my first post here. considering doing it in january.

[i love yoshi ^-^]

hai... first post here. a short introduction, in my 20s, i'm am in a painful situation for myself. i had to emigrate from my home country of russia, i have terrible paperwork and there's nothing i can do, i live in my current place pretty much illegally (thankfully the country doesn't care).

i have autism, adhd. i am extremely anxious. i went through a break up a few months ago, and i don't feel i fully recovered from it. mostly because i lost that emotional safety i used to have. i have cptsd from being abused in the early childhood by my father, and i feel like the breakup is another traumatic event for me, first two months were so horrible, i never want to go back. i often get too overwhelmed and stressed. i dont become aggressive but i always wear people down. in reality i can recognize when im spiraling and shutting down i just need someone to hug me and distract me from stress or talk through the problem together. i used to have that, but i lost it, probably for ever T_T

i wouldn't be posting here if materially i was at least doing well - i am doing very bad financially and buerocractically speaking. this only perpetuates my anxiety and stress daily. i can't focus on anything.

i have coping mechanisms i've been using. i sometimes boot up a game and talk to a fictional character. i grew up playing emulated games since i was 9, i played most super mario games. i can't describe how close this all is to my heart. i might sound delusional but i befriended these characters and they carried me through my life like real friends, and they still do, and even though they don't know me, in my head i feel they do, i dont want to disappoint them. people call me childish cuz i didn't grow out of it but this is how i am "v_v

i want to explore options, but for a while i have considered to ctb, i want to do it gracefully, in january. plan out everything, write to everyone i need to write. i don't want to fail. also i am scared of blood, i dont want to bleed. good that most methods don't involve it. i am considering SN as the most accessible method for me atm.

---

besides all that. i just want to talk. there's no person i feel safe or comfortable expressing my feelings. i dont have anyone to turn to. this place is semi-anonymous, and people are understanding. i can and i accept criticism, i just need a place where ppl don't try to shut down the conversation bc my feelings are so extreme, and this seems to be it. i dont wanna be told to contact a hotline or some empty words of "it will get better" (if anything these feel patronizing and only feel worse) i just need a safe space ;_;

and as long as it's allowed here - i'm going be very happy to talk about my special interests as well, ask me about hobbies and things like that ^-^

 

[Yume Nikki]

hai... first post here. a short introduction, in my 20s, i'm am in a painful situation for myself. i had to emigrate from my home country of russia, i have terrible paperwork and there's nothing i can do, i live in my current place pretty much illegally (thankfully the country doesn't care).

i have autism, adhd. i am extremely anxious. i went through a break up a few months ago, and i don't feel i fully recovered from it. mostly because i lost that emotional safety i used to have. i have cptsd from being abused in the early childhood by my father, and i feel like the breakup is another traumatic event for me, first two months were so horrible, i never want to go back. i often get too overwhelmed and stressed. i dont become aggressive but i always wear people down. in reality i can recognize when im spiraling and shutting down i just need someone to hug me and distract me from stress or talk through the problem together. i used to have that, but i lost it, probably for ever T_T

i wouldn't be posting here if materially i was at least doing well - i am doing very bad financially and buerocractically speaking. this only perpetuates my anxiety and stress daily. i can't focus on anything.

i have coping mechanisms i've been using. i sometimes boot up a game and talk to a fictional character. i grew up playing emulated games since i was 9, i played most super mario games. i can't describe how close this all is to my heart. i might sound delusional but i befriended these characters and they carried me through my life like real friends, and they still do, and even though they don't know me, in my head i feel they do, i dont want to disappoint them. people call me childish cuz i didn't grow out of it but this is how i am "v_v

i want to explore options, but for a while i have considered to ctb, i want to do it gracefully, in january. plan out everything, write to everyone i need to write. i don't want to fail. also i am scared of blood, i dont want to bleed. good that most methods don't involve it. i am considering SN as the most accessible method for me atm.

