Story Looks Impacting the Reactions People Have to my Failed Attempts

[cassxtho]

The one thing I will never be able to stand is the way people talk to me about my attempts. You were not there, you do not know how it feels, your advice is not appreciated. At least this stands true for people who have never attempted (or even been suicidal) before. I am a relatively fit person. I've got a healthy weight, decent muscle (especially considering I have an injury that prevents me from lifting heavy weights), and I eat decently. I believe that this is the reason that people treat me the way that they do when it comes to suicide.

When I was at a heavier BMI, only one or two pounds away from being considered overweight, all I was ever told was to eat better, get more physical, journal, get a hobby, etc. I was not good looking at all, I didn't care about my appearance, and I didn't dress fashionably. Now I'm older and I've "fixed" most of these things. I'm still not particularly attractive or anything, but I've dropped 20 pounds, taken more care of myself, and gained a bit of style. Suprise surprise, nothing's changed. Well, besides not being labelled as weird or unapproachable because people think I'm a little chubby.

People treat me nicer now that I look better, but I can't help but wonder how I will be treated if I get skinnier. Not because I will look better, but because typically people aren't as harsh to people they perceive as "just a frail girl". I started losing quite a bit of weight again recently because I'm hitting the gym almost every day and paying even more attention to my nutrition and I've been getting complimented more often than before. Like most women I have struggled with an eating disorder and I'm falling back into old habits and mindsets.

To bring the topic back to suicide, I can't help but wonder if I'll be treated more gently if I start to look sick. I also wonder if I do fail again, will people be more likely to let me bargain with them in terms of being sent to inpatient or the hospital if they pity me. I will never expect someone I open up to to understand or to care, but for people to talk more gently would be a major plus. Not because I'm particularly sensitive, but because it makes me so angry, I will start to lash out and say things without thinking or the repercussions. I've been bullied for all of middle school and most of high school, I have thick skin but the moment someone starts to talk as if they believe I am less than them I lose all self-control. Unfortunately, most people view suicidal people as failures at life and treat us as such. Does it ever cross the minds of these people that maybe we never cared about succeeding?

I think I will probably fall completely back into my disordered eating. However, I don't think it is really that bad. It doesn't matter if it is healthy or unhealthy, I will shape my body to look the way I want it to, but I guess restriction will leave me more vulnerable to death. I am not completely ready to CTB just yet, I want to be the first women in my family to enter a STEM field successfully. Both of my grandmothers are/were very smart people; however, they were not able to do what they wanted in life. My only living grandma has talked to me about this before and I honestly cannot leave her like this when she sees so much of herself in me in terms of ambition. I have been born with so many privileges I want to do at least some good with them. Despite this though, if I do end up dying from starvation or some shit, it's not something I'm going to get myself worked up over lol.

 

[Girl-shaped Wound]

I've been having kinda related thoughts recently… It has always annoyed me how people would comment "OMG why? She was so beautiful :((" under videos of girls/women who committed suicide.
I'm so sorry that you are in so much pain. I will be keeping you in my thoughts and my fingers crossed for your dream to come true! It is wonderful.

 

[Pluto]

People treat me nicer now that I look better, but I can't help but wonder how I will be treated if I get skinnier. Not because I will look better, but because typically people aren't as harsh to people they perceive as "just a frail girl".

You are right, this fixation on looks is a sickness of the human condition. No one wins.
Best of luck with your ambitions to work in STEM.

Other examples:
The Bambi Effect
The "Bambi effect" is an objection against the killing of animals that are perceived as "cute" or "adorable", such as deer, while there may be little or no objection to the suffering of animals that are perceived as somehow repulsive or less than desirable, such as pigs or other woodland creatures.

Missing White Woman Syndrome
Missing white woman syndrome is a term which is used by social scientists and media commentators in reference to the media coverage, especially on television, of missing-person cases involving young, attractive, white, upper middle class women or girls compared to the relative lack of attention towards missing women who were not white, of lower social classes, or of missing men or boys.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

Fixation on looks sucks.

Saw bambi effect with a literal deer and a constrictor snake video on facebook. The poor snake apparently isn't allowed to eat.

