bandoscii
Member
- Jun 29, 2024
- 35
I have been struggling being open to my friends for months now and I don't think it's gonna get any better honestly. It hurts to see that I feel the same way about my relationships with people and that I didn't change at all... I still base my whole worth on how my friends see me and interact with me. I still want people to ask the occasional "hey, how are u?" and when they don't I think they just don't value me. And maybe they really don't. I don't know.
I assume that other people also should be very in-tune with my emotions, because I'm always trying to figure out if they are feeling down, reassure them and show that I value them. And when others don't do the same for me, I think "wow, they don't care about me at all". I know that others aren't me. I know that they won't know that I need this if I don't say so. But it still hurt so I started to withdraw. Then I pulled in (started to talk more again) because I wanted to talk, then pulled out again because I continued felt undervalued and unloved. Then pulled in, pulled out again in hopes someone notices and reassures me, instead of just communicating my worries. Rinse and repeat.
I know that I should just be vulnerable. Voice my concerns. Voice what I've felt. But I feel like no one cares. No one will care. I will just create unnecessary drama. But I want to vulnerable so badly. I want someone to reassure me that my insecurities are baseless. That my friends don't hate me, that I'm not weird, that they do care for me, that they don't want to leave me because I'm boring. But every time I even try to voice this to someone I feel like I'm being so incredibly clingy to that friend. And no one likes clingy people. I will annoy my friends even more, I will bore them even more if I say anything of that aloud. So, because I'm afraid that my clinginess will repulse them I withdraw to not appear clingy. But because I'm not vulnerable I don't feel that we're friends anymore because we hardly talk. We hardly talk because I feel hurt, afraid of saying that I feel hurt, afraid of appearing needy and consequently not being friends anymore. In the end I just create even more distance between us that makes me feel worse.
It really feels like a fucking closed circle and I honestly don't know what to do anymore.
I assume that other people also should be very in-tune with my emotions, because I'm always trying to figure out if they are feeling down, reassure them and show that I value them. And when others don't do the same for me, I think "wow, they don't care about me at all". I know that others aren't me. I know that they won't know that I need this if I don't say so. But it still hurt so I started to withdraw. Then I pulled in (started to talk more again) because I wanted to talk, then pulled out again because I continued felt undervalued and unloved. Then pulled in, pulled out again in hopes someone notices and reassures me, instead of just communicating my worries. Rinse and repeat.
I know that I should just be vulnerable. Voice my concerns. Voice what I've felt. But I feel like no one cares. No one will care. I will just create unnecessary drama. But I want to vulnerable so badly. I want someone to reassure me that my insecurities are baseless. That my friends don't hate me, that I'm not weird, that they do care for me, that they don't want to leave me because I'm boring. But every time I even try to voice this to someone I feel like I'm being so incredibly clingy to that friend. And no one likes clingy people. I will annoy my friends even more, I will bore them even more if I say anything of that aloud. So, because I'm afraid that my clinginess will repulse them I withdraw to not appear clingy. But because I'm not vulnerable I don't feel that we're friends anymore because we hardly talk. We hardly talk because I feel hurt, afraid of saying that I feel hurt, afraid of appearing needy and consequently not being friends anymore. In the end I just create even more distance between us that makes me feel worse.
It really feels like a fucking closed circle and I honestly don't know what to do anymore.
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