hikikomorizombie
Ouch
- Jan 15, 2024
- 770
i'm surrounded by suffering. for the 10th year, i've just finished chauffeuring my belligerently drunk mom around. for the 10th year, i am her therapist listening to her slur about her pain and misfortune, which she's somewhat justified for, to be fair. for the 10th year, i'm tucking her into bed and tending to her injuries and asking her if there's anything she needs, is there anything i can do. my mom's been through a lot of shit, but i'm sosososososososososo tired of being her crutch. i've held her on the floor while she drunkenly sobs into my arms. i've brought her bags to puke into. i've changed her out of uncomfy clubbing clothes & soiled clothes. i've tried screaming at her abt how her drinking's affected me from growing up-now, & talking to her abt it calmly, & neither did anything. i make her food & make sure she's hydrated. i take her keys from her so she can't drive or i drive her, even if it's the middle of the night & she woke me up just for that. i tuck her into bed and wipe the alcohol sheen from her face. whenever i'm doing bad, i'm simply left alone to keep rotting. i am surrounded by so much pain. mine, my mom's, the general pain that perpetually oozes from every corner of the world. it has roots throughout my whole family, both sides. she's my best friend, my sister, & lastly my mother. if she can even qualify. i have no one but her, i'm walled in by trauma & misery. even when she's doing good ik it's only a matter of time before she isn't, & the cycle will repeat again. i've tried communicating w her abt how i can barely take care of myself & my sanity, & that constantly having to deal w this behavior makes it worse, so please don't come to me drunkenly slurring anymore. ofc, it doesn't work. she only really has me too, i guess. despite everything we've been through, ik that she is the only person i've ever truly, deeply, unconditionally loved. no matter what & no matter how justified i would've been for doing so, i'm never able to really put space between us & distance myself from her. i wish i could help her, but i don't really think that she can be helped. if i'm already past the point of return/salvation, she most def is. i don't think she'd actually kill herself w me like she said we one day could though. she has too much to live for. our family tree's roots are poisoned, & it just infects every single 1 of us. neither of us really had a chance, did we? i'm a shitty, fucked up daughter who comes from a shitty, fucked up parent who comes from shitty, fucked up parents, & so on & so forth. i'm sorry, mama. i'm sorry we're both so fucked. that everything is. hopefully you'll be reading this 1 day, along w everything else i've left for u. my purpose in life is to die, but that isn't yours. ik you'll be able to keep living & eventually move on. both of us are pretty crappy at loving people, but i reallyreally do love you. i pinky promise.