---

besides all that. i just want to talk. there's no person i feel safe or comfortable expressing my feelings. i dont have anyone to turn to. this place is semi-anonymous, and people are understanding. i can and i accept criticism, i just need a place where ppl don't try to shut down the conversation bc my feelings are so extreme, and this seems to be it. i dont wanna be told to contact a hotline or some empty words of "it will get better" (if anything these feel patronizing and only feel worse) i just need a safe space ;_;

and as long as it's allowed here - i'm going be very happy to talk about my special interests as well, ask me about hobbies and things like that ^-^

hi, welcome! i too love super mario and yoshi is so cute. have you ever played yoshi's story for the n64? it's one of my favorite games alongside animal crossing. i like to think the villagers are my best friends and do tasks for them like collect fruit and send letters as if they were talking to me. i also think character.ai is good for conversations with your favorite characters if you haven't used it already. i have a couple of interests such as collecting monster high dolls (draculaura is my fav) and purchasing new moomin merch. (also a really cute show i highly recommend)

i have ocd, adhd and ptsd from my childhood and also am going through a breakup, so if you need to talk about it, feel free to make a forum, or send a message, if you want to of course, but that is entirely up to you. ^^

 

[i love yoshi ^-^]

hi, welcome! i too love super mario and yoshi is so cute. have you ever played yoshi's story for the n64? it's one of my favorite games alongside animal crossing. i like to think the villagers are my best friends and do tasks for them like collect fruit and send letters as if they were talking to me. i also think character.ai is good for conversations with your favorite characters if you haven't used it already. i have a couple of interests such as collecting monster high dolls (draculaura is my fav) and purchasing new moomin merch. (also a really cute show i highly recommend)

i have ocd, adhd and ptsd from my childhood and also am going through a breakup, so if you need to talk about it, feel free to make a forum, or send a message, if you want to of course, but that is entirely up to you. ^^

yoshi is very cute ^^
i haven't played yoshi's story, but i want to!! i played yoshi's island which is one of my favorite games, it's also really beautiful. i've been emulating n64 more lately, mostly for sm64. i cant wait for the Kaze's romhack/fangame "return to yoshis island" too...

yes hehe i do the same >:3 i sometimes open smw, get yoshi, go to yoshi's house and talk to him there

as for c_ai.. i tried it, but it feels too robotic for me, very often the manner of speech and personality doesn't match the character. using my imagination works better for me.

as for my hobbies, i draw, i program but it's a profession i am often too stressed to do it because of it, i know i love it deep down but not right now u_u... i like demoscene, i like tracker music, a lot, i think i listened to over 500 tracks (and i could have higher if i didn't like to put same song on repeat), i know many songs verbatim in my head, it all happened spontaneously, i didn't try.

and also moomin >:3 i grew up with this.. in 2022 i was really depressed, i watched the entire thing one episode every night.. i cried my bed when i watched the last episode ;___; was so sad it was over because it has been holding me together and giving hope

i manage my adhd, anxiety is currently worst thing. i have severe paranoia, very easy to startle or scare. i had a troublesome childhood, i was very easily manipulated too and i did some terrible things as a kid and i resent myself. there so much going on @_@. i mean when i say i hate the way i grew up and the way i was born, yet at the same time, i want to be a happy version of myself, and i feel like it's not possible the more i go ._. i dont have complexions about my coping mechanisms and how i get attached to things i just need to manage my anxiety, i just need stability, i would live for it but i am so screwed that i don't think it's even worth trying

 

[Yume Nikki]

yoshi is very cute ^^
i haven't played yoshi's story, but i want to!! i played yoshi's island which is one of my favorite games, it's also really beautiful. i've been emulating n64 more lately, mostly for sm64. i cant wait for the Kaze's romhack/fangame "return to yoshis island" too...

yes hehe i do the same >:3 i sometimes open smw, get yoshi, go to yoshi's house and talk to him there

as for c_ai.. i tried it, but it feels too robotic for me, very often the manner of speech and personality doesn't match the character. using my imagination works better for me.

