My diary thread

[golgappa]

7 march 2025
(2:43 Am)

I know tomorrow is gonna be a bad and stressful day, so should I even bother to care? Cause of my laziness, I will lose the deadline again, a disappointment like I always am. I can't even be good at something I'm supposed to be a master in.

15th March is my last day at work. I need to find something else really fast. I don't regret resigning, but now I have to suffer the consequences of it. But I don't understand—if I wanna kill myself, then why do I wanna try? In my mind, I was working to earn some money for the travel just to kill myself, then why? I hate living, I cry every day, I love no one, but still, I wanna try? Every year I start with goals. This year, I even wrote my only goal is to kill myself.

 

[foggyskies_]

I'm really sorry about all the hell you're going through. I'd say there's some worth in trying, even for a little while. That desire is a part of you saying it still wants to experience things, regardless of what you decide. I don't think you're lazy either. Intense pain, hating life as much as you do... Nobody can get work done in a state like that. Even if they're a master, your hands and brain don't align when you're sick.

Work, deadlines, success are all man-made creations. We were made to enjoy life, not to be parts of a machine. Simply existing is success from an evolutionary standpoint. Maybe after you leave your job, it'll give some much needed time to rest and reflect?

I hope you find peace wherever you end up. ♡

 

[golgappa]

Same day

(5:58 PM)

Not much happened at work, but I just lost a friend—or at least, I thought he was a friend. He blatantly told me he was surprised he hadn't blocked me yet. Naturally, anyone would be curious if someone they considered a friend said something like that, so I asked why he was saying those things. We had been joking around, so I wanted to clarify. He responded, "If this topic ever came up before, I would have said the same thing."

And I don't know—something just flipped in my head. I removed him from everything—my life, Instagram, WhatsApp. My list of friends keeps getting smaller, and I don't know why. I always get the wrong idea, thinking we're close friends, but the other person never seems to think so.

 

[golgappa]

11 march 2025
(11:58 PM)

Thing's are ok nothing bad going on but I still keep thinking i should end it , nothing bad is happening but nothing too is happening too I am tired it's 15th soon i will miss the deadline and even if I don't miss it I will lose ik same with my job I am just existing I hate it , I hate it

 

[golgappa]

17 Match 2025
(5:35 AM)

Yesterday i went of with my family and I saw someone I haven't met for a long time i didn't see properly but that person looked very similar and now all i can think of is when I met that person last time and now there is no difference I am in same place he will probably go and make fun of me not to mention I keep remembering old people i used to know it's like they are creeping on me even if the chapter is over i always thought blocking people who don't bring anything good to my life is ok but I just regret how things went it's the biggest demotivation for me to keep living, after 3 days of from work I will be back again i can't help but feel useless the company I work for is a startup ik it's not going anywhere cause the both owners have different vision and the idea is shit I am tried of switching jobs ever 6 months for once I just want this to work so I can work on myself half of the time I am worried about these stupid things I need time for me so I just hope things go well and I can chill in 1 place for a while help myself grow, learn new things

 

[golgappa]

18 march 2025
(1:30Am)
I been wanting to move to banglore for the longest time now that I have the chance to move (my boss asked me to move next month) i don't feel like it , of course the salary is a issue I can't move to a place like banglore in my salary will need atleast 60k and even if I get the salary is it worth moving after a long time i feel relaxed going back to a hectic life wake up- travel - work - Sleep I will have no time for me idk what to do I feel like if I accept the offer i might end up messing up my mental health more not to mention I will have no one for support but it will be easier to catch a train if I decide to, this is very confusing I just hope I get that much salary at home only cause I applied to a US job but my luck sucks and I never get what I want so ik I won't get it just dreaming about it to be broken in the end, and there is no point in being confused too cause ik I won't get a 60k offer so yea life will suck as much as it's sucked today

 

[golgappa]

19 Match
(8:00PM)

no update on the job thing and no call back from the job I wanted am planning to cut another person out of my life starting today will talk less with that person I need to live a better life and do better and having no time to lack of focus is making it worse I took today off slept all day still depressed box not working nor is the brain hoping to get the call form the job I wanted, it only has 3 more months remaining so I am trying but obviously it's not getting better

 

[golgappa]

23 March
(5:37 Am)

I didn't sleep all night, can't sleep just feeling panicked idk why I didn't work yesterday too so will have to do it today, no update on the job thing still just am scared i been thinking all night if I should take the risk to move but I am to scared to meet the people i stopped talking to in the past face to face I wanna be free and I won't be free if I move idk been thinking for a long time to order SN but never got the time or just got distracted but will have to order the right one no matter watch by Tommorow

 

[golgappa]

27 march
(5:37Am)

I got a confirmation on the salary thing my boss agreed I am exited but scared i been wanting to go to Bangalore for so many years now the time has come and I am scared? Idk how I will navigate stuff and what if I end up making all my friends hate me or maybe we will end up getting closer who knows i might find the hope I been looking for but ngl I am scared , like alot I wanna grow but Idk what will happen and mostly am scared i will meet him and he won't like me tbh same goes for my friend that I know there idk am praying something better comes along so I won't have to move and I can live in my comfort zone but idk i really don't know just am scared of what life will throw at me

 

[golgappa]

30 march
10:59

I feel guilty about everything that happened last year
I decided to go to college
I feel bad that I choose to spoke of myself and I end it up with no friend
I feel guilty that I choose to join the company i did
I have many more regrets everything did go well on paper is right now those this is worked well for me except the fact that I lost many friends but were they even my friend if the decided to leave me and not communication with me I mean I know they were not I don't need friends like them but I feel left out and that's the thing that hurts me I don't know is something so in significance when I do have great friends with me already should affect me but it does I don't know where I am going in life forward this point I hope it somewhere good even though I want to say I don't believe in God I do because every time I am in a bad situation God has saved me just before I would break and I believe or hope he will say me like this in the future and give me the happiness I deserve even though I rage I curse him he saved me but I still feel broken I don't know if I should continue to test my luck because honestly I am alive because of that luck if I don't have that luck I would have kill myself by now and it's some point that luck will die and so will my will to live so before I get even lower i wanna end it idk if that's the right thing to do

 

[golgappa]

31 march
5:38

I lost almost 20k today cause what i was talking about yesterday came true I lost my luck ig 2 of my tech product took a hit today almost 15 days of work just gone like that I have to buy a plane ticket , cloths, room rent next month cause of moving lost almost most of it these are the days that make me lose motivation to live all at once