Emily_Numb
Wizard
- Jan 14, 2020
- 654
Having been in and out of hospital for quite a few piss poor, wrong concoction OD attempts this past couple of weeks, on Friday 13th November, after having my Amitriptyline in the house for 2 days I decided this was the day.
I had an evening of drinking champagne at home, about a bottle and a half, went and had a shower, blow dried my hair, put on clean clothes and a bit of makeup then sat in the stairs of my house and popped all the pills out of their blister packs which took ages and threw them in my mouth with water, it was a fair few handfuls, no pause, no real emotion about it, no 'I'm sorry' notes, just total tunnel vision that this was the end and I was fine with that.
I have absolutely no problem in taking pills. I have barely any gag reflex after years of bulimia so the quantity was never going to bother me. Ami are small pills anyway. I hadn't eaten all day so nothing to get in the way.
My husband was asleep downstairs and then I realised that he was simply going to find me dead, top floor of the house and that would never leave him. So after about 20 minutes, I decided to call the Crisis line and ask them to call me an ambulance as I knew this was going to be a fatal dose. I just didn't want to die in my house. I told the ambulance I would meet them outside my house which is utterly ridiculous, I was on the top floor, would involve me dragging my ass down 3 flights and then get through the locked front door and climb more stairs to the street.
I've taken smaller doses of Ami before but NOTHING like this amount. In my experience, it gets processed FAST. Within 30 minutes I was at the state of Leonardo Dicaprio in the Wolf of Wall Street Quaalude scene. An absolute dribbling vegetable, foaming at the mouth and practically paralysed. I managed to drag myself to the floor my husband was on who found me and called an ambulance. It's not that I didn't want to die, it's that I realised I didn't want to die at home because it would also remind my husband of it when he saw where he found me, people who visted, it would be known as the house where that woman killed herself. Something I never thought of until it was too late.
I heard the paramedics turn up but couldn't see anything. There was no pain, no vomiting, no convulsing, just this desire to sleep. I would say it actually felt good because I knew I'd never pushed it to this point. I knew this time I'd done it properly. The relief washed over me and the world faded to black.
Until 2 days later, I was roused by an intubation tube being pulled out of my oesophagus, feeling it scratch the inside of my throat. I'd been gone for 2 days. Loaded up with feeding tubes, catethers, absolutely tripping my balls off because that happens when you OD and come back out the other side. I was having visual hallucinations in ICU, I was trying to talk to my dog, then my dog was on the bed with me and I was stroking him. I looked at my hands and they were blue. Every inch of my skin looked blue. I thought I was a Smurf. This wasn't hallucinating anymore, this was pure delirium. Fucking weirdly amazing but also quite terrifying.
After 3 nights in ICU I was moved into a respiratory ward. The Ami has totally fucked my Blood pressure, heart trace not to mention a slightly collapsed lung from the intubation tube. 3 nights I spent there being seen my specialists, mental health and medical. When I arrived inA&E and went straight to ICU I was a 6 on the Glasgow Coma Scale. It starts at 15 which is mild and goes to 3 which is brain dead.
Today I was discharged. I have serotonin syndrome as a result of the huge amounts of this drug. It's hideous but treatable over time. Lots of shakes, anxiety, palpitations - I'm sure you all know the drill on that one. I also have memory problems, massive guilt, massive amounts of trauma as a result of going through this and coming out the other side alive. It has changed my life.
I am sure some armchair experts are now going to come along at tell me I needed to take a benzodiazepine (you don't) along with a whole host of other feedback. I'm not looking for a critique. I am simply sharing my experience like I have done with my previous so called 'pathetic' 'you're lying' attempts.
3 Doctors told me they have never seen anyone survive that large of a dose of amitriptyline. I am not going to say the exact dose because I am not giving advice on how to CTB. It was A LOT of pills. We are talking grams not mg. there are resources that will tell you fatal amounts. They are not always accurate put it that way.
The crazy thing is I ordered two lots of Ami from 2 different retailers. This was the first package to arrive was 4 x LESS than my second delivery. The day I came out of ICU the second package arrived. Had it arrived first I would have taken that and I can categorically say, I would not be here writing this today.
For me it's been serendipitous. It's a sign. I wasn't supposed to die? Maybe I need to give recovery another chance? Surviving a genuine suicide attempt is such a fucking profound experience and I guess very few really get to experience it.
