venua
ven *
- Jul 1, 2023
- 60
i keep wondering if any emotions i want to feel are worth pursuing. Swaying back and forth between content with being numb and nothing, and hysterically borderline manic enduced love. If what i feel can be called love, more of an intimacy desire. A fucked up version of don't leave me. My partner and I seperated for about 2 weeks, for him to clear his head and think some important factors over. To any rational and emotionally mature person, this would be fine, understandable and acceptable. Not to someone like myself however. Oh wow did I lose my shit completely. Didn't eat, sleep or consider how what I was doing to myself in his departure may affect his return, if he was going to make one. Which at the time was out of the question. Days were slow, painful and just got lower and lower. Began to consider suicide, planned it, looked on Sasu for methods and asked for them. Attempted. Hysterically, out of my mind still reeling, I attempted. He returned. How horrible I felt, how guilty I felt. Part of me wanted to scream, to blame him for what I percived he made me do. The other, just collapse in him. Cry like a child, a child who never got fathers attention and so craved it from her boyfriend. I sometimes think, why do i become so erratic over this male? Do i see his occasional departures similarly to my fathers emotional distance? Or is this just "being in love"? Its a question that speeds in my mind far too often.
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