lavenderlilylies
Member
- Sep 24, 2024
- 68
I know this isn't of anybody's interest, but I wanted to put my plans into text. feel free to critique or judge, I'm not so sure about them anyway.
If nothing goes extremely sideways, I'll be graduating within a year. I've grown to realize my options are pretty limited, so the best scenario for me is a mere compromise, if i can't even have that, I'm going to ctb.
Ideally, I want to get married as soon as possible. In my case the only way for me to leave my parents house without completely breaking ties with everyone I know is to get married (arranged marriage probably in my case). Thankfully, I'm bisexual, so i can see a future where i at least can tolerate marrying a random man. There are a lot of issues with that, which I'll get into, but anything is better than spending the rest of my life here. But of course, I'll most likely be pretending to be someone I'm not for the rest of my life.
It's a far fetched dream for me to find someone I'm compatible with. Or even someone who'll marry me for me not just to have a child making machine. So I'm not wishing for love when I'm not even sure a guy would settle for me in the first place. Especially that my boundaries might be considered radical, them being:
1. Share expenses AND domestic labor
2. To have a conversation and actually think, plan, and decide before reproducing
3. I don't want any children, but that's impossible, so 2 max
4. More freedom in things I'm allowed to wear
5. To wait at least a year before having kids (could be the dealbreaker for a lot of them)
My stance on children is: i love kids, i know I'm patient with them and in a perfect world i would've 100% loved to have them. But we don't live in a perfect world.
I know my decision might be selfish to some, to have kids although I believe this world isn't fit for them, I'm only willing to have a child when I know I can provide for them and my actual desires to not have them isn't coming out of a place of not being capable or not wanting to raise kids. I do feel guilty for going against my beliefs but if I don't find a man who also doesn't want kids, I will do everything I can to give them a better life than mine.
So I'm giving myself a year after graduating, if this doesn't happen and I'm still here with no way out, I'm going to ctb.
If nothing goes extremely sideways, I'll be graduating within a year. I've grown to realize my options are pretty limited, so the best scenario for me is a mere compromise, if i can't even have that, I'm going to ctb.
Ideally, I want to get married as soon as possible. In my case the only way for me to leave my parents house without completely breaking ties with everyone I know is to get married (arranged marriage probably in my case). Thankfully, I'm bisexual, so i can see a future where i at least can tolerate marrying a random man. There are a lot of issues with that, which I'll get into, but anything is better than spending the rest of my life here. But of course, I'll most likely be pretending to be someone I'm not for the rest of my life.
It's a far fetched dream for me to find someone I'm compatible with. Or even someone who'll marry me for me not just to have a child making machine. So I'm not wishing for love when I'm not even sure a guy would settle for me in the first place. Especially that my boundaries might be considered radical, them being:
1. Share expenses AND domestic labor
2. To have a conversation and actually think, plan, and decide before reproducing
3. I don't want any children, but that's impossible, so 2 max
4. More freedom in things I'm allowed to wear
5. To wait at least a year before having kids (could be the dealbreaker for a lot of them)
My stance on children is: i love kids, i know I'm patient with them and in a perfect world i would've 100% loved to have them. But we don't live in a perfect world.
I know my decision might be selfish to some, to have kids although I believe this world isn't fit for them, I'm only willing to have a child when I know I can provide for them and my actual desires to not have them isn't coming out of a place of not being capable or not wanting to raise kids. I do feel guilty for going against my beliefs but if I don't find a man who also doesn't want kids, I will do everything I can to give them a better life than mine.
So I'm giving myself a year after graduating, if this doesn't happen and I'm still here with no way out, I'm going to ctb.