Maybe this is a weird question (about sh)

[PianoGoat]

I already mentioned it in another thread, and its something that disgusts me a bit about myself but... i really feel like self harming on my genitals.
Ive explained a bit why i feel that way but no matter what im so scared of doing it and ending up with serious problems...
i feel so disgusted with myself, i feel that im probably doing a better thing for the world by just fucking removing it.
I cant even believe im saying this stuff...

From a previous thread + adding more context:

Being a male i do feel like all around a shit talking about this, and i think one of the causes i constantly am on the edge of doing it is that i just feel like the whole existance of "it" is... so horrible. I hate how many times i hear of women getting raped and i could never imagine how a man could ever do it, but at the same time i "know" (am able to feel, and am afraid of) the animalistic desire to destroy and get pleasure from it, just because i am human.
I hate the fact that i could ever be related to something like that.
And something i really hate is that i got abused at 14 by my ex. Maybe it's all in my head because afterall i am a guy and guys should be the ones wanting it but... i didnt want to and she threatened to kill herself if i didn't do it.


Maybe i should be more clear but being so long ago i've tried to delete that moment from my life. It was the lowest moment in my whole life i think.


Context: (first time ever talking about this...)

I was 14 and my ex 13.
theres a ton of info i should add, such as her parents being absent, her brother one of the weirdest kids i ever met, the fact that we got together way too quickly (but i was 14 and thought it was the love of my life... obviously)

After a day we were together she told me that she self harmed but was going to therapy and was going to be okay.
She always wanted to do sexual things with me, even after like just a month we knew each other. i was pretty mature for a 14 year old (who, i admit, did watch a lot of pornography, but at the same time understood how serious something like sex really is, EXPECIALLY at that young of an age)
and i explained to her, thinking that she was trying to make me like her more by doing it, that i didnt want to pressure anything and i just wanted her to feel comfortable and happy with me.
She still kept pressuring it, i eventually let her do certain things, exploring my body (at 14... i seriously feel sick thinking about it since my little brother is 14 now, and he looks like a baby to me, i cannot even imagine what the fuck i went through...).
eventually i even let her do things like oral, but i promised myself i would NEVER do anything more, expecially since she was mentally unstable.
She kept begging to have sex with me, until one day i was in her room she got on top of me and said that we were having sex, no matter what.
She said that she couldnt wait more, and that she would seriously kill herself if i "rejected her" again, so i, under all that pressure, let her do it.
the details are fuzzy... i cant exactly tell you what happened, i just remember it was dark and i genuinely was shaking.
i ended up telling her "no,no i cant do it i cant" or something like that and made her get off me.
I seriously just... feel ill. EVEN now, 6 years after this happened i feel like... it never did, it doesnt feel real, how is it possible i went through that.

she ended up attempting suicide two weeks later. she failed but she blamed me for everything and eventually police got involved and i couldnt visit her because i was "potentially dangerous". her parents couldnt accept the fact she was a mess because of them so they blamed me for everything.
I recieved basically death threats from grown ass adults. at 14. after i got raped. and had my girlfriend try to kill herself.

I had no friends i was alone. I ended up making a music youtube channel and talking on discord as an alter ego, every day hoping i could get rid of my physical body and just be an online presence.
I barely existed irl, i was 24/7 online...

(im so shocked just talking about this...)

Body dismorphia i think developed seriously after that.
I am a grown adult now but i still feel like that scared child who got forced to do that.

And now i feel the desire to have sex and i hate that part of me so much. I hate it so much. I dont know why i am so focused on having sex when it literally ruined my life.
I seriously can't even understand it. I hate that part of me.
You have no idea how many times i searched for some kind of hormone therapy that would decrease or hopefully eliminate any sexual desire from me, and that makes me feel so fucking embarrassed of myself.
I hope i don't sound like a weirdo though... i have (or used to have, i dont talk much to them anymore) female friends with whom i have/had such a good friendship with, but obviously i'd never talk about this to them...

I think that is the main reason why i want to self harm there, and maybe why every time i do it i keep going closer.
I wish i could cut it so much that the pain would be stronger than the sexual desire...

I bet it's incredibly weird so you're actually free to judge me how you want, i wouldn't have texted all of this if i wasn't expecting to be judged.


