DeadNotSleeping
Eternally Internally Screaming
- Oct 7, 2024
- 144
Sorry for the long post. Feel free to scroll on by I'm just typing for typing's sake while on the verge of a breakdown. Also fun fact: this post is apparently 1337 words long.
Mostly I just want to scream. I've felt so pent up and on edge for a few months now. I've basically ruined every friendship I have by disregarding my responsibilities. I refuse to actually try to get better. I have medication I should be taking but I don't. I self sabotage basically constantly.
To give some background I guess around 2017 I moved to another state to be with a girl. After being there for a few years she ended up moving back with her ex because her grandmother had passed away and she had to take care of all of that. Told me everything was fine but kept pulling away. Hardly ever heard from her for months and was no longer helping me with rent. Randomly in the middle of the night she came back. didn't let herself in but just knocked on the door and waited for me to let her in. She had a notebook in her hand with her thoughts written out. We sat on the couch and she read out her breakup letter to me. She then just started packing up the stuff she wanted to leave with. That's when I found out her ex was waiting in the car outside and she was moving in with him. I was devastated. Fast forward a few months I had to move out of that apartment cause I just couldn't afford it anymore. I was working at a nursing home initially hired as housekeeping but then started taking on more maintenance tasks.
New apartment acquired. Things were going okay. I honestly just went to work then went home. Good thing about my job is it was a 5 minute walk away. Outside of work I didn't have to interact with anybody. It was great. I however started drinking very heavily. I thought I was keeping it managed by only drinking on the weekends but I was getting blackout drunk throughout the weekend. Other than rent, most of my paycheck was going towards alcohol and however much food I needed to stay alive. I did truly love where I worked though. The residents were great. It was nice feeling like people had to rely on me for something. My self worth was pretty high at the time. Still depressed and taking meds for it at the time but it was easier to hide. I'd spend like 8-12 hours "on" at work then come home and just brain off until I had to go back to work.
Apartment increased rent and I just wasn't able to afford it. I figured I'd been at the nursing home long enough and my job duties had changed so much since I got there that I was due a raise of some kind. I was told that funds were frozen for personnel and to basically get fucked. I put in my two weeks then and there and just said that I literally couldn't afford to live where I was at at that pay. Had to move back to my Father's place where I originally left which was just embarrassing. I felt so defeated. I'm grateful he allowed me to come back but he was just as emotionally abusive as ever. I stopped taking care of myself entirely. I'd wait until he was asleep to get food from the kitchen because I couldn't handle whatever conversation we'd have if he saw me. Never left my room. Sometimes went a week without ever speaking to anybody. Ended up gaining a lot of weight to the point I couldn't really physically do much. So getting a job doing physical labor wouldn't be possible without a lot of work. This was all right before Covid really hit.
It was that way for a few years until 2023. I never ended up finding another job. I had started to look when I first got back but was just so emotionally done with everything I stopped altogether. I kept telling myself I had to get better and find work but ultimately just fucked off for the whole day instead of looking. There's the self sabotage I knew so well. My Father had guns in the house and I had convinced him I was fine to be around them. We lived in a pretty shitty part of town so he wanted me to know where everything was/how to get them if someone tried to break in or something. I battled with not ending things so many times. I've mentioned in another post that I regret not doing it then. Also keep in mind during this entire period I've pushed every friend away from me save for one online friend I knew for a decade or so but had never met.
That friend reaches out and says they want to get me out of my Father's place because clearly things aren't going well and they're afraid I'm just going to end up dead if I stay there. So we talk in discord planning things with him, his fiance, and a friend of theirs who we just added to the call to have a fourth so we could play something while talking. Their friend and I ended up hitting it off pretty well. She had a similar sense of humor to me, loved horror movies, and had a similar taste in music. Loved all the games I did too so finding something to play was easy. Things were starting to look up again. So we get everything planned out for me to move there. Again a few states away. At this point the friend and I had been talking on our own for a while and started a relationship before I got there. She volunteered to come pick me up and drive me back. It was a 28 hour drive one way. I was thankful she even offered to do that. The road trip was nice. I did feel guilty leaving my Father on such short notice, but he was okay with it. He agreed that I needed to have a change of location to maybe feel better.
I arrive at the new place and things were going well emotionally for a little bit. Had some people to talk to daily that also understood mental health issues so they understood if I just needed some time to not exist for a bit. Things with girlfriend are going well too. I go full force into trying to find work but am just getting denied constantly due to my gap in work history. I start to get depressed again and put less and less work into finding a job. This goes on for honestly an entire year. Friend and his fiance have completely pulled away from me at this point. Girlfriend also starting to. Don't hear from her for days at a time and when I do it's a message or two before getting ghosted again. Eventually she ends things with me. Just said she doesn't have time to put energy into a relationship. She might be telling the truth but my brain says the timing is too close to everyone else pulling away. I'm a fairly paranoid person in general so it's hard to shut those feelings down. Three days after she breaks up with me the friend tells me that it has been too long and I'm just making things harder on them and am causing stress and anxiety. They tell me I have to move back to my Father's place or figure something else out.
