roaming_soul
Member
- Dec 29, 2021
- 49
I'm chatting to my younger sister online as I type this - she's in another country rn and making me so so proud with every choice that she makes and the way that she navigates this unpredictable life with so much grace, kindness and self-awareness...and a healthy dose of sarcasm.
I know that she'll be ok when I'm not here anymore.
I don't want to say that. But honestly, it's like the decision has been made. Not the where, when and how of it all, but the acceptance that I'll one day choose to leave my best friend, my sister, who looks up to me and comes to me with all her deep & silly questions - and somehow I always have the answers for her. Sometimes I know what she should do before she even brings up an issue. She's been my reason I've tried so hard these last 7 years. To be a better man, to be kinder and more thoughtful. To set the example in taking care of oneself.
I'm aware enough to know that I've done a good job at that. We've created amazing experiences together and individually. No one can ever take that away.
But I'm slowly accepting that not a thing or person will take away this feeling, thought or whatever name you want to call it that sits at the back of my mind every single day that this life just isn't for me.
In my conversation with her now I noticed myself subconciously being deliberate with my words to her because I want her to hold on to them forever. I want her to know that she is the best thing in my life and that nothing, NOTHING will ever change that. Not even my choice to be the biggest pain in her life.
My face is wet with tears. I thought I could be bigger than this. For her at least. If I'm being honest, the decision was made a long time ago. It's just a matter of timing now. But my promise to her, between now and then, is to keep living as fully as we had always promised each other to do.
And maybe through that, I'll find healing in the acceptance of my choice and she'll someday find healing in the memory of it all.
I know that she'll be ok when I'm not here anymore.
I don't want to say that. But honestly, it's like the decision has been made. Not the where, when and how of it all, but the acceptance that I'll one day choose to leave my best friend, my sister, who looks up to me and comes to me with all her deep & silly questions - and somehow I always have the answers for her. Sometimes I know what she should do before she even brings up an issue. She's been my reason I've tried so hard these last 7 years. To be a better man, to be kinder and more thoughtful. To set the example in taking care of oneself.
I'm aware enough to know that I've done a good job at that. We've created amazing experiences together and individually. No one can ever take that away.
But I'm slowly accepting that not a thing or person will take away this feeling, thought or whatever name you want to call it that sits at the back of my mind every single day that this life just isn't for me.
In my conversation with her now I noticed myself subconciously being deliberate with my words to her because I want her to hold on to them forever. I want her to know that she is the best thing in my life and that nothing, NOTHING will ever change that. Not even my choice to be the biggest pain in her life.
My face is wet with tears. I thought I could be bigger than this. For her at least. If I'm being honest, the decision was made a long time ago. It's just a matter of timing now. But my promise to her, between now and then, is to keep living as fully as we had always promised each other to do.
And maybe through that, I'll find healing in the acceptance of my choice and she'll someday find healing in the memory of it all.
