Bianka
No longer human
- Jan 16, 2024
- 179
Title. I'm just curious. Might share my experiences too
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Hey Guest,
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laydeeink2
Member
- Jul 12, 2023
- 10
Changed in what way?
There's alot I've changed. Just still never changed my not wanting to be here. Still the same lol.
There's alot I've changed. Just still never changed my not wanting to be here. Still the same lol.
m4rius
Student
- Dec 23, 2022
- 110
A bit. I'm more self-aware and knowledgeable than I used to be.
Bianka
No longer human
- Jan 16, 2024
- 179
Basically any. Inner change that is. Looking back thinking "oh yeah I was like that how weird, how glad/devastated I am that I'm not like that anymore"
The most important change
BrainShower
Tiny storm
- Nov 7, 2023
- 253
Hmm. Well I hope so. But it's hard to say.
I'm not very objective about this subject.
At the age I am (post 40) I think change comes more slowly and painfully, but I still work at it every day.
I also fall into the same traps pretty often.
I will say this- I've discovered that im not as codependent as I thought. And that's pretty cool.
I also have less hope in general. I never had much. Just a worm on a hook waiting for a big fish... But I am still squirming, despite a few chunks being eaten out of me.
I miss some of those chunks. But I am less vulnerable, which is bad and good.
I don't believe I will ever figure life out, maybe nobody ever does.
Well, there's my incoherent ramble for the day :)
I'm not very objective about this subject.
At the age I am (post 40) I think change comes more slowly and painfully, but I still work at it every day.
I also fall into the same traps pretty often.
I will say this- I've discovered that im not as codependent as I thought. And that's pretty cool.
I also have less hope in general. I never had much. Just a worm on a hook waiting for a big fish... But I am still squirming, despite a few chunks being eaten out of me.
I miss some of those chunks. But I am less vulnerable, which is bad and good.
I don't believe I will ever figure life out, maybe nobody ever does.
Well, there's my incoherent ramble for the day :)
laydeeink2
Member
- Jul 12, 2023
- 10
Oh definitely. My life has changed drastically and I do mean my whole life, so I've had to change.
Gossamer
Todos estamos untados
- Sep 1, 2022
- 35
I became colder, more eager to get a drink for any task or to stomach socialising; my rage has been much more present, my desire to please others dwindling. But I've also gotten a deeper sense of understanding when I read books, testimonies, when I interact. Became much more conscious politically too. I guess my empathy grew along with my helplessness. Mayhap my mind morphed into something more vile, but also much more human-like.
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R_N
-Memento Mori-
- Dec 3, 2019
- 1,442
I think last month changed me more than last few years did in total.
I dunno how to describe it tho, it is something I feared. I feel I am becoming too mindful of myself and I end up devaluing everything because I see it as robotic.
When I manage to resist some of my drives I end up making them meaningless.
And lately I feel like I can't even pick. So, what happens if I devalue even empathy and I end up not feeling it... I don't like the thought of it.
I dunno how to describe it tho, it is something I feared. I feel I am becoming too mindful of myself and I end up devaluing everything because I see it as robotic.
When I manage to resist some of my drives I end up making them meaningless.
And lately I feel like I can't even pick. So, what happens if I devalue even empathy and I end up not feeling it... I don't like the thought of it.
Bianka
No longer human
- Jan 16, 2024
- 179
@BrainShower
I understand. It's not an easy ride. Much respect for still trying to better yourself. If I live to that age and beyond I want to be just like that. I don't think trying to improve yourself, trying to understand the world will inevitably result in loving life. That's not what I'm trying to achieve. I'm open to that conclusion if my "studying" result in that. But your thoughts are more meaningful and "closer to th truth" (I know I know we can't say there is an objective truth) if it's based on something. If you're willing to base it on something. For every day I'm still here I want to try to understand how things work.
As a side note I don't like looking back at my teen years. I was depressed and full of anger but didn't really have any meaningful thoughts. I didn't want to understand why I feel that way I just did. And I despised it along with everything and everyone with so much anger.
I basically still feel that way lol but idk.... feels more "right" that I can support it with the knowledge I gathered. And maybe most importantly I'm open to have my mind changed
I understand. It's not an easy ride. Much respect for still trying to better yourself. If I live to that age and beyond I want to be just like that. I don't think trying to improve yourself, trying to understand the world will inevitably result in loving life. That's not what I'm trying to achieve. I'm open to that conclusion if my "studying" result in that. But your thoughts are more meaningful and "closer to th truth" (I know I know we can't say there is an objective truth) if it's based on something. If you're willing to base it on something. For every day I'm still here I want to try to understand how things work.
As a side note I don't like looking back at my teen years. I was depressed and full of anger but didn't really have any meaningful thoughts. I didn't want to understand why I feel that way I just did. And I despised it along with everything and everyone with so much anger.
