Story My current plan: All or nothing

[Capsaicin78]

So here I am.
Sitting at the beach, looking at the ocean, weather is warm and satisfying.
Couldn't be better right?
Wrong.
The pain of treatment resistant depression is still unbearable and I just want to fucking end it. The last time I attempted I chickened out because of SI. This time it will be different. I'll get some Xanax to sedate myself so the SI won't come out.

I'll give myself one more chance at life and try out psychedelics. If it doesn't work I'm gonna end it 100% this time.

I'll also try and post everyday from now on and journal my story.

You guys are one of the few things I have left, so please help me to get through those last days.

 

[Snatsbats]

Good luck bud! What kind of psychedelics are you going to use?
Ive tried microdosing LSD. And it can really alter your mood.

 

[ewigeruhe]

I hope you find peace whatever you do.

 

[Smart No More]

Good luck bud! What kind of psychedelics are you going to use?
Ive tried microdosing LSD. And it can really alter your mood.

I'd love to hear more about that if you're inclined to talk about it. My DM's are open if you prefer to talk in private. No pressure though. : )

 

[Capsaicin78]

Good luck bud! What kind of psychedelics are you going to use?
Ive tried microdosing LSD. And it can really alter your mood.

I'll try out psylocibin first. But probably will test every single one. Antidepressants unfortunately don't help with my suicidal thoughts.

 

[Smart No More]

I'll try out psylocibin first. But probably will test every single one. Antidepressants unfortunately don't help with my suicidal thoughts.

There's apparently some good potential in ketamine but I'm not sure what the ratio they use in the infusions is. It's apparently different to the recreational ketamine. I'm sure there must be a way to find out. Nearly all the accounts I've found of treatment resistant patients had profound success with ketamine infusions. They say it's something to do with disassociation and the benefits come after the 'trip' rather than during it. It's something I'd really like to try in hopes of a kind of master reset of my system.

 

[FuneralCry]

Life really is so cruel and I'm sorry that you suffer so much. None of us should have to endure all this pain in our lives. I hope that in whatever you do, you find relief from what you are going through.

 

[Smart No More]

Go easy with the psychedelics whichever you choose. Like lowest dose you can realistically go with. It's something you should avoid doing alone if you can. Although it can make social anxiety quite bad it's better to have a friend that can watch out for you. It can be very overwhelming to say the least. LSD is a long trip and it can feel like you'll never be the same again. I mean, I get that's kind of what you're going for but I'm saying it in a different context. It can be really quite scary. It feels like you experience weeks in one night/day. Having some benzos to hand could really save you from the worst of those moments. They're like the emergency exit for trips generally speaking. Mushrooms/psylocibin are a shorter, more visual experience. Not very tasty though lol. You can make a tea with them if you prefer not eat them. Expect a bit of tummy trouble either way. A lot of people vomit at least once but then feel better.

 

[Arvinneedstodie]

I'm in a similar situation right now. I'm going to try ketamine treatment for the first time. If it works well then I'll stick around longer and go one step at a time. If it doesn't work then its a huge waste of money and I'm not sticking around to pay back the debt.

 

[Smart No More]

I'm in a similar situation right now. I'm going to try ketamine treatment for the first time. If it works well then I'll stick around longer and go one step at a time. If it doesn't work then its a huge waste of money and I'm not sticking around to pay back the debt.

Are you in the US? I read its somewhere in the region of $500 per session so can see why you're apprehensive. You'll no doubt know much more about it than me. Seems some only do one session and they're good for a long while. Some forever apparently. Others do 6 sessions over a period of time. Then there's the occasional 'booster' session for some.

I'd really love to know what's different about the infusions used in therapy. Can't help wondering if they say that just to avoid people going down the DIY route. If you're able to shed any light on that it would be massively appreciated.

Best of luck (for want of a better word) with the treatment. I'm excited and hopeful for you. I read such promising things. I get your objective view to it though. I would be the same.

 

[Arvinneedstodie]

Are you in the US? I read its somewhere in the region of $500 per session so can see why you're apprehensive. You'll no doubt know much more about it than me. Seems some only do one session and they're good for a long while. Some forever apparently. Others do 6 sessions over a period of time. Then there's the occasional 'booster' session for some.

I'd really love to know what's different about the infusions used in therapy. Can't help wondering if they say that just to avoid people going down the DIY route. If you're able to shed any light on that it would be massively appreciated.

Best of luck (for want of a better word) with the treatment. I'm excited and hopeful for you. I read such promising things. I get your objective view to it though. I would be the same.

I do live in the US. $500 per sessions sounds like the average I'm getting as well, and there's the initial consultation with doctor which is 500. Follow up treatment seems a lot more reasonable, with services like mindbloom its about 1,200 for 6 doses (nasal sprays i think), and they send it to you to self administer.

I don't think I know more than you do, but everything I have read suggest that people can react to the ketamine very differently. Some go on a wild trip and the positive effects show up right away and lasts a long time. For some the effects show up slowly after the first session. Some people don't find it helpful at all despite multiple sessions. This whole thing is still not very established yet, and it's a shame that it's not more widely accessible.

What I'm really interested in is how much it'll change the way I see my life. My life is a lot more fked up than just chronic depression, I've got chronic illnesses and a broken life. I've been like this since I was a little boy and now everything seems too little too late. So if all ketamine does is clearing the dark fog of depression then its definitely not going to be enough for me, but if it somehow makes me europhic and hopeful (even if blindly) for more than just a few hours or days then i want to know what that's like. I want to take a hard look at my life with those colored glasses, if I'm still hopeless then I've got the bus ticket that'll overcome my SI.