I feel like i need to know others opinion on this since i am so fucking ashamed of it but at thr same time i think i would do the right thing...


Just reading everything i just, cant take this.
I wish somebody hugged me how i always hug others in need.
i wish somebody looked at me i wish someone were there for me. i wish i could talk about this to somebody else
(therapy was one of the most traumatizing events of my life, im not going there ever again)

in general, ignoring my story, do you think me wanting to sh there is normal?

 

[EvisceratedJester]

She kept begging to have sex with me, until one day i was in her room she got on top of me and said that we were having sex, no matter what.
She said that she couldnt wait more, and that she would seriously kill herself if i "rejected her" again, so i, under all that pressure, let her do it.

SHing around your genital area is common amongst those who've experienced SA. Your ex-girlfriend SAed you and I'm sorry you had to experience that. She also seems to have been psychologically abusive as well. When talking about SH in this case, your story cannot be ignored. It's clear that your trauma from that relationship is playing a role in your SH.

Nothing about what you've described is weird. A lot of it seems normal for those who've experienced sexual trauma, esepcially in childhood.

 

[PianoGoat]

SHing around your genital area is common amongst those who've experienced SA. Your ex-girlfriend SAed you and I'm sorry you had to experience that. She also seems to have been psychologically abusive as well. When talking about SH in this case, your story cannot be ignored. It's clear that your trauma from that relationship is playing a role in your SH.

Nothing about what you've described is weird. A lot of it seems normal for those who've experienced sexual trauma, esepcially in childhood.

Thanks for the reply, it makes me feel a bit better about myself :)
still i hate the fact i feel sexual desire, it seriously makes me want to die.
do you know of any medication or anything i can take to stop the desire?

 

[EvisceratedJester]

do you know of any medication or anything i can take to stop the desire?

The only thing I can think of that could potentially make it stop (or at the very least allow you to better manage this issue) is seeing a professional about it, which doesn't seem like much of an option for you due to your trauma surrounding it.

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

It's normal to feel this way after being raped, I have cut myself down there before (not bad, like scratches), because of it and I'm a woman.

Rape is never about sex, it's about power and control, nothing else. I'm so sorry this happened to you, it's an awful thing to go through. Have you tried to seek any sort of professional help to help you come to terms with it? You can request a male therapist, too.

Unfortunately both sexes are capable of rape. And men won't talk about their experiences with being raped by a woman, because they are afraid they will be mocked by other men. It needs to be talked about more - the more it's talked about, the more you guys will feel able to report these things.

No one is judging you, it isn't weird. It happens to men too. There's a lot of men that have experienced this too - in childhood and adulthood.

I hope you get the help and support you need and deserve, when you feel able to

 

[PianoGoat]

It's normal to feel this way after being raped, I have cut myself down there before (not bad, like scratches), because of it and I'm a woman.

Rape is never about sex, it's about power and control, nothing else. I'm so sorry this happened to you, it's an awful thing to go through. Have you tried to seek any sort of professional help to help you come to terms with it? You can request a male therapist, too.

Unfortunately both sexes are capable of rape. And men won't talk about their experiences with being raped by a woman, because they are afraid they will be mocked by other men. It needs to be talked about more - the more it's talked about, the more you guys will feel able to report these things.

No one is judging you, it isn't weird. It happens to men too. There's a lot of men that have experienced this too - in childhood and adulthood.

I hope you get the help and support you need and deserve, when you feel able to

i dont think any therapist would ever believe me, theyd just think im crazy and lock me up.
Ive tried therapy before and it was really traumatizing, i felt uncomfortable the whole time and just... never again. i hate it
i feel better talking about this to you...
Im honestly just so sad... just i have no energy for this shit anymore...
i seriously want to just dissapear from everyones lives.


The problem by the way, is that this happened 6 years ago... and i am still messed up by this. i still feel that same trauma right now. i just feel so sick.
i think anybody would agree that its better if i just were dead, nobody could ever love somebody who is this messed up and i dont plan on going to therapy. i mean the only answer to me seems to kill myself, and i will do it as soon as i can.

The only thing I can think of that could potentially make it stop (or at the very least allow you to better manage this issue) is seeing a professional about it, which doesn't seem like much of an option for you due to your trauma surrounding it.