 

[MasonMadeThings]

Looks are sadly a big part of how people are treated. "dont judge a book by its cover" is a stupid line because i feel like everyone will judge people by looks even subconsciously. There will never be an end to it, in my opinion. The only thing one can do is to realize that human beings are a collective of so many emotions and the physical makes up only a small part of their being. At least, thats how i feel

Regardless, i hope you do well in STEM! I am also pursuing a STEM degree (computer science in regards to game development) so i know what that lifes like. i'm sure youre making your ancestors proud <3

 

[Teddybear]

The one thing I will never be able to stand is the way people talk to me about my attempts. You were not there, you do not know how it feels, your advice is not appreciated. At least this stands true for people who have never attempted (or even been suicidal) before. I am a relatively fit person. I've got a healthy weight, decent muscle (especially considering I have an injury that prevents me from lifting heavy weights), and I eat decently. I believe that this is the reason that people treat me the way that they do when it comes to suicide.

When I was at a heavier BMI, only one or two pounds away from being considered overweight, all I was ever told was to eat better, get more physical, journal, get a hobby, etc. I was not good looking at all, I didn't care about my appearance, and I didn't dress fashionably. Now I'm older and I've "fixed" most of these things. I'm still not particularly attractive or anything, but I've dropped 20 pounds, taken more care of myself, and gained a bit of style. Suprise surprise, nothing's changed. Well, besides not being labelled as weird or unapproachable because people think I'm a little chubby.

People treat me nicer now that I look better, but I can't help but wonder how I will be treated if I get skinnier. Not because I will look better, but because typically people aren't as harsh to people they perceive as "just a frail girl". I started losing quite a bit of weight again recently because I'm hitting the gym almost every day and paying even more attention to my nutrition and I've been getting complimented more often than before. Like most women I have struggled with an eating disorder and I'm falling back into old habits and mindsets.

To bring the topic back to suicide, I can't help but wonder if I'll be treated more gently if I start to look sick. I also wonder if I do fail again, will people be more likely to let me bargain with them in terms of being sent to inpatient or the hospital if they pity me. I will never expect someone I open up to to understand or to care, but for people to talk more gently would be a major plus. Not because I'm particularly sensitive, but because it makes me so angry, I will start to lash out and say things without thinking or the repercussions. I've been bullied for all of middle school and most of high school, I have thick skin but the moment someone starts to talk as if they believe I am less than them I lose all self-control. Unfortunately, most people view suicidal people as failures at life and treat us as such. Does it ever cross the minds of these people that maybe we never cared about succeeding?

I think I will probably fall completely back into my disordered eating. However, I don't think it is really that bad. It doesn't matter if it is healthy or unhealthy, I will shape my body to look the way I want it to, but I guess restriction will leave me more vulnerable to death. I am not completely ready to CTB just yet, I want to be the first women in my family to enter a STEM field successfully. Both of my grandmothers are/were very smart people; however, they were not able to do what they wanted in life. My only living grandma has talked to me about this before and I honestly cannot leave her like this when she sees so much of herself in me in terms of ambition. I have been born with so many privileges I want to do at least some good with them. Despite this though, if I do end up dying from starvation or some shit, it's not something I'm going to get myself worked up over lol.

While I cherrish the appearance of a good looking girl at least as much as the next guy arround, I find it very unfortunate if a woman has been conditioned to draw her sense of self-worth from her looks and maybe even nothing but that.

PC bumper stickers won't help you any here, but you should try and seek for other avenues of self-esteem. Gosh if I'd only knew how to instill confidence of self in others - but I can't even do that for the guy I have to face in the mirror each morning. :(

 

[cassxtho]

I am also pursuing a STEM degree (computer science in regards to game development)

Heyy good luck to you. I'm hoping to graduate with a major in computer engineering and a minor in comp sci! Good luck with gaming though the industry has gone to shit.

but you should try and seek for other avenues of self-esteem

I think I do have them. I'm decently smart and I feel like in terms of looks I've come far enough to no longer think I'm ugly. It's mostly a desire for better treatment. Even without all the ED stuff I'd still be going to the gym every day, it hasn't done much for my mental health but physically I feel so much better.