Venting Lost my virginity, got a job.. still not feeling too stoked

[ummwhaaat]

Wrote here a few years back about my suicide attempt.. I'm 27 now. I've seen a therapist since then(for like 2 years, stopped talking to her around february), tried some antidepressants, did shrooms, found a way to get xanax for when im anxious (no, not prescribed, dont worry Im not addicted), found a new girlfriend who is alright I guess. She's hot but I guess I'm not really totally sold on her personality.. She has BPD, need I say more?. We've been together for 2 years I think (internet girlfriend - yes I did cheat on her, I know, bad, judge me all you want).

Went through 3 years where I basically had no job, but I don't really need money so I did some traveling, gaming, watching tv shows, movies etc. I'm sure a lot of people would be envious of my position. My problem I think boils down to the fact that I just do not like hanging out with other people. It gives me no pleasure.

But that is also the problem, because I realize I am a human which makes me a social animal. Idk how to fix it.

Anyways, guess I'll share the story of how I lost my virginity at 27. Didnt help me cure any side of my depression, probably because it wasnt really something i was insecure about in the first place really i guess?

I decided I wanted to go into the inner city to a club and try and meet some people. I took a few xannies beforehand because I do get anxious meeting new people. Then ended up meeting a former colleague from like 6-7 years ago. We started talking and basically hung out for the whole night and drank together with his buddies. One of the girls from his friend group there was really into me, and we went to the dancefloor and she started groping me really aggressively while we were dancing, which I reciprocated. Then she went in for a kiss, and I think my retarded kissing technique put her off a bit? because she started backing off, or maybe it was because she was whispering in my ear but I couldn't hear shit of what she said to me and she thought I wasnt into her because I was just smiling to her whenever she said anything. The music was loud AF, what can I say.

So psych, that wasnt the girl I lost my virginity to.

BUT
Then I decided to go out on a monday(like 2 days after), of all days. I went to the bartender and ordered my drink and sat at the table. There were like 4 people in the whole club. I drank up noticed a cute girl going up to the DJ, and he got a bit upset at her. When I walked out I saw her and joked with her about it. Honestly it was kinda a weird night, some dude was yelling at me to piss off because "he knew what I was trying to do" when I talked to her. Long story short, that guy ended up inviting me, her, and 3 other guys to his apartment where we drank a few beers. On the way there this girl asked if I wanted to have sex and if I'd ever tried anal etc, and I joked and said some stuff along the lines of "no way, im not letting you do that to me". After we'd been to this guy apartment for like an hour I asked her if she wanted to go home with me, she said yes and well the rest is history.
Honestly surprising how easy it was to lose my virginity. I look decent so obviously that helped a great deal. I was never really an incel I would say because it's not like I ever tried losing my virginity, and I've had plenty girls try and get with me while I was studying going to parties etc.
I just don't really think the sex was all that special after all. Maybe cause I was drunk I guess?. Pretty sure she wanted round 2 the morning after since she was kissing my and moving closer to me, but I wasnt really feeling it and pretty much just wanted her gone, so I just got up and showered, offered her coffee and breakfast etc which she declined then left

Anyways, yesterday I got a job offer which I accepted (kinda/technically... - it should turn out to be a real job in about a month, its like a trial phase.. But I'm good at what I do so I feel like they will probably hire me full time) but I still feel basically the same way I did back when I tried to hang myself, and for like (7-8)? years now I've had no desire to live and there does not seem to be anything that's helping in that regard.

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk

 

[Hero Remeer]

Well, at least you discover something new about yourself and I mean that if that didn't cause a deep change that motivated you to live, you should look elsewhere. We're all in something similar, maybe with time you'll discover what works for you. And don't compare yourself because everyone is different and different things work for each one, apart from the fact that many people don't say these things that are mentioned here but they think them.
I hope I've helped you in some way.
Greetings, I hope you're well

 

[Golemishna]

"My problem I think boils down to the fact that I just do not like hanging out with other people. It gives me no pleasure.But that is also the problem, because I realize I am a human which makes me a social animal. Idk how to fix it."

