Venting Making my to do list. Plan SN CTB soon

[seasons4changing]

So I been lurking for a few months now and I have to say I am extremely happy to have found this forum and reading what others posts and the multiple resources have been great. I have been wanting to CTB for many years and attempted twice in 2018 . It was unsuccessful because of SI. I been on antidepressants since 2006 and just tired of life in general. I wake up daily hating I am still here. The antidepressants make me feel like my life is not real. I guess working years in the social work field is kind of ironic. I am constantly helping others and listening to them vent all while I feel like a husk, empty and lack of emotion or care for myself but I care for other people. I don't know what's that's called but it's frustrating to say the least. My story is so long maybe I'll post it someday. Anyway my to do list. I don't mind discussions about my to do list it would be helpful to see what people think.

I have SN arriving soon from DMC. I choose SN because it's easier to hide from my bf and I order so much from online stores he doesn't check boxes. I have Meto arriving soon. I have been working with my psych for years so I asked for benzos so I hope I hear back soon. So my to do list is:

I will work as usually until I get all my stuff. I have a significant high paying job and lots of responsibilities and people will notice if I slack off and I am afraid I will slack off once I make my CTB date. I have been put in a psych ward since working here and all my coworkers know I struggle so I don't want them to be suspicious that I have yet another plan. They say it's the work we do that pushes people over the edge but little they know this work is the only thing keeping me here not even my own children are keeping me here which sounds harsh but when your depressed for years and years coupled with antidepressants overload you lose a part of you. I feel like a empty husk.

Anyway back to the todo list lol.

1. Work as normal until SN and other arrive.
2. Make a journal for all my financial records and give bank my kids updated information for them to be beneficiaries.
3. Research local cremation providers so my partner doesn't have to go through that. Have money set aside to pay for that
4. Leave a delayed emails for my children? Still thinking if that's a good idea or not. I just don't want them feeling like they were not good enough for me to stick around. All my choices are due to my struggle. They have nothing to do with my decisions..
5. Figure out where to CTB. If I CTB at home my bf will find me. He works 12 hours a day so if I CTB when he leaves I hope to have enough time to cross over. Or get a hotel? Problem is I know so many local people so if I go into a hotel alone they will text my bf thinking I'm there to cheat on him.

Anyway that's my to do list. Idk if it's a solid plan but it's what I have. Oh I also have vehicles i am not sure if I should leave them to my bf so he can sell them. My kids are too young for cars. I also have a few antique firearms old war rifles im not sure how to get rid of them without suspicion. I always said to people if I sell my collection of the old WWII and WWI rifles then they better be concerned lol. Well I guess it's best to write a will for them? I wonder if the authorities will just seize them after I die? Who knows. More research is needed.

 

[OmoriFan]

I would say that leaving an email for your children is a good idea. Even if you think they might react negatively i still think they would probably want answers to the questions that may arise when you CTB. As for where and when to CTB perhaps you could do it before you normally go to sleep? Just remember that the SN method takes up to a few hours definitely not longer than 12 hours so you may as well do it when your boyfriend is at work. Unfortunately i cant help with the old war rifles problems as i have never owned one of those before but overall i would say it is a solid plan you thought up! Sending lots of love and wish you the best

 

[skatergirl]

So I been lurking for a few months now and I have to say I am extremely happy to have found this forum and reading what others posts and the multiple resources have been great. I have been wanting to CTB for many years and attempted twice in 2018 . It was unsuccessful because of SI. I been on antidepressants since 2006 and just tired of life in general. I wake up daily hating I am still here. The antidepressants make me feel like my life is not real. I guess working years in the social work field is kind of ironic. I am constantly helping others and listening to them vent all while I feel like a husk, empty and lack of emotion or care for myself but I care for other people. I don't know what's that's called but it's frustrating to say the least. My story is so long maybe I'll post it someday. Anyway my to do list. I don't mind discussions about my to do list it would be helpful to see what people think.

I have SN arriving soon from DMC. I choose SN because it's easier to hide from my bf and I order so much from online stores he doesn't check boxes. I have Meto arriving soon. I have been working with my psych for years so I asked for benzos so I hope I hear back soon. So my to do list is:

I will work as usually until I get all my stuff. I have a significant high paying job and lots of responsibilities and people will notice if I slack off and I am afraid I will slack off once I make my CTB date. I have been put in a psych ward since working here and all my coworkers know I struggle so I don't want them to be suspicious that I have yet another plan. They say it's the work we do that pushes people over the edge but little they know this work is the only thing keeping me here not even my own children are keeping me here which sounds harsh but when your depressed for years and years coupled with antidepressants overload you lose a part of you. I feel like a empty husk.

