Story My conversation with the suicide hotline last night surprised me.

[Anxieyote]

I went to an office Christmas party last night, and was struck with a sense of hopelessness afterwards. As someone on the spectrum, I don't blend socially, and I had to rely on others to carry conversations. It can feel defeating for someone like me who craves deeper social connections, but finds themselves unable to obtain them and establish true friendships.

I was matched with someone named Kim on the hotline, and I told them why I was sad.

"Do you have a hobby or interest you could share with them?" she said. "It sounds like part of your problem is not feeling like you have anything to add to the conversation; and that would be a good place to start."

I kept things vague, but I told her that I do volunteer work for an online community that discusses suicide. I told her that I would like to talk to others about what I do, but that I fear social stigmatization for the beliefs and conclusions I have arrived at; specifically, that people should be allowed to die peacefully at the time of their choosing.

"That is certainly a controversial topic. But have you ever tried bringing it up? I think you would be surprised to find that some people might be interested in what you have to say about it."

I was a bit shocked at this reply. It's true; I don't talk to anyone in real life about SaSu. There are very legitimate reasons why I don't—getting involuntarily hospitalized, or being seen as weirder than I already am by my colleagues. But it's undeniable that this is my main subject of interest, and what I have devoted my life to. I really could talk for hours about the stories I have seen on here, and the experiences I have had.

It is undoubtedly the biggest tool in my conversational arsenal, and one that could be mined and cultivated for the purpose of being seen as an interesting and unique person—provided that one had an open mind to these subjects.

Do you think I would be walking into a trap if I was more transparent about what I do and talk about online? The hotline representative seemed to imply that it might not be a bad idea. I'm also really tired of lying to everyone about what I do in my spare time.

 

[tary]

Not necessarily, but I'd be ready for the conversation to turn into an argument about the ethics of suicide and it's prevention, if you decide to mention your own (actual) views on the topic.
You could frame yourself as a neutral moderator of the conversations here, and then tell your stories and talk about people's different views on suicide and things.

 

[rationaltake]

I think you could talk to people about it. Probably in the same vague terms you mention in your post. At least to start with. I guess a lot of people would imagine it's The Samaritans or something similar.

You might not want to go into your own struggles to start with.

 

[Dizzylady80]

I think it's a good idea! I'd be a tad vague about the specifics like what website it is, but I think people might respond positively to it. Also what a good experience with the hotline lol they're not always on point like that

 

[rationaltake]

I've found your posts here to be very interesting. I like the way you deal with your issues.

Once you get to know like-minded people you can open up a bit more. I think honesty is the only way to really connect with people but you don't have to go into everything right at the beginning. It's a gradual process.

I hope you do make some friends. It would be a privilege to be your friend.

 

[looseye]

Based on your impressions so far, how similar are your colleagues to yourself? Are they carefree and energetic or do they sometimes seem weak and depressed? As much as mental health discourse is being shoved down everybody's throat these days, suicide is still a subject that can completely destroy your reputation if you open up to the "wrong" kinds of people. Perhaps it would be a good idea to start off by vaguely disclosing that you "support depressed people" or something like that and asses the reactions before mentioning anything about suicide. Hope it works out :)

 

[TAW122]

That is good to hear that the hotline operator did not try to shut you down or try to force intervention against you. As for speaking outside with others, there is always that risk yes, and personally, I don't do so IRL because that would only make things more difficult plus having additional busybodies getting involved in my life only makes it worse for me. I would not feel anymore at peace, but more stressed and tormented having someone scrutinize every move I make.

 

[Anxieyote]

That is good to hear that the hotline operator did not try to shut you down or try to force intervention against you. As for speaking outside with others, there is always that risk yes, and personally, I don't do so IRL because that would only make things more difficult plus having additional busybodies getting involved in my life only makes it worse for me. I would not feel anymore at peace, but more stressed and tormented having someone scrutinize every move I make.

It also increases the risk of us being hospitalized if people around us know how much and how often we think about death. All of sudden, not replying to a text or phone call takes on a chilling connotation. "Maybe I did or said something to upset them, and they're going to hurt themselves."

I know that reaction from personal experience after my stays at the ward, and how my family goes on red alert when I take longer than a day to respond to them. So in a cruel twist, a wider circle of friends becomes a liability for a suicidal person. More people to notice if you are acting strangely, and a higher likelihood of receiving unwanted intervention.

Based on your impressions so far, how similar are your colleagues to yourself? Are they carefree and energetic or do they sometimes seem weak and depressed? As much as mental health discourse is being shoved down everybody's throat these days, suicide is still a subject that can completely destroy your reputation if you open up to the "wrong" kinds of people. Perhaps it would be a good idea to start off by vaguely disclosing that you "support depressed people" or something like that and asses the reactions before mentioning anything about suicide. Hope it works out :)

They always try to convey a carefree and energetic attitude, but they're coping. One has a vape addiction, another is an alcoholic. Occasionally they use dark humor, and phrases like "I wanna kms" and stuff like that. I think one of them has been to a psychiatric ward once too, but they didn't want to talk about it when I brought it up. It's hard to say, but they are clique-ish so I suspect I may be pushed even further outside of the in-group if I broach subjects that are deemed too dark. Most people actively try to avoid what scares them or makes them uncomfortable; so I may need to put out conversational probes, like you mentioned. Or start off easy with softball subjects like depression and then move forward if they seem open to talking about that.

I've found your posts here to be very interesting. I like the way you deal with your issues.

Once you get to know like-minded people you can open up a bit more. I think honesty is the only way to really connect with people but you don't have to go into everything right at the beginning. It's a gradual process.

I hope you do make some friends. It would be a privilege to be your friend.

And thank you so much for saying that, it makes me tear up. One of my favorite things about myself is my gentleness with people; which I think is rare to find. It doesn't always serve me well in life, but I think people feel safe around me, and I find joy in having that kind of affect. If I do find a good friend, I think they will appreciate that.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Honestly, I don't really know. I think work colleagues (in my experience,) can be pretty nosey! Especially around taboo subjects. I'm not quite sure how you would talk to them but still keep things vague.

Intially, by saying you do voluntary work with people talking about suicide online- I imagine many people will think of some sort of support or councelling- ie suicide prevention... I just don't know how people would react if you then said it was more 'pro choice' than that. Still- the hotline lady sounded suprisingly open about it.

Perhaps I'm just being stupid here- I do tend to catastrophize. Still, what if they start asking things like- How did you find out about the job? What made you want to do it? So- have you ever messaged with someone who was about to go through with it? Did you try to stop them? Is it really sad to read tragic stories? Do you ever want to help them?

With people you have to see regularly- I would definitely start smaller and less personal- assisted suicide in general for example. If they seem pro-choice and comfortable talking about such issues, I'd consider going further.

Still, personally, I'd find it hard to reveal I was involved with such an organisation without also revealing I was suicidal myself. I think it can be a relief to tell people and I do understand the desire to do so. I just think you have to be careful about who you tell. Not so much that they'll get you involuntarily commited but more that they likely will see you slightly differently. That could be a good thing but it might also make it feel more akward between you. I wish you all the best though- whatever you decide.