It has changed my life. CTB is no longer something I see in my future.
I had an evening of drinking champagne at home, about a bottle and a half, went and had a shower, blow dried my hair, put on clean clothes and a bit of makeup then sat in the stairs of my house and popped all the pills out of their blister packs which took ages and threw them in my mouth with water, it was a fair few handfuls, no pause, no real emotion about it, no 'I'm sorry' notes, just total tunnel vision that this was the end and I was fine with that.
I have absolutely no problem in taking pills. I have barely any gag reflex after years of bulimia so the quantity was never going to bother me. Ami are small pills anyway. I hadn't eaten all day so nothing to get in the way.
My husband was asleep downstairs and then I realised that he was simply going to find me dead, top floor of the house and that would never leave him. So after about 20 minutes, I decided to call the Crisis line and ask them to call me an ambulance as I knew this was going to be a fatal dose. I just didn't want to die in my house. I told the ambulance I would meet them outside my house which is utterly ridiculous, I was on the top floor, would involve me dragging my ass down 3 flights and then get through the locked front door and climb more stairs to the street.
I've taken smaller doses of Ami before but NOTHING like this amount. In my experience, it gets processed FAST. Within 30 minutes I was at the state of Leonardo Dicaprio in the Wolf of Wall Street Quaalude scene. An absolute dribbling vegetable, foaming at the mouth and practically paralysed. I managed to drag myself to the floor my husband was on who found me and called an ambulance. It's not that I didn't want to die, it's that I realised I didn't want to die at home because it would also remind my husband of it when he saw where he found me, people who visted, it would be known as the house where that woman killed herself. Something I never thought of until it was too late.
I heard the paramedics turn up but couldn't see anything. There was no pain, no vomiting, no convulsing, just this desire to sleep. I would say it actually felt good because I knew I'd never pushed it to this point. I knew this time I'd done it properly. The relief washed over me and the world faded to black.
Until 2 days later, I was roused by an intubation tube being pulled out of my oesophagus, feeling it scratch the inside of my throat. I'd been gone for 2 days. Loaded up with feeding tubes, catethers, absolutely tripping my balls off because that happens when you OD and come back out the other side. I was having visual hallucinations in ICU, I was trying to talk to my dog, then my dog was on the bed with me and I was stroking him. I looked at my hands and they were blue. Every inch of my skin looked blue. I thought I was a Smurf. This wasn't hallucinating anymore, this was pure delirium. Fucking weirdly amazing but also quite terrifying.
After 3 nights in ICU I was moved into a respiratory ward. The Ami has totally fucked my Blood pressure, heart trace not to mention a slightly collapsed lung from the intubation tube. 3 nights I spent there being seen my specialists, mental health and medical. When I arrived inA&E and went straight to ICU I was a 6 on the Glasgow Coma Scale. It starts at 15 which is mild and goes to 3 which is brain dead.
Today I was discharged. I have serotonin syndrome as a result of the huge amounts of this drug. It's hideous but treatable over time. Lots of shakes, anxiety, palpitations - I'm sure you all know the drill on that one. I also have memory problems, massive guilt, massive amounts of trauma as a result of going through this and coming out the other side alive. It has changed my life.
I am sure some armchair experts are now going to come along at tell me I needed to take a benzodiazepine (you don't) along with a whole host of other feedback. I'm not looking for a critique. I am simply sharing my experience like I have done with my previous so called 'pathetic' 'you're lying' attempts.
3 Doctors told me they have never seen anyone survive that large of a dose of amitriptyline. I am not going to say the exact dose because I am not giving advice on how to CTB. It was A LOT of pills. We are talking grams not mg. there are resources that will tell you fatal amounts. They are not always accurate put it that way.
The crazy thing is I ordered two lots of Ami from 2 different retailers. This was the first package to arrive was 4 x LESS than my second delivery. The day I came out of ICU the second package arrived. Had it arrived first I would have taken that and I can categorically say, I would not be here writing this today.
For me it's been serendipitous. It's a sign. I wasn't supposed to die? Maybe I need to give recovery another chance? Surviving a genuine suicide attempt is such a fucking profound experience and I guess very few really get to experience it.
It has changed my life. CTB is no longer something I see in my future.
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