Story Made a promise I can’t keep…

[MeowWantsToGoHome]

Hey guys,

Just in advance, y'all are free to express whatever opinions about me you please. I'm going to admit some pretty crappy things, but I guess judgment just doesn't really matter to me anymore.

Starting off, I'm female and (almost) 23. I've been severely depressed pretty much as long as I can remember. I've always been unmedicated for a mixed bag of other mental illnesses, as well. I have debilitating anxiety that's so bad I can't work. Oh, also I'm AuDHD and I feel like an actual alien among humans 100% of the time.

I won't lie, regardless of my own headspace, I have a truly blessed life. I live with my boyfriend's family who love me to death and my boyfriend works full-time as a CNA to support me. I have a dad and a little sister who are pretty much my only close blood family who I love very much. My mom's a shithead and I DNI with her.

For the most part, I've been able to keep my depression and suicidal ideation to a fairly passive degree, but it flares up bad every now and again. Lately it seems like it just won't go away. I've never felt like I belong here on this planet. There's a YouTuber called ito can't sleep who summarized it pretty well, like… you feel like you have to be from somewhere else—like an alien from another world—to justify your sense of not belonging, because otherwise it just means you're broken. Me, personally, I feel like I just… want to return to the stars, I guess. Like there's someplace else out there for me where I would finally feel at home.

I've attempted multiple times in the past, or at least done violence against myself. Pills, cutting, asphyxiation… probably a myriad of other things I've done and just pushed out of my memory. I've only recently gotten serious about researching a method that I'm most interested in and that would be the easiest for me. I'm pretty confident in my ability to carry it out, and I could pretty much do so at any time now. The only thing stopping me is, well… technically two things:

1) I'm scared of death. My survival instinct is pretty damn high and, of course, there's the fear of what it'll feel like and what comes after. Typical song and dance that I think most of us deal with.

2) People love me. A lot. And I honestly couldn't tell you why.

I cope with my depression through dark humor a lot and I make a few "kms" jokes here and there. Well, literally just today, my boyfriend admitted how much it bothered him that I keep "joking" that I won't make it to 30 and he walled me into making a promise that I wouldn't do anything to hurt myself. I kind of just stayed silent for awhile until he started telling me all about how much everyone loved me, how he needed me to stay by his side for support, truly doesn't know what he'd do without me…

…So I promised him with my fingers crossed because I just… didn't know what else to do. I know it doesn't make it right and that's such a kindergarten thing to do, but it was all I could think of. I wanted to just outright tell him that I wouldn't make him a promise I couldn't keep. Too late now. He knows about my depression and all of my trauma and everything. I'm nearly a completely open book with him.

I really just don't get it. I'm a parasite. I don't pull my own weight financially, and I don't even consider myself a pleasant person to keep around. I'm quiet and I keep to myself and I prefer nobody to even know I exist if I can help it. I'm shy. I just want to stay out of the way. I don't understand why he doesn't think he'd just be better off without me. He's such an amazing guy, he could easily find someone successful, someone who actually had ambition and drive and could function as a normal human being. I can't. I've never been that way.

And now I've gone and fucked up yet again, because I know I'm not long for this world. I know for a fact I can't keep that stupid fucking promise. And that's what he'll get for everything he's done for me is the biggest slap in the face ever?

Why can't people just hate me? Why can't they just not care if I live or die? At this point, the fear of death isn't even what's mainly keeping me around, I'm whittling that down every single day. It's the fact that I'd hurt so many people… But I'm also hurting and I matter, too. Why is there no option C? Why is there only stay or go? I wish my soul could leave my body and let some other soul in so that my body could keep living without "me."

There's no guilt-free death for me. There's no easy way out no matter how I spin it. I'm trapped somewhere I don't want to be and it's tearing me apart.

I feel like I'm going to attempt soon, and if I do, I'd better make sure I get it right because I could never look him in the eyes again if I failed. At least if I'm dead, so too dies the feeling of guilt. It won't be my problem.

