hey, so this is more for me to sort my thoughts and get through the days.
backstory:
i hate this life. over the past few weeks i came to the conclusion that i really don´t want to live anymore. it´s not worth it. everything just gets worse and worse and even if someday i would be able to be happy again, i´m not willing to endure the mental pain anymore.
my depression started when i was 12 and then never left. i never had a time period longer than a day since then where i felt normal. at 14 i developed an eating disorder and at 21 i got a borderline diagnosis. these disorders changed my entire path of live. i needed to end school early and that also ment that i couldn´t study. people in their late teens/early tweenties are supposed to make friends and life life to the fullest. but my disorders preventet me from making any friends. if i had been able to finish school and go to university, maybe i would met some people my age who i liked, but since that was not possible, i ended up where i am now. i haven´t felt any joy in the past 5 years. it´s so tiring. i´m so fucking lonely, i can´t even describe it adaquatly. now i´m 23 and on disabilty pension (there is not really a translation to english from german but for the germans it´s "erwerbsminderungsrente"). even if i met people today, i couldn´t relate to them in the slightest. and lets be fucking honest, nobody wants to meet someone who has no friends and is extremly mentally ill. i just hate it here and i think i have more than enough reason to end all this.
today:
i thought a lot about my life in the past few weeks. the last years i spend by waking up in the morning and waiting to go to sleep. of course i had therapy and stuff, but nothing had any impact on my life quality. so i came to the conclusion that i don´t want to do this anymore. i think, its my right to ctb. i really tried a lot of different clinics, programs, therapys, meds etc. i really really tried and gave everything my best. but now i´m done. i´m tired and i can´t do this anymore. i had a multiple attempts in my past. but this attempt should be the final one. i talked to my social worker about my suicidality and, even though she´s not supporting it, she respects that wish. today i had an appointment with my psychiatrist and my social worker basically told her, how i was feeling the last couple of weeks. my psychiatrist asked me a couple of questions and i told her my decision. she said that she would like to talk to my therapist and me other social worker first or before i do anything. i was fine with that and my next appoinment is in 2 weeks. i already have sn and meto at home and i´m not under pressure to do it today or tomorrow.
later that day i had an appoinment with my therapist and it went really badly. first i didn´t really wanted to say anything because i was in a extremly depressed mood, filled with sadness and hopelessness. but the we talked about my suicidality and it went downhill fast. when the therapy began i had to sign that i wouldn´t try to ctb and if i would attempt and survive, she would end the therapy. so i know she is very strict. i knew, that either i will tell her know about my feelings, or my psychiatrist will tell her. so i told her how i was feeling and that i had no hope left. i told her that i didn´t have the stuff to do it at home (but i do) and promised her that when i ordered the sn i would tell her. i´m pretty sure that she wouldn´t have let me leave if i didn´t lie to her in that moment. she was on the brink of calling an ambulante but i really don´t want to go to the psych ward right know. it wouldn´t change anything either. she said, that the foundation of the therapy is honesty and if i´m not honest, she would end the therapy. i don´t know what to do.
i see my therapist 3 times a week, so my next appointment is on wednesday. i don´t know how to act or what to say. clearly i CANNOT be honest with her.
this day and the past few weeks just been so shitty and i hate it here. i wish i didn´t have to come to the conclusion to ctb. it´s not a nice decision. but it´s the only option to stop this pain. i really can´t take it anymore.
backstory:
i hate this life. over the past few weeks i came to the conclusion that i really don´t want to live anymore. it´s not worth it. everything just gets worse and worse and even if someday i would be able to be happy again, i´m not willing to endure the mental pain anymore.
my depression started when i was 12 and then never left. i never had a time period longer than a day since then where i felt normal. at 14 i developed an eating disorder and at 21 i got a borderline diagnosis. these disorders changed my entire path of live. i needed to end school early and that also ment that i couldn´t study. people in their late teens/early tweenties are supposed to make friends and life life to the fullest. but my disorders preventet me from making any friends. if i had been able to finish school and go to university, maybe i would met some people my age who i liked, but since that was not possible, i ended up where i am now. i haven´t felt any joy in the past 5 years. it´s so tiring. i´m so fucking lonely, i can´t even describe it adaquatly. now i´m 23 and on disabilty pension (there is not really a translation to english from german but for the germans it´s "erwerbsminderungsrente"). even if i met people today, i couldn´t relate to them in the slightest. and lets be fucking honest, nobody wants to meet someone who has no friends and is extremly mentally ill. i just hate it here and i think i have more than enough reason to end all this.
today:
i thought a lot about my life in the past few weeks. the last years i spend by waking up in the morning and waiting to go to sleep. of course i had therapy and stuff, but nothing had any impact on my life quality. so i came to the conclusion that i don´t want to do this anymore. i think, its my right to ctb. i really tried a lot of different clinics, programs, therapys, meds etc. i really really tried and gave everything my best. but now i´m done. i´m tired and i can´t do this anymore. i had a multiple attempts in my past. but this attempt should be the final one. i talked to my social worker about my suicidality and, even though she´s not supporting it, she respects that wish. today i had an appointment with my psychiatrist and my social worker basically told her, how i was feeling the last couple of weeks. my psychiatrist asked me a couple of questions and i told her my decision. she said that she would like to talk to my therapist and me other social worker first or before i do anything. i was fine with that and my next appoinment is in 2 weeks. i already have sn and meto at home and i´m not under pressure to do it today or tomorrow.
later that day i had an appoinment with my therapist and it went really badly. first i didn´t really wanted to say anything because i was in a extremly depressed mood, filled with sadness and hopelessness. but the we talked about my suicidality and it went downhill fast. when the therapy began i had to sign that i wouldn´t try to ctb and if i would attempt and survive, she would end the therapy. so i know she is very strict. i knew, that either i will tell her know about my feelings, or my psychiatrist will tell her. so i told her how i was feeling and that i had no hope left. i told her that i didn´t have the stuff to do it at home (but i do) and promised her that when i ordered the sn i would tell her. i´m pretty sure that she wouldn´t have let me leave if i didn´t lie to her in that moment. she was on the brink of calling an ambulante but i really don´t want to go to the psych ward right know. it wouldn´t change anything either. she said, that the foundation of the therapy is honesty and if i´m not honest, she would end the therapy. i don´t know what to do.
i see my therapist 3 times a week, so my next appointment is on wednesday. i don´t know how to act or what to say. clearly i CANNOT be honest with her.
this day and the past few weeks just been so shitty and i hate it here. i wish i didn´t have to come to the conclusion to ctb. it´s not a nice decision. but it´s the only option to stop this pain. i really can´t take it anymore.
