Mindless rants.

[Liammm]

I don't want alot of things. But that doesn't matter. All that matters are my titles. Son, husband, and at the crux, Christian.

The day I decided to put my soul, my feelings my thoughts on the altar and sacrifice them for God and my marriage, I have been naught but a husk. It's as if I breathe with no heart, act with no thought. All and every action is motivated by the fear of hell. And recently I've seen vitriolic hatred stirring within.

I don't feel ready for a kid. That doesn't matter, as my wife desperately wants one.
I dont want to have sex. That also doesn't matter because it is my biblical and husband duties.
Cutting is defiling the temple of God. Killing myself is not persevering until the end.
Being left leaning is bad, so irregardless of my feelings I will be right leaning.
Entertaining any kind of freedom of action is encouraging sin potentially, so I must not.

I lost my chance. I could have died already last week. There was a medical accident where I could have died. I was ok with dying. I was at peace. And I saw my wifes face. God gave me a choice. And I said I would struggle to survive for her. I wish I didn't.


In what I thought were my last moments, I shed a few tears, and I thought of one person. My friend. I'll never see them again. I cant, as that would be disrespectful to the wishes of my wife.

All that I do is for everyone but me. My body isn't mine, its the slut of everyone else's, not mine to choose what I want to do with. I can't even kill myself.

I can't listen to my favorite songs, can't listen to the same funny shows, can't be friends with my closeset friends.

Following God is suffering. But it's either suffer or go to hell so, wht can you do.

I'm not allowed to curse. I'm not allowed my own thoughts nor body. I'm not even technically allowed this short time I'm taking from work to home. I would want nothing more than to lay in the rain and stay here and sleep forever. But life sucks, and some of us were made to suffer. We are born, suffer, and then die. I just pray my time comes soon. Though I know I don't have the position to ask God of anything.

 

[Liammm]

Everytime I hear conversation about suicide its always the same bull. "It will get better!" "Think about your family!" It infuriates me that all these people think life is a fair thing that it is a fairy tail when no, some of us are born, suffer, and die and no one acknowledges that. It's infuriating, it's asinine! Don't tell me it gets better because it doesn't. It hasn't and it wont.

This religion wants me to play my part in the play with the role I was given, irregardless of how painful it is and then die of old age or some terrible method as long as it wasn't by my hand. The amount of hatred I feel in my bones, the vitriol. Is this not disgusting? Is that not crazy to anyone else to me??? I have to live through the suffering that arguably gets worse because reasons????? Everyone gets to live life how they want but the things I want are too insane, and so I must blend in with the crowd until death, but when I try to make that come sooner I'm insane ir unwell.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

i ask not just religious ones, but any pro-living or anyone . why do i have to live another minute? i haven't gotten an answer. i've asked it on here. no answer. because there isn't any. life is meaningless suffering. nothing matters except avoiding pain and suffering .

i won't accept any reason anyway. i will never surrender in my goal to kill myself asap .

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I don't feel ready for a kid. That doesn't matter, as my wife desperately wants one.
I dont want to have sex. That also doesn't matter because it is my biblical and husband duties.
Cutting is defiling the temple of God. Killing myself is not persevering until the end.
Being left leaning is bad, so irregardless of my feelings I will be right leaning.
Entertaining any kind of freedom of action is encouraging sin potentially, so I must not.

If you don't feel ready for a kid then you shouldn't have one. Putting aside my feelings about procreation in general, if you do plan on having kids then you shouldn't be having a kid unless you feel ready for them and you definitely shouldn't be having them while also suicidal. Your wife wanting them doesn't matter if you aren't ready for them. It's not about your wife at the end of the day, it's about said potential child and their well-being.

You also don't have to have sex if you don't want to. That isn't your duty as a husband. You have sex when you feel like it, don't force yourself into doing it just because some book that was written thousands of years ago and has probably been altered and shit tells you to.


There are also plenty of Christians who are left-leaning. Funnily enough, a lot of right-leaning views also go against the teachings of Christ. It's to a point where people even joke that many right-wingers would probably not like Jesus Christ if he were around today, due to many of his values going against their beliefs. Being left-leaning isn't bad at all.

If religion is causing you to suffer and is stifling then why bother with it? If these beliefs aren't helping you and are actively making you feel pressured into doing things that make you uncomfortable, then why don't you just not follow them? Why not just try thinking for yourself instead? What's the point of following something if it only leads to suffering?

Maybe it's because I'm an atheist, but I just don't get the point of putting up with this crap, especially when there is no solid evidence of any of the stuff behind it even being real. It's like you are putting yourself through so much for the sake of a God that may or may not exist just because some mess of a book said you have to.

 

[Liammm]

For once, the words don't come to me. I'm not even angry or upset anymore. I just want to lie down and sleep. All that ive said for the past year and more is just... whatever. is it weird that i don't care to make suicide notes? There is only one person that i wojld want to leave a note for. she was a real friend. ugh, I'm rambling again.