I hate myself so much for saying this… I am a terrible person and a waste of breath and space. I wish I could just fall asleep tonight and never open my eyes again.

 

[shironeko]

Life is just.. cruel..
I can feel your pain in your words…
I really wish there exists a reset button, to erase one's existence, from the beginning.

It is so painful.. I'm sorry..

 

[uniqueusername4]

I identify with your post a lot. I am also AuDHD, I've always felt like an alien, must be from another world because I just really don't belong here. Unfortunately due to my suicidal ideations, emotional dysregulation, and rsd, I've lost literally every person that cared or used to care. I completely understand where you're coming from because when there were people, there was this pressure to live. Now there is no pressure and it feels very freeing. Between having no pressure and also almost having a complete ctb kit ready (just need benzos), it makes me feel like I can live because I have the opportunity to ctb at anytime.

This also sucks though because like I said, I have no one. Maslow's hierarchy of needs says that we need a sense of belonging/friends/family/love. I dont know where/how to get that now. I really feel like I can't trust anyone because if I am genuine with them, I will end up institutionalized and if I can't be genuine, then what is the point of a friendship?? I don't know how long I could live without any support system at all. It is really a catch 22.

 

[MeowWantsToGoHome]

I identify with your post a lot. I am also AuDHD, I've always felt like an alien, must be from another world because I just really don't belong here. Unfortunately due to my suicidal ideations, emotional dysregulation, and rsd, I've lost literally every person that cared or used to care. I completely understand where you're coming from because when there were people, there was this pressure to live. Now there is no pressure and it feels very freeing. Between having no pressure and also almost having a complete ctb kit ready (just need benzos), it makes me feel like I can live because I have the opportunity to ctb at anytime.

This also sucks though because like I said, I have no one. Maslow's hierarchy of needs says that we need a sense of belonging/friends/family/love. I dont know where/how to get that now. I really feel like I can't trust anyone because if I am genuine with them, I will end up institutionalized and if I can't be genuine, then what is the point of a friendship?? I don't know how long I could live without any support system at all. It is really a catch 22.

I'm so sorry. It really makes no sense, like people don't get it. I feel like so many people like to say "you can always come to me" but don't grasp the gravity of what that truly means. And when things get a little too real, they think the proper response is to fly off the handle and start calling emergency services on someone.

And I'm gonna say it… Obviously, each set of circumstances is going to be different—and, sure, maybe sometimes someone actually does need immediate help. But most of the time, we just need to fucking speak and be heard. I don't expect anyone to fix my problems. I just want to say the godawful shit that's on my mind and get it out there, and feel SAFE when doing so.

But no, I completely get it. I'm hoping to be on my way out soon, too. I decided I'll be doing it after my birthday instead of before. That's on the 21st, so very close. I've been feeling more and more numb to it the longer the days go by.

 

[uniqueusername4]

I'm so sorry. It really makes no sense, like people don't get it. I feel like so many people like to say "you can always come to me" but don't grasp the gravity of what that truly means. And when things get a little too real, they think the proper response is to fly off the handle and start calling emergency services on someone.

And I'm gonna say it… Obviously, each set of circumstances is going to be different—and, sure, maybe sometimes someone actually does need immediate help. But most of the time, we just need to fucking speak and be heard. I don't expect anyone to fix my problems. I just want to say the godawful shit that's on my mind and get it out there, and feel SAFE when doing so.

But no, I completely get it. I'm hoping to be on my way out soon, too. I decided I'll be doing it after my birthday instead of before. That's on the 21st, so very close. I've been feeling more and more numb to it the longer the days go by.

Wow we are also almost birthday twins. mine is the 25th.

 

[Wolf Girl]

Are you autistic, by any chance? Super common for autistic kids to think they must be aliens or animals.

Fwiw, I'm a decade older and I think you should try to recover. You have a lot going for you and you are extremely young. Time has a way of changing things.