I could try again but... not now i dont feel ready :(

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

i dont think any therapist would ever believe me, theyd just think im crazy and lock me up.
Ive tried therapy before and it was really traumatizing, i felt uncomfortable the whole time and just... never again. i hate it
i feel better talking about this to you...
Im honestly just so sad... just i have no energy for this shit anymore...
i seriously want to just dissapear from everyones lives.


The problem by the way, is that this happened 6 years ago... and i am still messed up by this. i still feel that same trauma right now. i just feel so sick.
i think anybody would agree that its better if i just were dead, nobody could ever love somebody who is this messed up and i dont plan on going to therapy. i mean the only answer to me seems to kill myself, and i will do it as soon as i can.

I could try again but... not now i dont feel ready :(

No they wouldn't. It happens a lot more than people think, it needs to be talked about more to make it less stigmatised in the male community.

It was only 6 years ago. I was abused when I was a baby and I'm 35 now, and it has stayed with me, and it will for the rest of my life. Unfortunately, that's what abuse does, especially sexual. I'm so sorry you have to endure this pain

I promise no-one thinks you're crazy. No therapist will either - they would've heard this before.

No one agrees you're better off dead, only you think that of yourself. I do understand this perception, I feel exactly the same about myself - that's what trauma does to you. It breaks you as person, and makes you feel like a worthless piece of shit (which you're not-I'm merely stating thoughts) - and so you perceive everyone around you the same and it isn't correct. It is merely a perception you have of yourself. Therapy can help combat these thoughts and feelings.

You can get better you know. I know right now you don't think you can, but you can. I've had some therapy and it helped me a great deal. It helped me come to terms with it better.

It won't ever go away, but it's about learning to manage better so it doesn't impact your life as much as right now, so it's less intense - I promise you, it can be achieved but it isn't easy. Therapy is hard, because it's hard to work through that trauma.

One day, you may be ready. Give it time though, 6 years is still very raw.

It's your choice to end your life, but why not look at other options first? Therapy, for example. At least then you can say you've exhausted all avenues. You are still very young, too. We change as we age.

Some tips on how to self regulate would be good for you - you can find these things online and that's what therapy is for. I did a lot of research in order to help myself, and I've had a fair amount of therapy, but I accept I need more.

Sadly, these things fuck us up, but it doesn't have to be forever, if you can find a way to work through it. It's ok to feel this way, it's normal. She violated you. You deserve to be treated with respect

All the best

 

[PianoGoat]

No they wouldn't. It happens a lot more than people think, it needs to be talked about more to make it less stigmatised in the male community.

It was only 6 years ago. I was abused when I was a baby and I'm 35 now, and it has stayed with me, and it will for the rest of my life. Unfortunately, that's what abuse does, especially sexual. I'm so sorry you have to endure this pain

I promise no-one thinks you're crazy. No therapist will either - they would've heard this before.

No one agrees you're better off dead, only you think that of yourself. I do understand this perception, I feel exactly the same about myself - that's what trauma does to you. It breaks you as person, and makes you feel like a worthless piece of shit (which you're not-I'm merely stating thoughts) - and so you perceive everyone around you the same and it isn't correct. It is merely a perception you have of yourself. Therapy can help combat these thoughts and feelings.

You can get better you know. I know right now you don't think you can, but you can. I've had some therapy and it helped me a great deal. It helped me come to terms with it better.

It won't ever go away, but it's about learning to manage better so it doesn't impact your life as much as right now, so it's less intense - I promise you, it can be achieved but it isn't easy. Therapy is hard, because it's hard to work through that trauma.

One day, you may be ready. Give it time though, 6 years is still very raw.

It's your choice to end your life, but why not look at other options first? Therapy, for example. At least then you can say you've exhausted all avenues. You are still very young, too. We change as we age.

Some tips on how to self regulate would be good for you - you can find these things online and that's what therapy is for. I did a lot of research in order to help myself, and I've had a fair amount of therapy, but I accept I need more.

Sadly, these things fuck us up, but it doesn't have to be forever, if you can find a way to work through it. It's ok to feel this way, it's normal. She violated you. You deserve to be treated with respect

All the best

Only thing i can really say is that i hope this will end someday.
im just way too tired for anything anymore