Anyway back to the todo list lol.

1. Work as normal until SN and other arrive.
2. Make a journal for all my financial records and give bank my kids updated information for them to be beneficiaries.
3. Research local cremation providers so my partner doesn't have to go through that. Have money set aside to pay for that
4. Leave a delayed emails for my children? Still thinking if that's a good idea or not. I just don't want them feeling like they were not good enough for me to stick around. All my choices are due to my struggle. They have nothing to do with my decisions..
5. Figure out where to CTB. If I CTB at home my bf will find me. He works 12 hours a day so if I CTB when he leaves I hope to have enough time to cross over. Or get a hotel? Problem is I know so many local people so if I go into a hotel alone they will text my bf thinking I'm there to cheat on him.

Anyway that's my to do list. Idk if it's a solid plan but it's what I have. Oh I also have vehicles i am not sure if I should leave them to my bf so he can sell them. My kids are too young for cars. I also have a few antique firearms old war rifles im not sure how to get rid of them without suspicion. I always said to people if I sell my collection of the old WWII and WWI rifles then they better be concerned lol. Well I guess it's best to write a will for them? I wonder if the authorities will just seize them after I die? Who knows. More research is needed.

What's your sn protocol?

 

[Goosechan]

I have a very strained relationship with my mother and a very sympathetic and uncommon (outside this forum) view towards suicide and I would appreciate a letter from her in case she were to CTB. I hope that helps a little.
I also have unusual collections that the people around me don't know the worth off. When going over plans in my head I always imagine making inventory of my collections on the pieces, the condition they are in, their approximate worth, platforms to sell them on and people in my life that might appreciate pieces of said collection. You don't have to do that, of course, but I wanted to share my thoughts in case they are helpful.

 

[seasons4changing]

What's your sn protocol?

Right now I naturally food fast from 6am when I wake until about 1pm. I plan to get a hotel on my ctb date. Right now I'm working on benzos .

I might check in at the hotel at 4pm
5pm Take 1000mg Tylenol
6pm take meto 30mg
6:45pm take 35g sn (I weigh over 100kg)
Take benzos if I get them if not I'll just do sn without them. My psych knows me well and knows I feel like I live in the matrix he might give me benzos for the high anxiety

A week before I'll probably write my letters to my bf and children. I need to work on beneficiaries for my things so I need to do that sometime soon.

I have a very strained relationship with my mother and a very sympathetic and uncommon (outside this forum) view towards suicide and I would appreciate a letter from her in case she were to CTB. I hope that helps a little.
I also have unusual collections that the people around me don't know the worth off. When going over plans in my head I always imagine making inventory of my collections on the pieces, the condition they are in, their approximate worth, platforms to sell them on and people in my life that might appreciate pieces of said collection. You don't have to do that, of course, but I wanted to share my thoughts in case they are helpful.

Thank you . I will leave a good note for my loved ones. Biggest thing is I want them to know I been suffering and my ctb has nothing to do with them. That's a good idea about the collection. I have to research my states rules on antique firearms I swear I should be able to gift them to my bf. I think it will help them a lot if I research what to do with my things. It will be one less stress for them

 

[blak73]

Hey I know the deal well - 20 years heading a social work agency, feeling empathy for everyone other than yourself. It is tiring. I too find it a relief to see people on here just owning the feelings for what they are. Everyone tends to react so badly to even a murmur about CTB that you soon learn it is taboo. Ironically after people CTB they say "he just did not say anything"… a real disconnect with the fact that the treatments and so called solutions are worse than CTB. Not like you would speak up if you think you may get drugged or detained. You definitely should give your kids answers. Maybe you could consider taping a video? Kids often lose visual memory of their parents so that would be so precious to them. To be honest I would focus on telling them how it is not their fault and how much you love them. I don't think any reason you give would be endorsed by them really. You are their parent. They are kinda programmed to wish you stay alive! As for the property, so many legal complexities you may do better to just sit in the space that is just going to be out of your control. More important to stay low profile!

