Story My experience of ultimate distress

[madbananas]

Warning (I know it's a suicide discussion but trigger warning just in case)
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Anyone who wishes to share their experiences of distress, feel free

My last experience of this was a month ago to the day.
When I am at the point of complete distress I can't even bring myself to try to ctb. I self harm (superficial but on arms, legs, knock and face), I scream, I walk round my house almost compulsively because the energy in me makes me feel like I'm about to explode, teleport and/or project into my astral form. I also bang my head against the wall until I've got a bump and a really sore head, or hit myself in the face/head with either my hands or a hair brush.
My mum thinks telling me to "stop" will work, and still after 13 years tells me she doesn't know what to do to help. Usually she waits until I can't stop banging my head until she eventually decides to call a doctor. This frustrates me because she has a phone and can work google very well. However I also feel bad because she lives with me. It doesn't happen often, but my last time was because of all the shit my university has inflicted upon me, treating me like I'm more worthless than dirt on their shoes. Makes it even worse that they've done that during a pandemic and lockdown.

 

[muffin222]

I'm so sorry you're in such distress and pain. May I ask if you're Autistic or on the spectrum? The reason I ask is because you mentioned headbanging. If that's the case, I can sympathize with the unbearable emotional energy that you like you just HAVE to release somehow. I'm Autistic.

When this energy gets to be too much for me, I also pace around the house or beat pillows or scream or even pull my own hair out of my head (which is an anxiety disorder/form of self-harm called trichotillomania).

I'm sorry to hear that people have treated you poorly and made you feel worthless. It's such a frustrating feeling, especially when you're already prone to bouts of emotional distress.

I wish there was something we could do for you I really hope things become more bearable for you. You're not alone

 

[madbananas]

I'm so sorry you're in such distress and pain. May I ask if you're Autistic or on the spectrum? The reason I ask is because you mentioned headbanging. If that's the case, I can sympathize with the unbearable emotional energy that you like you just HAVE to release somehow. I'm Autistic.

When this energy gets to be too much for me, I also pace around the house or beat pillows or scream or even pull my own hair out of my head (which is an anxiety disorder/form of self-harm called trichotillomania).

I'm sorry to hear that people have treated you poorly and made you feel worthless. It's such a frustrating feeling, especially when you're already prone to bouts of emotional distress.

I wish there was something we could do for you I really hope things become more bearable for you. You're not alone

I have never been diagnosed with autism but I wonder more and more if I've slipped through the net with regards to that. Wouldn't surprise me considering my diagnosis is "depression not elsewhere classified" when I could technically have complex PTSD, major depression and generalised anxiety disorder (mental health system in my area have 2 year waiting lists, usually I feel ok by that time and they say that because I've improved don't need the service - unfortunately they don't appreciate the fluctuation and all the shit I've experienced which is past trauma flung in my face again which the perpetrators are aware of). Even then I'm aware people who are autistic often get misdiagnosed with BPD. Since you mention the hair pulling, I (not officially diagnosed) have the symptoms of dermatillomania.
Thankfully it is a rare case for me, I get emotional distress fairly regularly but the experience I described is usually in a response to being retraumatised.
Thanks for the response sadly I won't be getting any diagnosis or treatment soon. I have a year left of my two year waiting list lol

 

[TheSkyIsBlue]

My distress? Pacing, walking from one room to another, trembling, punching my bed, throwing pillows... Last time I accidentally tore my poster on the wall when doing this.

 

[madbananas]

My distress? Pacing, walking from one room to another, trembling, punching my bed, throwing pillows... Last time I accidentally tore my poster on the wall when doing this.

I'm sorry you experience this. It's horrible. I remember when I was about 14 when I was wanting to ctb so my mum sat in my bedroom with me but in front of my door so I couldn't get out. It was the worst. The red mist descended, I thought I briefly blacked out for a second, and I ripped a poster off my wall. It's a horrible feeling. I hope you don't experience it too often

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

What would you have your mom google?

Can you empower the both of you by giving her the information she needs that would best serve when that happens?

Would she actually use it?

 

[madbananas]

What would you have your mom google?

Can you empower the both of you by giving her the information she needs that would best serve when that happens?

Would she actually use it?

just how to help someone in severe distress.
She calls the doctor eventually. I guess I just struggle to talk with her about it (which isn't helpful haha) because it's been a repeated cycle since I was 11 (I'm 25 now). She typically will go from completely ignoring me to following me around the house. She's been given numbers to call and told to phone services but it doesn't change anything. I should probably try and adjust my expectations. I reckon partly the way I am is because she couldn't deal with me when I was younger. Not her fault, but it has had its impact.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Adjusting your expectations would probably help. But it would probably help for her to do things differently as well. She may feel helpless in the face of what's happening. That's why I asked if there would be anything empowering for both of you. Shit, she may even need to just leave the house and let you deal if it's too much for her and she can't accept that she can neither ignore nor control it. I think both of your feelings and needs are important here, yours and hers.

Anyhow, I know I can't fix anything, and I'm only seeing small parts of the whole picture. If anything wasn't helpful, of course discard it. At the least, I send you both my compassion, but especially to you.

 

[madbananas]

Adjusting your expectations would probably help. But it would probably help for her to do things differently as well. She may feel helpless in the face of what's happening. That's why I asked if there would be anything empowering for both of you. Shit, she may even need to just leave the house and let you deal if it's too much for her and she can't accept that she can neither ignore nor control it. I think both of your feelings and needs are important here, yours and hers.

Anyhow, I know I can't fix anything, and I'm only seeing small parts of the whole picture. If anything wasn't helpful, of course discard it. At the least, I send you both my compassion, but especially to you.

thank you, no it is helpful. Reminding me of the bigger picture keeps me from sinking into the shithole haha.

 

[ssaaahmo]

I have never been diagnosed with autism but I wonder more and more if I've slipped through the net with regards to that. Wouldn't surprise me considering my diagnosis is "depression not elsewhere classified" when I could technically have complex PTSD, major depression and generalised anxiety disorder (mental health system in my area have 2 year waiting lists, usually I feel ok by that time and they say that because I've improved don't need the service - unfortunately they don't appreciate the fluctuation and all the shit I've experienced which is past trauma flung in my face again which the perpetrators are aware of). Even then I'm aware people who are autistic often get misdiagnosed with BPD. Since you mention the hair pulling, I (not officially diagnosed) have the symptoms of dermatillomania.
Thankfully it is a rare case for me, I get emotional distress fairly regularly but the experience I described is usually in a response to being retraumatised.
Thanks for the response sadly I won't be getting any diagnosis or treatment soon. I have a year left of my two year waiting list lol

it makes me mad that the mental health services haven't caught up to the physical ones in a lot of places. sending you hugs

 

[madbananas]

it makes me mad that the mental health services haven't caught up to the physical ones in a lot of places. sending you hugs

me too. It's ridiculous. I get better help regarding my mental health with the physical services at the moment. And thank you! *hugs back*