 

[MeowWantsToGoHome]

Are you autistic, by any chance? Super common for autistic kids to think they must be aliens or animals.

Fwiw, I'm a decade older and I think you should try to recover. You have a lot going for you and you are extremely young. Time has a way of changing things.

Yes, I am autistic. Really wish I'd found out earlier in life, but better late than never, I suppose. And thank you, I do appreciate the kind thought.

Wow we are also almost birthday twins. mine is the 25th.

Oh, wow! Well, in case I don't get to tell you on the day, I hope you have a great birthday!

 

[godsavemebrickbrick]

This is so sad, I feel for you. I am in a similar situation, feeling like just a parasite. I can't offer advice, but I can reassure you that many people will love you even if you don't love yourself, and just your presence is enough to pay them back for what they give. I wish you the best no matter what you decide to do next.

 

[MeowWantsToGoHome]

This is so sad, I feel for you. I am in a similar situation, feeling like just a parasite. I can't offer advice, but I can reassure you that many people will love you even if you don't love yourself, and just your presence is enough to pay them back for what they give. I wish you the best no matter what you decide to do next.

Thank you, honestly. That means a lot to me. I wish you the best, as well.

 

[almost-there]

Girl! I felt you so much. It was like listening to myself. I'm also female but a little older than you. The difference between you and me is that you were talking about your boyfriend, but I made that promise to my girlfriend (I mean, a friend that is a girl. I do not understand why in English is the same word, Spanish has different words for that. Spanish > English xd)

2) People love me. A lot. And I honestly couldn't tell you why.

Me too. I have never understood why. I wish we could love ourselves the same way they do. I guess there is someone in us that we have not seen yet. I wonder what it is, and I wonder if we will ever see it.

I hope you can find that peace you are looking for.

 

[qualityOV3Rquantity]

I hate myself so much for saying this… I am a terrible person and a waste of breath and space. I wish I could just fall asleep tonight and never open my eyes again.

It doesn't sound like you're a terrible person. it sounds like you're just a normal person who is dealing with problems that most people couldn't even understand. Please try and give yourself grace, you're dealing with so much! If you were really a terrible person, you probably wouldn't have people that love you. I know that you can't really live just for the sake of others, so I hope that you are able to find some joy and happiness in your own life! I think your boyfriend sees something in you that you yourself don't. You aren't a parasite to him.

I hope you find relief from the pain you're in now, preferably in this life!

 

[Valhala]

I didn't promise anything to anyone, and I don't have anyone else to whom I could promise anything. My parents died a long time ago, I haven't had contact with my brother for years, I don't have any close relatives, and my children are already adults living their own lives. With the only person I love and who it means everything to me, I ended the relationship despite the fact that I loved her and that every day I love her more and more. I have lost all meaning and reason, my loneliness is now absolute. The only thing that still keeps me here is some possibility that she will return to me and to be together again. If I had SN now, I believe that I would already be CTB today. I can't stand loneliness and life without true meaning, and I know that I can only be with her. All my emotional interactions in terms of a partner relationship are completely blocked because I know that I am not able to love anyone but her and I don't want to pretend and lie, neither to myself nor to anyone else. Somewhere deep inside, intuitively, I feel that she still loves me, I am aware that our connection is on some mental level unbreakable level but I think she can't forgive me because she doesn't trust me and thinks I betrayed her even though I've always loved her and my heart has only been hers since we met. I'm sorry that I'll probably never have the chance to show her that and prove.

 

[Sat]

I'm slightly younger but all I can say from a similar experience is, you can really never make people who love you for who you are hate you.

And as for the alien part, I think it's just you being you as an individual, although don't think about this deeply. Just saying something that might make you feel better for yourself.

I'm not saying to don't proceed with it, just think about it more. If you really want to do it, you'd just so it, you'd have the feeling.

-from a parasite who still lives with his parents and can't even manage shallow relationship such as friendships.