My depression won’t get better and my memory is degenerating

[Triangle]

I take care of myself and still try to do things. I eat well, try new hobbies, learn things, create things, etc. but it just doesn't get better. The stress of university isn't helping—I have no passion for a career but I have no choice but to keep going just so I can be allowed to live. What I really need is years of time to relax and finally be allowed to recover from a lifetime of trauma, but there's just no way.

I have more and more trouble remembering. Sometimes I struggle to discern reality. I struggle to remember my best friend or pleasant moments, and it makes me delirious. Depression physically shrinks the part of your brain responsible for memory, doesn't it? It just gets harder and harder.

Is this what I'm stuck with for the rest of my life? I follow all the standard tips for self-care but I'm not getting even a little bit better. I'm terrified of being doomed to a lifetime of pain because of an injust childhood. Whenever people say they've gotten better, it's always because self-care, therapy, medication, or a strong support network have helped them out. What if those things aren't working, or if I'm unable to access them? Therapy and other professional resources are flatly out of reach. All the other positive stuff that's supposed to work—no effect. What now? Where am I supposed to turn?

 

[Mr2005]

I got those years to relax and now want to forget them. It might not be all bad

 

[BPD Barbie]

Are you not able to access medication? How come therapy is off limits? It's hard when you feel your back is against the wall with nowhere to turn, but sometimes we have to dig deep and make some sacrifices. Are you able to take a year out of university? A gap year or something and use that time to relax and try to sort what you need to sort?

 

[Suicide_vampire]

I take care of myself and still try to do things. I eat well, try new hobbies, learn things, create things, etc. but it just doesn't get better. The stress of university isn't helping—I have no passion for a career but I have no choice but to keep going just so I can be allowed to live. What I really need is years of time to relax and finally be allowed to recover from a lifetime of trauma, but there's just no way.

I have more and more trouble remembering. Sometimes I struggle to discern reality. I struggle to remember my best friend or pleasant moments, and it makes me delirious. Depression physically shrinks the part of your brain responsible for memory, doesn't it? It just gets harder and harder.

Is this what I'm stuck with for the rest of my life? I follow all the standard tips for self-care but I'm not getting even a little bit better. I'm terrified of being doomed to a lifetime of pain because of an injust childhood. Whenever people say they've gotten better, it's always because self-care, therapy, medication, or a strong support network have helped them out. What if those things aren't working, or if I'm unable to access them? Therapy and other professional resources are flatly out of reach. All the other positive stuff that's supposed to work—no effect. What now? Where am I supposed to turn?

I feel like this also with my memory, it seems that it has become like a sieve.
It sometimes feels like alcohol blackouts even when I haven't had anything to drink.
Sometimes trying to remember yesterday is like wading through a fog.
If I were older I would think early onset dementia or the like. At 47 though maybe it is.
It's just another part of myself that mental illness seems to be robbing from me.

 

[Triangle]

The place I live in is small and I've attempted to access meds/therapy in the past, and gotten involved with abusive therapists. I do not want to risk coming in contact with them or more like them because they essentially trapped me in a therapy relationship that I did not want until I faked getting better. They used their power to get me locked up for being at imminent risk of suicide (which hadn't been true) randomly, and I had no say in any treatment. They forced me to take medications which only made me feel worse. I want to access therapy once I move to a different place but that isnt possible for a few years. Also, many therapists deem me to have a condition too severe for them to handle, especially online ones. Most of the mental health workers in this area are for non-suicidal people that are dealing with light anxiety, those with marriage issues, or children.

I can't take any breaks out of my education, I'd rather not get into the details but it is pretty much non-negotiable. Aside from that, it's risky to draw any attention to my failing mental health because of the way i was treated for it by people around here in the past.

 

[-Link-]

I'd suggest keeping a journal. A detailed one.

And when you think of memories that you're concerned you'll forget, write those down as well.

I don't really know what to suggest as far as dealing with depression that doesn't get better, other than to say keep connected with other people who can relate to your situation (peer support) and hold onto anyone that has a positive, supportive role in your life.

 

[clandestine]

Low levels (within range still) of b12 is associated with poor memory https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/m/pubmed/26912492/ you could check your levels

Other memory enhancers that come to mind are methylene blue https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2016/06/160628072028.htm

dopamine enhancers like taurine, caffeine, lisuride maybe. The taurine, caffeine and b12 are the safest to take.

