thats sort of where i've been as well. even if something good happens for once here and there in life, or there's these flashes and sparks of happiness here and there, it'll still be ruined by my own emptiness inside. for me, none of that ever lasts and it always goes away in the end.
as for a someone. i always thought because of the inability to love myself, if i had someone to provide this emotion of love for me, maybe i'd be better. i partially had it with really really amazing friends, but this emptiness still got the best of me. even if i was cherished with love, i'd question why? why and how can someone even love me? am i even worth being loved? i still felt as alone as ever and even though someone gave me this emotion of love i never had, i still couldn't truly feel it because i couldn't BELIEVE IT and grasp it because of the inability to love myself. and i really do believe i'm so far gone that like a partner, or these sparks of happiness, none of this will ever matter.
sorry that you resonate with how i feel being inable to love or be loved because of you're own inability to accept and love yourself is the hardest thing to deal cause absolutely destroys you.