Lavínia
plalace
- Feb 19, 2024
- 74
Hi, I would like to share a plan I recently formulated. To give more context, I'll take the opportunity to tell a little of my story (I'm sorry if it's too long).
I've always had a lot of problems dealing with other people, from anxiety to not having an exact idea of what I wanted from interactions. After a long time, I identified what I have as simply fear. Everything that involves human contact, be it conversations, expressions, actions and looks, I experience extreme agony. It could be anything, even a speech without much depth causes me enormous pain and stress. I learned to disguise it very well, I think it's natural when you always live like this. I only started to identify and realize this when I finished school, and I was able to remain calm for a long time being alone without these interactions. This fear, this agony, never stops, never. In good times, I feel it slightly, as if it were a warning for me to remain alert, and in bad times, it just amplifies everything.
I'm afraid of being hurt by bad people, and also of ending up hurting good people. There's no break. It's pain and anguish every second. The solution I found for this whole thing was suicide, to put an end to it soon.
I gave myself three years left to live, at the moment, I still have 980 days left. In that time I will live normally, enjoying what I can and holding on as long as I can. I haven't decided yet if I'm going to try to "take more risks", or try to be more selfish to this time worth more, or just continue the way I am. I plan to go to a remote location that I search, in the woods and a little unknown. I would tie a rope to a tree, climb onto a stool, and while leaving the knot already tied around my neck, I would cut my veins. That way, after having managed to cut it, i would kick the bench and be suspended by hanging. I thought it was good at first because it was two methods together, bleeding and suffocation, and I'm still confident that it can work. I don't have any major problems with physical pain per se, I'm even used to it due to self-harm.
And that's it, I need to hold on just a little longer, until the date arrives.
It's my first post here, so I'd like to record my initial idea.
I've always had a lot of problems dealing with other people, from anxiety to not having an exact idea of what I wanted from interactions. After a long time, I identified what I have as simply fear. Everything that involves human contact, be it conversations, expressions, actions and looks, I experience extreme agony. It could be anything, even a speech without much depth causes me enormous pain and stress. I learned to disguise it very well, I think it's natural when you always live like this. I only started to identify and realize this when I finished school, and I was able to remain calm for a long time being alone without these interactions. This fear, this agony, never stops, never. In good times, I feel it slightly, as if it were a warning for me to remain alert, and in bad times, it just amplifies everything.
I'm afraid of being hurt by bad people, and also of ending up hurting good people. There's no break. It's pain and anguish every second. The solution I found for this whole thing was suicide, to put an end to it soon.
I gave myself three years left to live, at the moment, I still have 980 days left. In that time I will live normally, enjoying what I can and holding on as long as I can. I haven't decided yet if I'm going to try to "take more risks", or try to be more selfish to this time worth more, or just continue the way I am. I plan to go to a remote location that I search, in the woods and a little unknown. I would tie a rope to a tree, climb onto a stool, and while leaving the knot already tied around my neck, I would cut my veins. That way, after having managed to cut it, i would kick the bench and be suspended by hanging. I thought it was good at first because it was two methods together, bleeding and suffocation, and I'm still confident that it can work. I don't have any major problems with physical pain per se, I'm even used to it due to self-harm.
And that's it, I need to hold on just a little longer, until the date arrives.
It's my first post here, so I'd like to record my initial idea.