So here we are present day. I have until the end of the month to either figure out how I'm going to get back to my Father's place, or end things. I'm leaning closer to ctb since I don't think I can financially even get back there.
Mostly I just want to scream. I've felt so pent up and on edge for a few months now. I've basically ruined every friendship I have by disregarding my responsibilities. I refuse to actually try to get better. I have medication I should be taking but I don't. I self sabotage basically constantly.
To give some background I guess around 2017 I moved to another state to be with a girl. After being there for a few years she ended up moving back with her ex because her grandmother had passed away and she had to take care of all of that. Told me everything was fine but kept pulling away. Hardly ever heard from her for months and was no longer helping me with rent. Randomly in the middle of the night she came back. didn't let herself in but just knocked on the door and waited for me to let her in. She had a notebook in her hand with her thoughts written out. We sat on the couch and she read out her breakup letter to me. She then just started packing up the stuff she wanted to leave with. That's when I found out her ex was waiting in the car outside and she was moving in with him. I was devastated. Fast forward a few months I had to move out of that apartment cause I just couldn't afford it anymore. I was working at a nursing home initially hired as housekeeping but then started taking on more maintenance tasks.
New apartment acquired. Things were going okay. I honestly just went to work then went home. Good thing about my job is it was a 5 minute walk away. Outside of work I didn't have to interact with anybody. It was great. I however started drinking very heavily. I thought I was keeping it managed by only drinking on the weekends but I was getting blackout drunk throughout the weekend. Other than rent, most of my paycheck was going towards alcohol and however much food I needed to stay alive. I did truly love where I worked though. The residents were great. It was nice feeling like people had to rely on me for something. My self worth was pretty high at the time. Still depressed and taking meds for it at the time but it was easier to hide. I'd spend like 8-12 hours "on" at work then come home and just brain off until I had to go back to work.
Apartment increased rent and I just wasn't able to afford it. I figured I'd been at the nursing home long enough and my job duties had changed so much since I got there that I was due a raise of some kind. I was told that funds were frozen for personnel and to basically get fucked. I put in my two weeks then and there and just said that I literally couldn't afford to live where I was at at that pay. Had to move back to my Father's place where I originally left which was just embarrassing. I felt so defeated. I'm grateful he allowed me to come back but he was just as emotionally abusive as ever. I stopped taking care of myself entirely. I'd wait until he was asleep to get food from the kitchen because I couldn't handle whatever conversation we'd have if he saw me. Never left my room. Sometimes went a week without ever speaking to anybody. Ended up gaining a lot of weight to the point I couldn't really physically do much. So getting a job doing physical labor wouldn't be possible without a lot of work. This was all right before Covid really hit.
It was that way for a few years until 2023. I never ended up finding another job. I had started to look when I first got back but was just so emotionally done with everything I stopped altogether. I kept telling myself I had to get better and find work but ultimately just fucked off for the whole day instead of looking. There's the self sabotage I knew so well. My Father had guns in the house and I had convinced him I was fine to be around them. We lived in a pretty shitty part of town so he wanted me to know where everything was/how to get them if someone tried to break in or something. I battled with not ending things so many times. I've mentioned in another post that I regret not doing it then. Also keep in mind during this entire period I've pushed every friend away from me save for one online friend I knew for a decade or so but had never met.
That friend reaches out and says they want to get me out of my Father's place because clearly things aren't going well and they're afraid I'm just going to end up dead if I stay there. So we talk in discord planning things with him, his fiance, and a friend of theirs who we just added to the call to have a fourth so we could play something while talking. Their friend and I ended up hitting it off pretty well. She had a similar sense of humor to me, loved horror movies, and had a similar taste in music. Loved all the games I did too so finding something to play was easy. Things were starting to look up again. So we get everything planned out for me to move there. Again a few states away. At this point the friend and I had been talking on our own for a while and started a relationship before I got there. She volunteered to come pick me up and drive me back. It was a 28 hour drive one way. I was thankful she even offered to do that. The road trip was nice. I did feel guilty leaving my Father on such short notice, but he was okay with it. He agreed that I needed to have a change of location to maybe feel better.
I arrive at the new place and things were going well emotionally for a little bit. Had some people to talk to daily that also understood mental health issues so they understood if I just needed some time to not exist for a bit. Things with girlfriend are going well too. I go full force into trying to find work but am just getting denied constantly due to my gap in work history. I start to get depressed again and put less and less work into finding a job. This goes on for honestly an entire year. Friend and his fiance have completely pulled away from me at this point. Girlfriend also starting to. Don't hear from her for days at a time and when I do it's a message or two before getting ghosted again. Eventually she ends things with me. Just said she doesn't have time to put energy into a relationship. She might be telling the truth but my brain says the timing is too close to everyone else pulling away. I'm a fairly paranoid person in general so it's hard to shut those feelings down. Three days after she breaks up with me the friend tells me that it has been too long and I'm just making things harder on them and am causing stress and anxiety. They tell me I have to move back to my Father's place or figure something else out.
So here we are present day. I have until the end of the month to either figure out how I'm going to get back to my Father's place, or end things. I'm leaning closer to ctb since I don't think I can financially even get back there.
