assertive and cocky, while I will act humble because I have met the devil in me so to speak. Which puts me in a downward spiral of self loathing and losing at the game of life (which I am not interested in winning anyway, but if I can't opt out, at least I don't want to be a loser). I hope you understand what I mean, because I find it hard to put it in words.

you are not weak! you are stronger than so many others because most people don't have to go through this endless cycle of guilt of wanting to die, then being unable to, etc.