 

[stella68]

Quindi sono stato in agguato per alcuni mesi e devo dire che sono estremamente felice di aver trovato questo forum e leggere cosa hanno scritto gli altri e le molteplici risorse è stato fantastico. Volevo fare CTB da molti anni e ci ho provato due volte nel 2018. Non ha avuto successo a causa di SI. Prendo antidepressivi dal 2006 e sono semplicemente stanco della vita in generale. Mi sveglio ogni giorno odiandomi di essere ancora qui. Gli antidepressivi mi fanno sentire come se la mia vita non fosse reale. Immagino che lavorare anni nel campo dell'assistenza sociale sia un po' ironico. Aiuto costantemente gli altri e li ascolto sfogarsi mentre mi sento come un guscio, vuoto e privo di emozioni o di cura per me stesso, ma mi preoccupo per le altre persone. Non so come si chiama ma è frustrante per non dire altro. La mia storia è così lunga che forse la pubblicherò un giorno. Comunque la mia lista di cose da fare. Non mi dispiace discutere della mia lista di cose da fare, sarebbe utile vedere cosa ne pensa la gente.

Ho SN in arrivo a breve da DMC. Ho scelto SN perché è più facile nascondermi dal mio ragazzo e ordino così tanto dai negozi online che lui non spunta le caselle. Ho Meto in arrivo a breve. Lavoro con il mio psichiatra da anni, quindi ho chiesto delle benzodiazepine, quindi spero di ricevere presto una risposta. Quindi la mia lista delle cose da fare è:

Lavorerò come al solito finché non avrò tutte le mie cose. Ho un lavoro ben pagato e tante responsabilità e la gente noterà se mi rilasso e ho paura che mi rilasso una volta che avrò raggiunto la data del CTB. Sono stato ricoverato in un reparto psichiatrico da quando lavoro qui e tutti i miei colleghi sanno che ho delle difficoltà, quindi non voglio che sospettino che ho un altro piano. Dicono che è il lavoro che facciamo a spingere le persone oltre il limite, ma non sanno che questo lavoro è l'unica cosa che mi trattiene qui, nemmeno i miei figli mi trattengono qui, il che sembra duro, ma quando sei depresso per anni e anni, unito a un sovraccarico di antidepressivi, perdi una parte di te. Mi sento come un guscio vuoto.

Comunque torniamo alla lista delle cose da fare lol.

1. Lavorare normalmente fino all'arrivo di SN e degli altri.
2. Tenere un diario per tutti i miei dati finanziari e fornire alla banca le informazioni aggiornate sui miei figli affinché possano essere i beneficiari.
3. Cercare fornitori di cremazioni locali in modo che il mio partner non debba passare attraverso questo. Mettere da parte dei soldi per pagare questo
4. Lasciare email in ritardo per i miei figli? Sto ancora pensando se sia una buona idea o meno. Non voglio solo che si sentano come se non fossero abbastanza bravi per me da restare. Tutte le mie scelte sono dovute alle mie difficoltà. Non hanno nulla a che fare con le mie decisioni.
5. Scopri dove fare CTB. Se faccio CTB a casa, il mio ragazzo mi troverà. Lavora 12 ore al giorno, quindi se faccio CTB quando lui se ne va, spero di avere abbastanza tempo per attraversare. O prendere un hotel? Il problema è che conosco così tante persone del posto, quindi se vado in un hotel da sola, manderanno un messaggio al mio ragazzo pensando che sono lì per tradirlo.

Comunque questa è la mia lista delle cose da fare. Non so se è un piano solido ma è quello che ho. Oh, ho anche dei veicoli, non so se dovrei lasciarli al mio ragazzo così può venderli. I miei figli sono troppo piccoli per le auto. Ho anche alcune armi da fuoco antiche, vecchi fucili da guerra, non so come liberarmene senza destare sospetti. Ho sempre detto alla gente che se avessi venduto la mia collezione di vecchi fucili della seconda e prima guerra mondiale, allora sarebbe stato meglio che si preoccupassero, lol. Beh, credo che sia meglio scrivere un testamento per loro. Mi chiedo se le autorità li sequestreranno dopo la mia morte. Chissà. Sono necessarie ulteriorvis

Non sai come ti capisco anche io depressione maggiore da almeno 20 anni , sono esausta. se non ti secca puoi mandarmi il link per SN? te ne sarei davvero grata. Spero che tu trovi la tua serenità