Venting Mother said she doesn’t consider me family

[struggles_inc]

My mother has a way with words. She might not mean it, but it's said.

"I don't really consider you my family. You're just someone distant."

It didn't hurt exactly. It's like I'm looking at a crack that a blow left in my armour. My body is safe, but the blow didn't miss.

There were words like these. She pretends to not remember, but I do.

"All your achievements are only there because I paid someone."

I promised myself to never feel suicidal again. My hand betrays me, craving some bloody old selfharm. But I'm holding on for now.

 

[SchizoGymnast]

Are you sure she didn't mean it? The first one I could understand. She may be trying to say she doesn't know who you are anymore. The second? Nah, that's intentional. Don't let her win. Stay strong out of spite.

 

[struggles_inc]

Are you sure she didn't mean it? The first one I could understand. She may be trying to say she doesn't know who you are anymore. The second? Nah, that's intentional. Don't let her win. Stay strong out of spite.

She says stuff to hurt me during conflict. That's just how it works for her. She would pour it all out in person or over the phone — never in text to not remember later — and then go on with her day and "forgive" me eventually.

I'm not really spiteful or angry towards her. I'm used to it. But words like that tend to stick.

 

[SchizoGymnast]

She says stuff to hurt me during conflict. That's just how it works for her. She would pour it all out in person or over the phone — never in text to not remember later — and then go on with her day and "forgive" me eventually.

I'm not really spiteful or angry towards her. I'm used to it. But words like that tend to stick.

Honestly my mom is kind of the same way. It took years of gentle boundary setting and calling her out to start to fix that.

 

[struggles_inc]

Honestly my mom is kind of the same way. It took years of gentle boundary setting and calling her out to start to fix that.

How did you do that? Her comment about not considering me family came after I asked her to stop commenting on my appearance. She just refuses to give up this control she thinks she has.

 

[SchizoGymnast]

How did you do that? Her comment about not considering me family came after I asked her to stop commenting on my appearance. She just refuses to give up this control she thinks she has.

I'll be honest with you, it took years. But I asked her, "Would you allow me to do this to you?" Sometimes it's as simple as, "I've had enough." And then leaving/hanging up when that doesn't work and she gets "rowdy." Over time, I gained the ability to have deeper conversations, like "I know you're my mom and you're trying to do x, but..." It's a lot of trial and error. And here's a BIG caveat. It was only possible after I moved out of her house. It won't work if you're still living with her.

 

[whywere]

My heart aches for you, as I had the same type of situation growing up and I know the sting.

HOWEVER, you are a beautiful person with grace and intelligence, and you WILL show your mother just how wrong she is.

NOT ever being snotty, it is NOT in my DNA, however, I got kicked out at 18 and I have done EXTREMELY much better than my sister or brother who were given whatever they wanted growing up.

You will do really great things; I believe it so much and hugs and well wishes to you.

You WILL show your mom, that she was wrong.

Walter

 

[struggles_inc]

I'll be honest with you, it took years. But I asked her, "Would you allow me to do this to you?" Sometimes it's as simple as, "I've had enough." And then leaving/hanging up when that doesn't work and she gets "rowdy." Over time, I gained the ability to have deeper conversations, like "I know you're my mom and you're trying to do x, but..." It's a lot of trial and error. And here's a BIG caveat. It was only possible after I moved out of her house. It won't work if you're still living with her.

Yeah, I moved out. But things like this still happen, especially when we meet for vacation or just talk too long over the phone. I remember trying to talk to her about that "achievements" thing. Months later. She just responded that she never said it. Later that I misunderstood.
Getting criticised isn't her strong point.

My heart aches for you, as I had the same type of situation growing up and I know the sting.

HOWEVER, you are a beautiful person with grace and intelligence, and you WILL show your mother just how wrong she is.

NOT ever being snotty, it is NOT in my DNA, however, I got kicked out at 18 and I have done EXTREMELY much better than my sister or brother who were given whatever they wanted growing up.

You will do really great things; I believe it so much and hugs and well wishes to you.

You WILL show your mom, that she was wrong.

Walter

Thank you very much for your kind words. I don't really intend to prove anything to her… I know what I am. However, I am grieving a relationship I didn't get to have with her.