as for my hobbies, i draw, i program but it's a profession i am often too stressed to do it because of it, i know i love it deep down but not right now u_u... i like demoscene, i like tracker music, a lot, i think i listened to over 500 tracks (and i could have higher if i didn't like to put same song on repeat), i know many songs verbatim in my head, it all happened spontaneously, i didn't try.

and also moomin >:3 i grew up with this.. in 2022 i was really depressed, i watched the entire thing one episode every night.. i cried my bed when i watched the last episode ;___; was so sad it was over because it has been holding me together and giving hope

i manage my adhd, anxiety is currently worst thing. i have severe paranoia, very easy to startle or scare. i had a troublesome childhood, i was very easily manipulated too and i did some terrible things as a kid and i resent myself. there so much going on @_@. i mean when i say i hate the way i grew up and the way i was born, yet at the same time, i want to be a happy version of myself, and i feel like it's not possible the more i go ._. i dont have complexions about my coping mechanisms and how i get attached to things i just need to manage my anxiety, i just need stability, i would live for it but i am so screwed that i don't think it's even worth trying

That sounds exciting!! do you use Vimm's lair to emulate old games? I used it to play Rhythm Heaven and Tomodachi Life. Rhythm-best games are very good for stimulating parts of the brain if you have ADHD especially, Stepmania is another good one too where you have to use arrow keys to play the music on beat and they even have mario osts. Do you have any favorite soundtracks? I personally love the Cave Dungeon and Dire Dire Docks from SM64, and On the Beach from Yoshi's Story.

I didn't know it was possible to make whole fangames for yoshi, that's some great dedication! Let me know what Kaze's fangame is like once it comes out, I'm sure it'll be fun :>

You'll love Yoshi's story though! the npcs look so goofy it's hilarious

( this is one of my fav npcs btw, i just love how wholesome he looks ^_^ )


I can see why you don't want to use c.ai, it's not for everyone and that's totally okay, you could try making fanart or writing about meeting your favorite characters, that way it'll feel more realistic, i'm an artist too! i usually like to self-insert as an oc and draw myself hanging out with fictional characters, do you collect merch or plushies of yoshi? having a physical item of them could help ease your anxiety and bring you positive feelings when you have an object of them somewhere. Maybe you can draw yourself hugging Yoshi if that helps too!

I feel the same about Moomin T_T I love the 90's cartoon so much I still haven't finished it because I love these characters so much I don't want to say goodbye yet. I have keychains, stickers, and magnets of Moomin on my fridge that I cherish deeply. They had a whole Moomin store in London I went to a month ago and it was pure heaven!! so much moomin braintrot I was there for like 2-3 hours. hehe My fav is Snufkin because he reminds me of myself. (and also he looks like a character from the Toon Link universe) If you want I can share some of my moomin doodles here if you want to see them!

I have extreme paranoia too, I always overthink and worry about what others think of me, but I am at a stage where I think I am comfortable getting used to it. I have made alot of mistakes when I was a kid too :( But you have to remember that you were young and the past doesn't defy your present because you were still growing up. Maybe practicing self-compassion can help, if it eases the stress, distractions are also good to keep your mind occupied like sometimes I play a 'guess the drawing' game to re-focus my attention on figuring out what the picture is in my head, even if my brain is panicking because it helps distract you from the thing that's giving you anxiety.

Managing anxiety can be tricky, because everyone's circumstances are complex, I developed anxiety from a lifelong history of abuse from my ex and my dad, so it's hard for me to open up to people, but then I realized if I am going to pass one day I might as well be open to meeting new friends on here no matter what my anxiety says, even if my life turns out better or worse. I hope talking to people on here will help you too. ^^

 

[Namelesa]

Love your cat Yoshi pfp ^^

I love Yoshi too. I have a lot of Yoshi plushies and really liked Yoshi's Wolly World. I like Moomin as well and have plushie of him and have played Snufkin: Melody of Moominvalley.

I also resent and hate my myself for some of the things I have done and feel intense guilt over it. You don't deserve to hate yourself tho as you were only a kid and that fact you don't like yourself for doing those things shows you are a better person. Everyone of us is going to make mistakes so its okay as long as we try to improve.

