Venting Mental torture. All my fault.

[butimbleeding]

Every night my mind reminds me that I've messed up everything in my life. Dropped out of school, lost multiple jobs whether from getting let go or quitting for stupid reasons that I later regret. Lost friends during manic and depressive episodes. Been at fault for all of my relationships ending, never able to sustain one long-term or experience romantic love.

Don't have a real excuse. Can't recall any life-altering childhood trauma. My parents did their best. I've dealt with mental illness and addiction but it's become clear to me that I can't use that as an excuse. Seeing success stories of people who have overcome it and excel in life make me hate myself even more and wonder why I can't do the same.

I blame myself for it all. I can look back at all my mistakes and see exactly where I went wrong. But then I'll go and make an even dumber mistake. It's hard to function. It seems impossible that I'll be able to move out of my parents house as a damn adult.

No excuse, all my fault. I want to CTB so badly because I can't trust myself to ever make good, adult decisions. I can't see myself ever not fucking up. I'm just exhausted from all my failures and the depression that comes with it.

Ive been told to "not be so negative." Maybe venting on this forum instead of saying it out loud will help me not bring down others IRL. But I think ceasing to exist will be the best way to not bring down others.

 

[Aglossa]

No matter the circumstances, the pain you feel is real and I am sorry to hear you feel this way. That you worry so much about bringing others down tells me you are likely a very considerate person. Wishing you the best

 

[lebrodude]

I totally get where you are coming from.
From my teenage years I bombarded my ears with high volumes. Learning guitar on headphones, listening to music with headphones, loud concerts, loud bars, loud pubs. Loud loud loud.

Now I have constant tinnitus.

Didn't know what tinnitus was. No one ever told me about it until it became a permanent unwelcome visitor in my life. If I knew maybe things would have been different.

It's hard not to beat yourself up over past mistakes.

 

[butimbleeding]

No matter the circumstances, the pain you feel is real and I am sorry to hear you feel this way. That you worry so much about bringing others down tells me you are likely a very considerate person. Wishing you the best

thank you for your kind words, I needed that tonight it's hard for me to believe my pain is valid even though others have endured worse circumstances