Venting My dog doesn't love me

[shiny_quill]

A while ago, I had a fight with my mother about makeup (which is a silly thing to fight over, but at this point I'm not convinced she isn't just trying to be mean to set me off, have a fight, then play the victim), and she said something that hasn't left my mind since; for context, I study animal tech, I love animals, they're so much easier to understand than humans (although humans are animals), and I've always wanted to work with them, and my mother knows this, yet she carefully chose to say that the dog hated me and was afraid of me when my dog rushed upstairs (which he never does despite being allowed to) barking because of our screaming match, and at the time, I thought it was just a thing she said to be hurtful because she knew it would hurt, and I tried not to think about it, but it hadn't left my mind since.

I tried to talk about the argument to the rest of my family, who witnessed it happen too, but everyone was more shocked by something she said afterwards and thought it was what I was referring to (basically, I said I didn't want to be alive and just wanted to die, and she replied in less than a second than I should), and I haven't really had the gut to say it out loud, but I'm starting to think she might be right, and it's killing me.

My dog barks a lot at me, and while his body language isn't aggressive, nor defensive in the slightest, his tone is a bit confusing. I'm usually the one that gives him treats, takes him on walks, plays with him (no one else ever plays with him, even when he clearly asks to play), bathes him when needed, and on the weekends (I'm only home during the weekend) I feed him and make sure he has enough to drink, and I'm trying to be attentive to his needs, I spend as much time with him as I can and yet he still barks in that haunting tone, only at me, and I know it's not a playful bark, and I hate it. I'm the only one in my family who never screamed at him, so I tried to tell myself that this was probably the reason, that he just wasn't afraid to be screamed at but he doesn't bark like that at strangers, he's either playful or on his guards with them, and I can't wrap my head around it, I'm terrified he might hate me and my mom is right.

I don't know how to go about my life if a dog, a member of a specie that was designed to love humans (and love is the right word, it's literally in their biology), who I had since he was a puppy, hates me. How am I supposed to ever work with animals if I can't get my own dog to love me? I just wish he'd stop barking at me, he'd stop giving me whale eyes when he asks for belly rubs, that he'd stop running away to other family members every single time he sees me cry as if he was avoiding me, I hate it. I wish I wasn't mad at him for all of that, but I am, and I feel terrible, what kind of person gets mad at a dog for not loving them? I feel like the worst person on Earth, I just want him to love me, I just wish I knew he felt safe, and loved, and cared for with me and I can't shake the feeling he doesn't, no matter how hard I try. He's my baby, I've literally thrown myself under a car to protect him, why doesn't he love me back when he seems so happy when my mom even does so much as to just look his way despite the fact she keeps screaming at him, threatening to kick him and ignores him most of the time? I don't understand why I'm so unloveable that even he can't love me...

 

[Bremer]

Have you ever thought that your dog is not afraid of you, but afraid for you?

I can tell from what you write that you know a lot about dogs. You are right, dogs are genetically designed to love us humans and they can read us like no other species, understand our emotions and even our intentions.

Since you are on SaSu, your dog will know how you REALLY feel - dogs are more than empathic.
The conflicts he sees between you and your mother at home may also overwhelm him if he feels responsible for bringing peace and harmony to the group but can't find a way to do it.

The fact that he is barking at you without showing any aggressive behaviour means that he is trying to communicate with you, perhaps telling you something about your condition, which is like an open book to him. This is what I mean with afraid for you, through dogs eyes (and their nose), you're obviously unstable. That's threatening to know about a member of the pack if you cannot find a way to help.

What does your dog do when you are there at the weekend and you sit somewhere completely quiet, completely with yourself, trying to be emotionally stable for a moment? I bet he will give you his closeness after a short time.

 

[F@#$]

I think your dog knows you're upset.