Mixed feelings

[Roberto]

Hi,
It has passed several months. My mother started to want to talk with me, 5 months ago, but I can't speak with her by telephone. I can only write.
These last year my desire of CTB was from low to nothing. I've been studying (i'm 45) a job the last year. Just to make anything and to say people : it's not that I don't want to work. It's because I can't. I know the results. I can't bear another failure. I can't handle another criticism about how I'm doing things.

I'm destroyed. I can't wake up from the floor. I just want to be alone.

These last months I was doing things to say to my psychologist & social assistant : It's not that I don't want to work and don't make anything.

The state gives me enough money just to survive (almost). I have to ask for money If I want to pay anything, or if I have to pay taxes. It is not very ... stressful. That is why I can handle my mind and not desiring to CTB. Stress is a fundamental ingredient to want to ctb in my case. I'm having mixed feelings : not living (not social contact apart from students in the school), not dying (I have enough pleasure & lack of pain). But ... I think I have a problem with alcohol. I've been drinking wine 1 litre a day for more than a year. I told my psychologist twice or so, but she didn't say much about it.

I hate summer. It is so hot. I sleep in the floor sometimes.

Thanks for reading

 

[Deleted member 18655]

Funny. I sleep on the floor most nights. Winter or summer

"Limbo" is a dirty word for me. It's a dangerous place for me that I can't handle. I understand

 

[Roberto]

Funny. I sleep on the floor most nights. Winter or summer

"Limbo" is a dirty word for me. It's a dangerous place for me that I can't handle. I understand

True. I wouldn't like to go there. I'll change that word. It would be a nightmare. But fortunately it seems that there is no such place. Science says so, and I feel the same.

 

[Deleted member 18655]

True. I wouldn't like to go there. I'll change that word. It would be a nightmare. But fortunately it seems that there is no such place. Science says so, and I feel the same.

It's a good word and a very real place!

 

[Emily_Numb]

As an alcoholic I can tell you now that a litre of wine every day is without a doubt impacting every other aspect of your life! You need to find a therapist or get to a group meeting where the people around you will take this seriously and support you. For your psychologist to brush off that sort of quantity of alcohol is very disturbing.

Even after a week of no alcohol you will begin to feel better. If the thought of lasting a week without alcohol seems impossible, it's a alcohol problem.

I was sober for 3 years until last September and I started drinking again. I've been off and on since then and it's a real battle. I wish I had never taken that drink in September. I've been sober for almost a week and things are improving. I'm aiming for a month and will hopefully keep going. Stay strong. Alcohol is fucking evil stuff.

 

[so tired or manic]

if it's a liter of wine on the regular I would go as far to say detoxing inpatient would be a good idea if you're up for it, especially if it's constant enough and you don't know how your body is without.