I feel exactly the same. But you have better social skills and are better looking than me. I'd recommend taking advantage of those strong qualities that you have and keep searching for things that make you feel better.

 

[legoshi]

Doesn't need money, has a girlfriend and can easily get Xanax (I need those for my SN). Can we trade lives?

I feel you on the don't like people part. I don't feel comfortable being around people, but I also feel very lonely and want people. It's very confusing.

Hope your new potential job turns out well.

 

[ummwhaaat]

Doesn't need money, has a girlfriend and can easily get Xanax (I need those for my SN). Can we trade lives?

I feel you on the don't like people part. I don't feel comfortable being around people, but I also feel very lonely and want people. It's very confusing.

Hope your new potential job turns out well.

" (I need those for my SN). Can we trade lives? "

I'd need you to expand on that, SN for xanax? what world are you living in bro, how does that work?

Anyways my new job stuff seems to be going well. The boss said he's very satisfied with my work and already talked about hiring me for the project going forward so I guess that's cool even though it's nowhere near my comp-sci adjecent education.
Most people would be ecstatic to be in my position so yeah honestly I'd trade lives with you if it meant me being worse off, just so i'd feel feel better about CTB

*that's a hyperbole, i really don't know whats going on with your life. i just feel so bad for even thinking about it because people in my life care about me and i know they'd take years to recover from that unfortunately. (Although i did try it once, u can read my post history, i dont think i deleted it ((yet)) )

 

[legoshi]

" (I need those for my SN). Can we trade lives? "

I'd need you to expand on that, SN for xanax? what world are you living in bro, how does that work?

Anyways my new job stuff seems to be going well. The boss said he's very satisfied with my work and already talked about hiring me for the project going forward so I guess that's cool even though it's nowhere near my comp-sci adjecent education.
Most people would be ecstatic to be in my position so yeah honestly I'd trade lives with you if it meant me being worse off, just so i'd feel feel better about CTB

*that's a hyperbole, i really don't know whats going on with your life. i just feel so bad for even thinking about it because people in my life care about me and i know they'd take years to recover from that unfortunately. (Although i did try it once, u can read my post history, i dont think i deleted it ((yet)) )

I was saying I need Xanax to use for the SN method. you said you can easily get them. I was saying I'd take your life so that I can get what I need to CTB.

It's good to hear you are liking the job and your boss is also happy with how you are doing.

My life isn't bad it's just I'm not cut out for life. I lack a lot of abilities that other people have in abundance. I don't have many people in my life for them to be hurt over me ctb

 

[Jack_Nimble]

Rich parents? Trust fund kid? Inheritance?

What is the job you've got?

 

[Ashu]

BUT
Then I decided to go out on a monday(like 2 days after), of all days. I went to the bartender and ordered my drink and sat at the table. There were like 4 people in the whole club. I drank up noticed a cute girl going up to the DJ, and he got a bit upset at her. When I walked out I saw her and joked with her about it. Honestly it was kinda a weird night, some dude was yelling at me to piss off because "he knew what I was trying to do" when I talked to her. Long story short, that guy ended up inviting me, her, and 3 other guys to his apartment where we drank a few beers. On the way there this girl asked if I wanted to have sex and if I'd ever tried anal etc, and I joked and said some stuff along the lines of "no way, im not letting you do that to me". After we'd been to this guy apartment for like an hour I asked her if she wanted to go home with me, she said yes and well the rest is history.
Honestly surprising how easy it was to lose my virginity. I look decent so obviously that helped a great deal. I was never really an incel I would say because it's not like I ever tried losing my virginity, and I've had plenty girls try and get with me while I was studying going to parties etc.
I just don't really think the sex was all that special after all. Maybe cause I was drunk I guess?. Pretty sure she wanted round 2 the morning after since she was kissing my and moving closer to me, but I wasnt really feeling it and pretty much just wanted her gone, so I just got up and showered, offered her coffee and breakfast etc which she declined then left

So did you do anal with her? If so, you've still got another virginity to lose. Me too: I've never done anal, but at this point it's not gonna happen in this incarnation.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

Basically, daily meditation and wanting to help others recovered me without changing my life (still no gf, etc).