ADD-diagnosed, undiagnosed throughout school. failed almost everything academic. inattentive, often called slow. dopamine circuitry was fried during this period, as i spent all waking hours outside of class playing videogames, never studying nor socializing. went through school in a constant haze. by the end of it, i had left with a less than stellar ranking, which meant that i could not go to university. worked for a few years, learnt all that i could during this period. realized that i had learnt nothing in school, not even the basics. would make simple mistakes at all my blue-collar jobs. felt like trying to navigate in the dark.
re-educated myself, but almost to no avail. the critical period of neuro-plasticity during my developmental years had long become fixed, and without the aid of medication i was easily below 80iq points. not only in the lack of concepts, but in a lack of analytic ability, such as dyscalculia. medication restores me to a baseline level of functionality.
things started to pick up again after i started taking stimulants, which really opened my eyes to everything that i had missed out on. things could have been different, but i was left subject to the will of adults who felt that i merely needed to pull up my bootstraps, in the old neoliberal fashion that decries complete surrender to the antagonistic forces of competition.
i don't understand the dialogue which leads to guilt-tripping and crying victimhood on the part of adults who i have spoken to in the past on this issue. they treat it as something which i need to accept, that if it isn't laziness, then it is mental retardation, which i am supposed to just accept. then i suggest that this would serve as a good rationale for suicide, in that the burden of recognizing how unintelligent one is would be unbearable, seemingly revealed in momentary bursts of cognizance. no, you should keep living. it's unfair to others.
it's so circular. you don't offer proper support early on, assign blame to those who are chalked up to be retarded, lazy or whatever pejorative remark fits the bill, then claim that no, actually, you have a responsibility to your family, that your problems are selfish, impersonal retorts from a juvenile mind, and that you should continue to live for the sake of others. no, you have to pull up your bootstraps again!
i'm in no position to give, and certainly not in a position to compete with others, of whom have been bred into suitable conditions for learning, socializing, etc., all of which are things that i can't organically obtain without going the extra mile, constantly theorycrafting shortcuts which, at the end of the day, i can't implement. without the use of medication, i am sluggish, retarded, lame. i've tried so far to fill in the blanks, but it's, again, a miles-long road. recently, i've had no energy to do anything, probably due to depression. medication only dulls my senses now.
honestly, i really envy people that are in university. i feel like i've been dealt such an unfair hand. i know that i shouldn't sink into my own victimhood, but i can't help but be spurred on by antipathy for this fucking rat-race. i just wish things had been different
don't know if this will make sense. i'm typing in a fog right now. only thing i know for certain is this: i fucking hate my life, my past, my future. i want to die.
re-educated myself, but almost to no avail. the critical period of neuro-plasticity during my developmental years had long become fixed, and without the aid of medication i was easily below 80iq points. not only in the lack of concepts, but in a lack of analytic ability, such as dyscalculia. medication restores me to a baseline level of functionality.
things started to pick up again after i started taking stimulants, which really opened my eyes to everything that i had missed out on. things could have been different, but i was left subject to the will of adults who felt that i merely needed to pull up my bootstraps, in the old neoliberal fashion that decries complete surrender to the antagonistic forces of competition.
i don't understand the dialogue which leads to guilt-tripping and crying victimhood on the part of adults who i have spoken to in the past on this issue. they treat it as something which i need to accept, that if it isn't laziness, then it is mental retardation, which i am supposed to just accept. then i suggest that this would serve as a good rationale for suicide, in that the burden of recognizing how unintelligent one is would be unbearable, seemingly revealed in momentary bursts of cognizance. no, you should keep living. it's unfair to others.
it's so circular. you don't offer proper support early on, assign blame to those who are chalked up to be retarded, lazy or whatever pejorative remark fits the bill, then claim that no, actually, you have a responsibility to your family, that your problems are selfish, impersonal retorts from a juvenile mind, and that you should continue to live for the sake of others. no, you have to pull up your bootstraps again!
i'm in no position to give, and certainly not in a position to compete with others, of whom have been bred into suitable conditions for learning, socializing, etc., all of which are things that i can't organically obtain without going the extra mile, constantly theorycrafting shortcuts which, at the end of the day, i can't implement. without the use of medication, i am sluggish, retarded, lame. i've tried so far to fill in the blanks, but it's, again, a miles-long road. recently, i've had no energy to do anything, probably due to depression. medication only dulls my senses now.
honestly, i really envy people that are in university. i feel like i've been dealt such an unfair hand. i know that i shouldn't sink into my own victimhood, but i can't help but be spurred on by antipathy for this fucking rat-race. i just wish things had been different
don't know if this will make sense. i'm typing in a fog right now. only thing i know for certain is this: i fucking hate my life, my past, my future. i want to die.
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