Other than that maybe you could try mental exercises, mnemonics, that kind of thing. Taxi drivers have larger hippocampus' than average because of their jobs. Exercise daily relating to memory and you'll likely see some form of improvement.

 

[Anggel2018]

It is quite overwhelming to feel that it is a fall without return and without ropes to get back out of that well, incredibly I go through something similar, I am 19 years old, I feel you can not with this and I think I will be better resting, because my parents They repeat all the time "when you are not we are well", I would like to rest at once, but I still don't know what pills I should buy, recommendations?

 

[Reallyreallyreally]

I take care of myself and still try to do things. I eat well, try new hobbies, learn things, create things, etc. but it just doesn't get better. The stress of university isn't helping—I have no passion for a career but I have no choice but to keep going just so I can be allowed to live. What I really need is years of time to relax and finally be allowed to recover from a lifetime of trauma, but there's just no way.

I have more and more trouble remembering. Sometimes I struggle to discern reality. I struggle to remember my best friend or pleasant moments, and it makes me delirious. Depression physically shrinks the part of your brain responsible for memory, doesn't it? It just gets harder and harder.

Is this what I'm stuck with for the rest of my life? I follow all the standard tips for self-care but I'm not getting even a little bit better. I'm terrified of being doomed to a lifetime of pain because of an injust childhood. Whenever people say they've gotten better, it's always because self-care, therapy, medication, or a strong support network have helped them out. What if those things aren't working, or if I'm unable to access them? Therapy and other professional resources are flatly out of reach. All the other positive stuff that's supposed to work—no effect. What now? Where am I supposed to turn?

That's a really tough spot you're in. Sorry you have to deal with this. I was in a version of this for some years. The only thing that was able to pull me out and keep me out was a very simple whole ingredient ketogenic diet. It was developed for epilepsy and is currently used to help treat many kinds of brain problems, stabilize mood disorders, and help with many other health issues in many other parts of the body. It helped me so much that I thought my ptsd and mood problems had been some sort of mistake and that I'd actually always been fine. It's pretty much why I'm alive. I'm pretty much only lurking around here when I'm not on it, which means my meds can only go so far.

It doesn't help everyone but what you describe sounds like me before I was on it. If this sounds like something you'd like to try, feel free to PM me and I'll try to connect you with some good resources and help guide you around some of the pitfalls I tripped over along the way.

 

[Largeletters]

I don't think you'll be stuck with this, especially since you're asking yourself that question now. Self care is not always the solution to everything, especially not curing indescribable and/or debilitating depression. If you are unable to access a therapist, try a support group, maybe. It helps to be on this site but it can only do so much. I'd say look into support groups for your specific battles. Some are affordable or even free.

 

[Inferdan]

I'd suggest keeping a journal. A detailed one.

And when you think of memories that you're concerned you'll forget, write those down as well.

I don't really know what to suggest as far as dealing with depression that doesn't get better, other than to say keep connected with other people who can relate to your situation (peer support) and hold onto anyone that has a positive, supportive role in your life.

A great idea. Would probably help improve memory and be able to keep more. Idk, I think that's how it works.

 

[enjoy]

hi! i'm also a university student who has problems remembering things as a result of depression. someone above me said something about keeping a journal and i totally agree with them. sleeping is also really important. do you sleep well? how long does it take for you to fall asleep? do you wake easily? do you sleep too much? too little? also, do you exercise often? i know it can be really hard to get out of bed sometimes, but working out is known to improve memory. try to hit the gym, even if it's only once a week for an hour. it's good that you have a good diet; that's something i need to personally work on.

also try to control your caffeine intake. up to two cups of coffee can be good for the mind but anything over that can make things worse. best of luck!

 

[Triangle]

I used to keep one in the past but making myself write down every thing every day stressed me out. But I think I might try a more relaxed approach, writing when I want to. Thanks for the idea everyone

I am not sure how long it takes me to sleep because i can't remember, but it is not fast. I sleep around 7-8 hours usually although I find that I need a bit more sleep than the average person to feel at my best. Exercise is hard because I don't have access to a gym and I have some respiratory difficulties but I'll try to at least run a little. Caffeine intake is only from a bit of tea every now and then so I think I'm doing fine in that regard

Working with a doctor right now to check for physical problems but anything involving mental health is sort of inaccessible locally for now. But I'll keep trying to find ways