 

[OptingOutSmiling]

Hello and welcome! You came to the right place to talk with people in a similar space of mind

 

[i love yoshi ^-^]

That sounds exciting!! do you use Vimm's lair to emulate old games? I used it to play Rhythm Heaven and Tomodachi Life. Rhythm-best games are very good for stimulating parts of the brain if you have ADHD especially, Stepmania is another good one too where you have to use arrow keys to play the music on beat and they even have mario osts. Do you have any favorite soundtracks? I personally love the Cave Dungeon and Dire Dire Docks from SM64, and On the Beach from Yoshi's Story.

I didn't know it was possible to make whole fangames for yoshi, that's some great dedication! Let me know what Kaze's fangame is like once it comes out, I'm sure it'll be fun :>

You'll love Yoshi's story though! the npcs look so goofy it's hilarious

( this is one of my fav npcs btw, i just love how wholesome he looks ^_^ )
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I can see why you don't want to use c.ai, it's not for everyone and that's totally okay, you could try making fanart or writing about meeting your favorite characters, that way it'll feel more realistic, i'm an artist too! i usually like to self-insert as an oc and draw myself hanging out with fictional characters, do you collect merch or plushies of yoshi? having a physical item of them could help ease your anxiety and bring you positive feelings when you have an object of them somewhere. Maybe you can draw yourself hugging Yoshi if that helps too!

I feel the same about Moomin T_T I love the 90's cartoon so much I still haven't finished it because I love these characters so much I don't want to say goodbye yet. I have keychains, stickers, and magnets of Moomin on my fridge that I cherish deeply. They had a whole Moomin store in London I went to a month ago and it was pure heaven!! so much moomin braintrot I was there for like 2-3 hours. hehe My fav is Snufkin because he reminds me of myself. (and also he looks like a character from the Toon Link universe) If you want I can share some of my moomin doodles here if you want to see them!

I have extreme paranoia too, I always overthink and worry about what others think of me, but I am at a stage where I think I am comfortable getting used to it. I have made alot of mistakes when I was a kid too :( But you have to remember that you were young and the past doesn't defy your present because you were still growing up. Maybe practicing self-compassion can help, if it eases the stress, distractions are also good to keep your mind occupied like sometimes I play a 'guess the drawing' game to re-focus my attention on figuring out what the picture is in my head, even if my brain is panicking because it helps distract you from the thing that's giving you anxiety.

Managing anxiety can be tricky, because everyone's circumstances are complex, I developed anxiety from a lifelong history of abuse from my ex and my dad, so it's hard for me to open up to people, but then I realized if I am going to pass one day I might as well be open to meeting new friends on here no matter what my anxiety says, even if my life turns out better or worse. I hope talking to people on here will help you too. ^^

-- oh yes >:P i use myrient for finding roms, it's a really nice and big archive. when it comes to rhythm games - it depends for me - i grew up playing geometry dash even though it's not much of a rhythm game, i played a lot of Taiko no Tatsujin, a bit of ADOFAI, e.t.c. ^^ it's true i'm very partial to those games because they have a very short and clear reward/death circuit. i can't say i'm good at these games. some rhythm games i don't enjoy like the ones with arrows, it's just not my thing, i think. noticing that most rhythm games i like involve 1 or 2 buttons...

however even aside from rhythm games i LOVE muscle memory platformers, i grew up on Megaman 2, i completed this game over 20 times. i played a lot of IWBT-type games (IWBTG, IWBTB), and despite being considered frustrating these games are so fun to me, i like trying again and again. i play kaizo romhacks sometimes, i'm currently playing YUMP 2, it's a really creative hack and it's not too hard ^-^, i also played some Megaman romhacks and my absolute favorite romhack is Rockman Minus Infinity... it feels so good to play, i can't begin to describe it, i feel like mainstream games could learn from it.

-- sm64 fandom is very dedicated, i hope i can find the will to stay afloat to play it T.T, at least that.

