Gray Wounds
A Phantasmagoria
- Jun 27, 2018
- 575
Hi. It is me again.
I have a female human friend who is always there beside me. She knew about my doing SH and overdosing trips all along and somehow, she tries to alleviate the pain I have physically and emotionally by just staying there and sometimes, she tells me this very sentence, "I won't stop you from doing that. It is your life anyway. But, I'll just be here for you as your friend." which sounds more comforting enough to know that I do not have to discard her from my life the way I did to everyone.
Then one day came the year 2017 while we are on a writing competition, things have gone too far beyond my control due to my fear of not having done my best enough to win it, and somehow, fail to encounter my other friend who holds meaning to me too. I was so devastated the moment I finished writing and ate none. While she's no where to be found and I do not want to even look for her (we had a fight that morning because her category is the same as mine and it is not her forte, let alone the fact that she and I will compete each other). That moment, I looked for the only thing that could actually calm my situation down, the blade. But I failed to bring one with me that time. And so, a few more minutes passed by and she came to me carrying food as a peace offering. I took it, not for the satisfaction of eating it but because I need her to see that I am fine.
But then, I just happen to cry and cry and cry in anger of everything. And I just can't bring myself to being calm again. What was it called? Ah. Emotional breakdown is it? Well, she stayed with me and tried to woo me by telling me that I will win. That we will win.
Somehow, I stopped and then we got ourselves out of that place to eat. Well, we did not actually eat anything because I spoiled the mood. Then, when our pack decided to head back to the competition, I told my friend that I would like to buy something from a school supplies store, motioning for her to go first without me. But she insisted to come and so I took her with me. I bought a blade. And her eyes at that moment displayed shock and fear as she tells me this, "(my name) don't! Don't do it! You will win! We will!" I just smiled at her and we then proceeded back to the place.
While walking, I told her that I need to go to the comfort room and pee (which is true because I am not going to cut there, the blade is meant to be used the moment I get myself home in fear that my mom have discovered the rest of my remaining blades again and threw them away) and asked her if she would like to come with me. But then she acted out and said, "You'll do it again. I know you will. It's your life anyway." and then we spoke no more words to each other until she disappeared from my sight for a moment.
Then I saw her again sitting on a corner. And I gathered up all of my courage to face her and managed to say, "Hey. What's wrong? Let's eat?" but when she replied, I already saw the outcome of my rash decisions, "I do not know how you feel because I am not you." and then, she left again, only to come back with her hand on her wrist, asking for my help, saying, "(my name) it hurts. It hurts." Then she ran away again and I tried to ran to her. But then, a voice in my head kept on telling me, "To what end?", making me stop from chasing her, letting her vanish into the crowd. And I guess, she vanished then. Forever.
I was a mess after that. I do not know what to do. Her image kept on flashing in my mind, the blood on her wrist, the cut, her tears, her eyes, the intensified clamour of the crowd, the blankness of my mind, her back turned on me, and her voice. I thought I was going insane and so, I used the blade to cut a quick, deep one on my left wrist as a punishment. I'm wearing a jacket so the risk of it being seen is low. And she only wears a t-shirt which means that her wound might be discovered.
The cut isn't enough to silence my mind and so I did it again, four times until strength threatens to leave my body again.
"There is but one other option though. Tell your teachers." said my mind to me. And I obeyed. But my friend's already home, they said. And in addition, they asked me to just pray for her safety. A derision to my beliefs. And they kept on satiating themselves with the thought of her act without actually coming up with an idea to help her. That moment, I just sat together with them, my visage blank, expressionless, and every sound seems to be muted at that moment. I enjoyed that time of solitude. Until my phone beeped and I received a message from her saying, "Do you hate me? Do you not like me as a friend anymore? Why didn't you follow me? I was scared. Do you not want me anymore? It's okay, I'll understand that. Just don't tell anyone about this okay?"
I told my two female teachers not to utter a single word of this to my friend and they kept their word. I asked them if I could go to her and one of them accompanied me outside. She said, "I just don't want you to blame yourself for this. Just... let's just pray for her. And---" but I am not interested at her blabbering anymore. I just want to rest. And somehow, she took hint of that and stopped.
Then I went to my friend's place and saw her cuts tended. Somehow, I've managed to tell her that I want her as a friend still and blah blah. Empty words coming from an empty being. And she promised me that she will never do it again. Which I hope is fulfilled.
Lately this May, she and I drank alcohol and I come to this point where its power is already beyond my capacity to control. I told her how much I love her and how much I was devastated at that time. And she seemed to have been touched by that, by she I mean the one who disappeared forever in the crowd, and I know that somehow, I touched her back to life too. Now I am hiding things from her, and I am always suspecting her and is always in fear for her safety. This too, is another of my struggle. I just won't die but now I am urging others to without knowing it. Damn.
