houseofleaves
and this with thee remains.
- Jan 14, 2022
- 550
Yesterday, by the way, I dreamed of a very suitable place, quite high, it was all gray concrete; everything was ready, it was only necessary to climb up and jump — and at that moment I "remembered" that I had some unfinished business left, I began to invent silly excuses… — but why? why didn't I want to leave, even quickly, even in my sleep? Is it really just because it's so nice to lie in bed, to eat, to dress beautifully?
All that awaits me is just a decline. Well, failure is never a crime; failure is never a crime, failure is not a vice. That's all my consolation, given to me thrice.
Victory has many friends. Losing exists in silence. People try not to notice you, not to touch you. The entrance to the world is off limits for you — and this entrance has always been off limits for me personally.
"What are you hoping for?" was the question with which they interrogated me many times in my childhood; and inside my head i always answered that i hope for death, for someone else's mercy… Many years have passed, and I rely on the same things — and of course, I should have become a different, completely different person, much more aggressive and successful… If my life was a glass, it would probably lack a bottom.
There is something fundamentally wrong with me, my appearance is disgusting (especially now, thank you fucking olanzapine), my efforts are generally not bringing any progress — well, okay, I just don't want to put effort into something,
and I can't listen to any explanations, even if it's about something significant — I just realize how unimportant it all is, how transient… this is how I didn't visit a single lecture in a year — I'm proud of myself.
But I digress, I say: I will die, you will die, they will die, light imprints will remain, like from @CloseFriendofCamus, for example; someone will look at this imprints lovingly, these fragile butterfly wings... and everyone will gradually forget — there is no museum of people on Earth.
Isn't it important to make others happy? I say this because I don't understand anything anymore, I don't «get» any personal achievements, awards, military exploits; as Prince Andrei (from War and Peace) said that
to love everyone, love everything is to not live an earthly life — isn't it important, when you are at the death's door? doesn't it hurt at this moment to remember that you offended or cheated on someone? Isn't it better to leave calmly, with dignity, knowing that you have always been honest with yourself, that life has been lived in love?…
Here is my last wish, it is an easy one: to die as myself, as I am, and as no one else. I don't know what will happen next. Our Father in heaven (this is for the sake of formality). Forgive me in the name of the father, son and the third one in your gang; no, I am still not a believer.
I will have to do it myself, all by myself. And I want to die as myself. Godspeed, break a leg, toi toi toi; the final journey starts.
All that awaits me is just a decline. Well, failure is never a crime; failure is never a crime, failure is not a vice. That's all my consolation, given to me thrice.
Victory has many friends. Losing exists in silence. People try not to notice you, not to touch you. The entrance to the world is off limits for you — and this entrance has always been off limits for me personally.
"What are you hoping for?" was the question with which they interrogated me many times in my childhood; and inside my head i always answered that i hope for death, for someone else's mercy… Many years have passed, and I rely on the same things — and of course, I should have become a different, completely different person, much more aggressive and successful… If my life was a glass, it would probably lack a bottom.
There is something fundamentally wrong with me, my appearance is disgusting (especially now, thank you fucking olanzapine), my efforts are generally not bringing any progress — well, okay, I just don't want to put effort into something,
and I can't listen to any explanations, even if it's about something significant — I just realize how unimportant it all is, how transient… this is how I didn't visit a single lecture in a year — I'm proud of myself.
But I digress, I say: I will die, you will die, they will die, light imprints will remain, like from @CloseFriendofCamus, for example; someone will look at this imprints lovingly, these fragile butterfly wings... and everyone will gradually forget — there is no museum of people on Earth.
Isn't it important to make others happy? I say this because I don't understand anything anymore, I don't «get» any personal achievements, awards, military exploits; as Prince Andrei (from War and Peace) said that
to love everyone, love everything is to not live an earthly life — isn't it important, when you are at the death's door? doesn't it hurt at this moment to remember that you offended or cheated on someone? Isn't it better to leave calmly, with dignity, knowing that you have always been honest with yourself, that life has been lived in love?…
Here is my last wish, it is an easy one: to die as myself, as I am, and as no one else. I don't know what will happen next. Our Father in heaven (this is for the sake of formality). Forgive me in the name of the father, son and the third one in your gang; no, I am still not a believer.
I will have to do it myself, all by myself. And I want to die as myself. Godspeed, break a leg, toi toi toi; the final journey starts.
