My depression is keeping me alive:(

[dust-in-the-wind]

My meds stopped working 2 years ago and I have since been in a horrible depressive episode. I've tried more meds, ketamine and ECT, nothing works. I want to end it but my depression is so bad I can barely get out of bed. I am essentially non-functional. I really need to finalize my Will as I am 55 with assets I don't want going to probate. I want to prepay my burial and funeral arrangements. I also want to leave instructions/passwords for accounts to my next of kin and straighten up my house a bit. BUT I can't do any of that. I can't even make a sandwich my depression is that bad. All I can do is lay here in the dark on my phone reading thru SaSu. GOD PLEASE LET ME DIE.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

"My depression had grown on me as that vine had conquered the oak; it had been a sucking thing that had wrapped itself around me, ugly and more alive than I. It had had a life of its own that bit by bit asphyxiated all of my life out of me. [...] I could never kill this vine of depression, and so all I wanted was for it to let me die. But it had taken from me the energy I would have needed to kill myself, and it would not kill me. If my trunk was rotting, this thing that fed on it was now too strong to let it fall." - Andrew Solomon

 

[SomewhatLoved]

I feel similar sometimes. I want to practice hanging but I feel paralyzed a lot of the time and can barely force myself out of bed, even when I absolutely need to get up

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

"My depression had grown on me as that vine had conquered the oak; it had been a sucking thing that had wrapped itself around me, ugly and more alive than I. It had had a life of its own that bit by bit asphyxiated all of my life out of me. [...] I could never kill this vine of depression, and so all I wanted was for it to let me die. But it had taken from me the energy I would have needed to kill myself, and it would not kill me. If my trunk was rotting, this thing that fed on it was now too strong to let it fall." - Andrew Solomon

T

"My depression had grown on me as that vine had conquered the oak; it had been a sucking thing that had wrapped itself around me, ugly and more alive than I. It had had a life of its own that bit by bit asphyxiated all of my life out of me. [...] I could never kill this vine of depression, and so all I wanted was for it to let me die. But it had taken from me the energy I would have needed to kill myself, and it would not kill me. If my trunk was rotting, this thing that fed on it was now too strong to let it fall." - Andrew Solomon

I have read his book "Noonday Demon". What you have quoted is a spot on description of what depression does to a person.

 

[Life'sA6itch]

I feel the same. Shower, work, bed, rinse and repeat. Depression saps my energy while working and every other second of the day.

 

[AnxiousLlama]

Same. I went to buy rope yestsrday, couldn't find anything decent from the store, I was too depressed and lazy to bother going to other stores looking for it.

 

[ms_beaverhousen]

Wow. Haven't heard "depression" being depicted as the sole reason keeping one alive. Interestingly put.
Same...
Also nice to hear someone not in their 20s saying so. (No offense.)

 

[RiverOfLife]

And that is why suicide is considered a side effect of many antidepressants. Not a problem with the medication (usually), just that the person was too depressed to Ctb before the meds kicked in.
Which causes scaremongering and keeps people who could be helped from getting help.
Makes no sense.

 

[divinemistress36]

Same. I'm to depressed to plan

 

[NegevChina]

I was to weak to plan, now im a little better and have many plans, need to decide and go for it. Because things are about to get so bad i cant imagine how bad ill feel.

 

[excinephile]

My meds stopped working 2 years ago and I have since been in a horrible depressive episode. I've tried more meds, ketamine and ECT, nothing works. I want to end it but my depression is so bad I can barely get out of bed. I am essentially non-functional. I really need to finalize my Will as I am 55 with assets I don't want going to probate. I want to prepay my burial and funeral arrangements. I also want to leave instructions/passwords for accounts to my next of kin and straighten up my house a bit. BUT I can't do any of that. I can't even make a sandwich my depression is that bad. All I can do is lay here in the dark on my phone reading thru SaSu. GOD PLEASE LET ME DIE.

Same. My depression in its current extreme and treatment resistant form has been induced by antidepressants though. Do you think long term AD use could have something to do with the severity and intractability down the line?

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

Same. My depression in its current extreme and treatment resistant form has been induced by antidepressants though. Do you think long term AD use could have something to do with the severity and intractability down the line?

I don't think so only because I know many people on AD's for years including my sister. I also had some pretty severe depression in my 30's (I'm 55 now) and I hadn't taken any AD's until I was almost 40. I read the episodes get worse as you get older. I really need to check out of here. I see no future. I'm so sorry for your suffering as well.

 

[Hollowman]

My depression is too. I made a thread the other day that has a link talking about this. There's a theory that it's an evolutionary defense mechanism.