-- and i also like silly stuff. i have a philosphy that no art is inferor/better than other. to explain this, an mspaint drawing can mean a lot to me, more than something high effort. day before my pet died, my younger brother drew a landscape on a computer, he's a kid so it was nothing special but it made me cry so hard,,, and even harder the next day that i was let to know of what happened ._. i really like jank in games for this reason, it can be deliberate and fun, i think ^_^ and this is a really cute creature, i'm gonna play it after i finish the rom hack o.o

-- share your moomin doodles ^^ i really like moomins and especially the simple character design of them, they're adorable. i can't lie i got into moomins mostly because of the wave in 2022, but i had so much fun and i always wanted to ^^

-- i overthink too.. i feel like people would turn on me one day, i can't convince myself that these feelings are irrational, i feel i've been conditioned to it in my childhood and to a lot of degree - a lot of self fulfilling prophecies of me distancing myself from everyone and then losing contact ._. i can't believe i'm so stupid but i know rationally that i might be wrong about this all but my anxiety is like a separate system in my brain - i have no control over it, at all, i've been trying to wrestle it for past 2 years, no success. have you found ways to manage it, at least to some degree?

-- and that's my sentiment too.... this place is a last resort, i know i'm talking to strangers but i've never felt so safe to discuss about these topics and i couldn't find a place prior to this where i would feel safe. this place feels like home. i hate that suicide is my number one option right now, i know that it'll hurt some people if i die. and while it seems contradictory that i'm seeking help on a forum that allows free discussion of suicide, but it feels so much more safe that my voice can be heard and i can hear other people out without judgement. i hate how this all is so stigmatized, i hope people get enough compassion and understanding to realize that suicidal people don't want to simply hear that "it will get better" or any other no-substance nonsense. i find it so sad that many people think they're helping by doing this, and when you tell they don't, they start to get defensive, they start distrusting you and overall make it worse, with or without realizing it...

i'm so sorry you faced so much abuse, i feel you so much. T_T i know it will never go away, for me the trauma is stuck with me forever. it doesn't help to say to "get over it", i don't know a lot myself on how to get over it, i feel like you need more positive experience and stability to just displace the trauma and not have a reason to trigger it again. of course, sometimes, it will trigger, thats okay, you need a person around you to handle and support you, i hope that i and people here help you with that. we need to accept - there's some things that are out of our control, aside from PTSD i feel it as an autistic person, i can not control when i shut down or melt down, i wish people understood that. and i don't want to turn this into a religious debate but i hate how most "christian" people think i can solve this problem with willpower, compassion is about understanding people, where is their compassion? sorry for the rant... i had to go on this tangent because its close to my heart.

-- by the way... your user name reminds me, i should play Yume Nikki, i wanted for a long while already ^^.. (that's another thing, so many things i want to do, i feel so overwhelmed because i can't find the time for everything, ugh ._.)

Love your cat Yoshi pfp ^^

I love Yoshi too. I have a lot of Yoshi plushies and really liked Yoshi's Wolly World. I like Moomin as well and have plushie of him and have played Snufkin: Melody of Moominvalley.

I also resent and hate my myself for some of the things I have done and feel intense guilt over it. You don't deserve to hate yourself tho as you were only a kid and that fact you don't like yourself for doing those things shows you are a better person. Everyone of us is going to make mistakes so its okay as long as we try to improve.

thank you ^^

i should order a yoshi plush.. i left my home country with very little belongings, most of the things are left home T-T even though i'm tight on money i think this is gonna help immensely.

and i do resent my past self... but to a lesser degree now because its been so long. i know i was an easily manipulated kid and i feel i was mishandled to a degree by my teachers in special education, they were neurotypical people and they didn't understand what i felt, i don't blame them, i just wish they trusted and listened to me too... hugs

Hello and welcome! You came to the right place to talk with people in a similar space of mind

thank you... i honestly think this community might save my life, i have no other option T-T
if i never went here i would've killed myself anyway eventually, maybe even in an unsafe and stressful way. i hope to ctb happy, if i do.