Kimmi.rikudotnet
Will anyone remember me?
- Aug 26, 2024
- 11
It's terrifying to say the least, i can't move out, money is tight. I can't leave him alone. But when he is screaming, crying and swearing over a video game, it's hard to stay sane. I feel so angry, i wanna trow something, i also want to scream. Every night i blast music into my ears because of how loud he is and how much he screams. I think my ears are damaged by now. I notice my hearing got worse and i seem to start blending his voive out automatically even when he is speaking to me normaly. last week my therapist invited him in to talk about this, as we live together. I voiced my issues, and my concern and he got mad. he said how disapointed he is in me, how he is shocked that i would lie about him. Then he revealed many embarassing things to my therapist to get back at me. this week my therapist praised me for my self control, how well i kept my cool but still voiced what i wanted to voice. But my self control is barely kept together, i dont think i can keep it together. I dont kmow what i will do once it snaps.
The best days are the ones were he sleeps at his girlfriends house. She swears he would never get mad. But other than that shes a great woman and i value her sososososo much. The best weekends are the ones he spends at his girlfriends house entirely. Then there are the ones where my 13 year old brother visits, when he was 10 he told me that he blames himself for my dads addiction because he thinks he started this somehow. I told my dad this last week and he said "well that was 3 years ago, whatever, cant be that up to date."
Now my brother just sits next to him as he almost completely rages and there is nothing we can do. Maybe this saturday i'll take him to my favorite kiosk to pass some time even if it'llbe just for 10 minutes. But i dont know how long i can do this anymore. I know there is so much i whine about, so many problems that it almost seems unreal.But hearing my dad cry over a video game thorugh my music feels like a scene from a movie, a movie i want to desperately turn off.
I'm a naturally scared person, I feel so weak for how bad this is. Ik the whole "guys cant feel, feelings are weak, men strong!!!'' stuff isn't true but I cant help but feel weak for feeling so scared and wrecked.
The best days are the ones were he sleeps at his girlfriends house. She swears he would never get mad. But other than that shes a great woman and i value her sososososo much. The best weekends are the ones he spends at his girlfriends house entirely. Then there are the ones where my 13 year old brother visits, when he was 10 he told me that he blames himself for my dads addiction because he thinks he started this somehow. I told my dad this last week and he said "well that was 3 years ago, whatever, cant be that up to date."
Now my brother just sits next to him as he almost completely rages and there is nothing we can do. Maybe this saturday i'll take him to my favorite kiosk to pass some time even if it'llbe just for 10 minutes. But i dont know how long i can do this anymore. I know there is so much i whine about, so many problems that it almost seems unreal.But hearing my dad cry over a video game thorugh my music feels like a scene from a movie, a movie i want to desperately turn off.
I'm a naturally scared person, I feel so weak for how bad this is. Ik the whole "guys cant feel, feelings are weak, men strong!!!'' stuff isn't true but I cant help but feel weak for feeling so scared and wrecked.