I have a female human friend who is always there beside me. She knew about my doing SH and overdosing trips all along and somehow, she tries to alleviate the pain I have physically and emotionally by just staying there and sometimes, she tells me this very sentence, "I won't stop you from doing that. It is your life anyway. But, I'll just be here for you as your friend." which sounds more comforting enough to know that I do not have to discard her from my life the way I did to everyone.
Then one day came the year 2017 while we are on a writing competition, things have gone too far beyond my control due to my fear of not having done my best enough to win it, and somehow, fail to encounter my other friend who holds meaning to me too. I was so devastated the moment I finished writing and ate none. While she's no where to be found and I do not want to even look for her (we had a fight that morning because her category is the same as mine and it is not her forte, let alone the fact that she and I will compete each other). That moment, I looked for the only thing that could actually calm my situation down, the blade. But I failed to bring one with me that time. And so, a few more minutes passed by and she came to me carrying food as a peace offering. I took it, not for the satisfaction of eating it but because I need her to see that I am fine.
But then, I just happen to cry and cry and cry in anger of everything. And I just can't bring myself to being calm again. What was it called? Ah. Emotional breakdown is it? Well, she stayed with me and tried to woo me by telling me that I will win. That we will win.
Somehow, I stopped and then we got ourselves out of that place to eat. Well, we did not actually eat anything because I spoiled the mood. Then, when our pack decided to head back to the competition, I told my friend that I would like to buy something from a school supplies store, motioning for her to go first without me. But she insisted to come and so I took her with me. I bought a blade. And her eyes at that moment displayed shock and fear as she tells me this, "(my name) don't! Don't do it! You will win! We will!" I just smiled at her and we then proceeded back to the place.
While walking, I told her that I need to go to the comfort room and pee (which is true because I am not going to cut there, the blade is meant to be used the moment I get myself home in fear that my mom have discovered the rest of my remaining blades again and threw them away) and asked her if she would like to come with me. But then she acted out and said, "You'll do it again. I know you will. It's your life anyway." and then we spoke no more words to each other until she disappeared from my sight for a moment.
Then I saw her again sitting on a corner. And I gathered up all of my courage to face her and managed to say, "Hey. What's wrong? Let's eat?" but when she replied, I already saw the outcome of my rash decisions, "I do not know how you feel because I am not you." and then, she left again, only to come back with her hand on her wrist, asking for my help, saying, "(my name) it hurts. It hurts." Then she ran away again and I tried to ran to her. But then, a voice in my head kept on telling me, "To what end?", making me stop from chasing her, letting her vanish into the crowd. And I guess, she vanished then. Forever.
I was a mess after that. I do not know what to do. Her image kept on flashing in my mind, the blood on her wrist, the cut, her tears, her eyes, the intensified clamour of the crowd, the blankness of my mind, her back turned on me, and her voice. I thought I was going insane and so, I used the blade to cut a quick, deep one on my left wrist as a punishment. I'm wearing a jacket so the risk of it being seen is low. And she only wears a t-shirt which means that her wound might be discovered.
The cut isn't enough to silence my mind and so I did it again, four times until strength threatens to leave my body again.
"There is but one other option though. Tell your teachers." said my mind to me. And I obeyed. But my friend's already home, they said. And in addition, they asked me to just pray for her safety. A derision to my beliefs. And they kept on satiating themselves with the thought of her act without actually coming up with an idea to help her. That moment, I just sat together with them, my visage blank, expressionless, and every sound seems to be muted at that moment. I enjoyed that time of solitude. Until my phone beeped and I received a message from her saying, "Do you hate me? Do you not like me as a friend anymore? Why didn't you follow me? I was scared. Do you not want me anymore? It's okay, I'll understand that. Just don't tell anyone about this okay?"
I told my two female teachers not to utter a single word of this to my friend and they kept their word. I asked them if I could go to her and one of them accompanied me outside. She said, "I just don't want you to blame yourself for this. Just... let's just pray for her. And---" but I am not interested at her blabbering anymore. I just want to rest. And somehow, she took hint of that and stopped.
Then I went to my friend's place and saw her cuts tended. Somehow, I've managed to tell her that I want her as a friend still and blah blah. Empty words coming from an empty being. And she promised me that she will never do it again. Which I hope is fulfilled.
Lately this May, she and I drank alcohol and I come to this point where its power is already beyond my capacity to control. I told her how much I love her and how much I was devastated at that time. And she seemed to have been touched by that, by she I mean the one who disappeared forever in the crowd, and I know that somehow, I touched her back to life too. Now I am hiding things from her, and I am always suspecting her and is always in fear for her safety. This too, is another of my struggle. I just won't die but now I am urging others to without knowing it. Damn.