I basically still feel that way lol but idk.... feels more "right" that I can support it with the knowledge I gathered. And maybe most importantly I'm open to have my mind changed
Are you me? Exactly how I feel
TheShadowKing
≽^- ˕ -^≼
- Dec 5, 2023
- 182
Yeah I'm not as self destructive anymore I don't do hard drugs anymore. I've actually started to take steps to improve my life like eating healthier going to the gym starting therapy also trying to figure out my own personality. Life has some potential to get better if I'm consistent with everything but thats if I don't kill myself first tho lol
Slow_Farewell
Warlock
- Dec 19, 2023
- 709
downhill, is the word i used to describe me compared to a year ago. the scary thing is i dont think ive bottomed out yet.
sserafim
brighter than the sun, that’s just me
- Sep 13, 2023
- 9,015
My life went downhill in the past 2 years. After I graduated college, I failed to launch into the real world and that caused me to go into a depression. My parents kept calling me a failure because they expected me to be a high achiever, but I wasn't able to succeed.
My depression got a lot worse last year though, and I began actively considering ctb. The point when my ideation was the strongest is when I joined this site. I'm planning to be dead before my next birthday or two. I also think that I became empty. I used to be able to feel things, but now there's like a void inside of me.
Nothing in life interests me, and nothing really matters to me. I think I grew colder and more apathetic about everything due to my depression and (nihilistic) awakening. Everything seems so boring to me now. I lost my zest for life that I used to have before I "woke up" and realized how meaningless everything is. I had like an aha moment when I started thinking about and considering the meaning of life, what the purpose of life is and why we're here.
My depression got a lot worse last year though, and I began actively considering ctb. The point when my ideation was the strongest is when I joined this site. I'm planning to be dead before my next birthday or two. I also think that I became empty. I used to be able to feel things, but now there's like a void inside of me.
Nothing in life interests me, and nothing really matters to me. I think I grew colder and more apathetic about everything due to my depression and (nihilistic) awakening. Everything seems so boring to me now. I lost my zest for life that I used to have before I "woke up" and realized how meaningless everything is. I had like an aha moment when I started thinking about and considering the meaning of life, what the purpose of life is and why we're here.
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Dr Iron Arc
Into the Unknown
- Feb 10, 2020
- 21,226
Yeah, I'm worse. More bitter. More evil. More angsty. More paranoid. More depressed. More suicidal. More anxious. More spiteful. More broken. I make more money but so what? I'm just using it to fund more terrible things going on in the world.
falling_snow
Mage
- Aug 9, 2023
- 518
yeah, i just became a shittier person. im more angry and i get irritated very easily. and that made me even lonelier than before.
UsagiDrop
“What a beautiful day to haunt the earth.”
- Apr 27, 2023
- 299
Yes.
A few years ago I was in uni, I had career prospects, I was financially stable due to the support of my parents, doing really well. I had friends, I was a budding creative, I was attractive, I was fun. But I've since learned that life after a certain point was just one long manic episode after the other and it took one traumatic event to make depression take over. Two years ago I was still mostly that person, I just wasn't in university but I still had hope that I could go back and finish after I "healed" lol. That's a possibility in general, but I don't know if that's possible for me personally, anymore.
Now, I'm jaded. I'm not fun anymore and I've been told as much. The only thing left is for people to discard me like a broken toy but I try to make myself useful so that I can avoid that. I don't create anymore, I don't have many friends, my moods are becoming a lot worse and practically too bad for me to make new connections. I'm a college drop out, a functional alcoholic, and I'm on drugs. I have a negative perception of the majority of people but especially a certain portion of the population, and I'm pretty angry about not being able to take out my frustrations on them because I actually give a fuck about doing the right thing while the people who have hurt me do not. I don't feel like a good person anymore and I know I will never be the person that I used to be. I can only hope that there's hope for me to be decent and just okay in the future. I hate myself for my biases and anger. I have to work on it but I don't even want to, sometimes.
There are a lot of other changes I can't really talk about, too. But I definitely don't feel like the same person I used to be. I'm a changed person for sure, different from who I used to be even yesterday, and that kind of sucks.
A few years ago I was in uni, I had career prospects, I was financially stable due to the support of my parents, doing really well. I had friends, I was a budding creative, I was attractive, I was fun. But I've since learned that life after a certain point was just one long manic episode after the other and it took one traumatic event to make depression take over. Two years ago I was still mostly that person, I just wasn't in university but I still had hope that I could go back and finish after I "healed" lol. That's a possibility in general, but I don't know if that's possible for me personally, anymore.
Now, I'm jaded. I'm not fun anymore and I've been told as much. The only thing left is for people to discard me like a broken toy but I try to make myself useful so that I can avoid that. I don't create anymore, I don't have many friends, my moods are becoming a lot worse and practically too bad for me to make new connections. I'm a college drop out, a functional alcoholic, and I'm on drugs. I have a negative perception of the majority of people but especially a certain portion of the population, and I'm pretty angry about not being able to take out my frustrations on them because I actually give a fuck about doing the right thing while the people who have hurt me do not. I don't feel like a good person anymore and I know I will never be the person that I used to be. I can only hope that there's hope for me to be decent and just okay in the future. I hate myself for my biases and anger. I have to work on it but I don't even want to, sometimes.
There are a lot of other changes I can't really talk about, too. But I definitely don't feel like the same person I used to be. I'm a changed person for sure, different from who I used to be even yesterday, and that kind of sucks.
