Venting My Life (A Vent in 8 Short Parts)

[diredier]

Hi, longtime lurker. Finally got the nerve to make an account and post for...help? I guess. Unconventional considering how we all seem to be here.

I won't waste your time. My life has been pure shit. I was born unwanted because of my genitals, bullied by peers and family, isolated, hit, molested, neglected, made to hate myself utterly, and by the time I was around 15 I had treatment resistant depression (though the depression started probably around 7 or 8). I started attempting suicide and self harming around 9.

I'm 23 now. I've graduated with honours in university, I have a wonderful partner. I've cut bad people out of my life. I've gotten medicated, and I know people would be sad if I killed myself.

I've done everything I was told to, but its still fucked up. The lifelong abuse left me with a laundry list of diagnoses including a personality disorder, PTSD (diagnosed shortly before I graduated highschool), physical disabilities, and to top it all off I was born autistic and never got a lick of help for it. I don't leave the house. I couldn't get a job even if I wanted to. I'm fat, utterly disgusting to look at, idiotic, and probably narcissistic.

I want to die so bad. Its all I want. I want the pain to stop, but I'm terrified. What if there is life after death? My biggest fear is, if ghosts are real, having to stay behind and watch everyone in my life be sad and then move on like I never existed. Watch them all have a happiness that I will never know. I know my existance is inconsequential and means nothing. But I'm scared.

I've wanted nothing more for my life than to be a successful writer. And the success is what I want because I don't want my suffering to mean nothing. Imagine making money, the scale of someone like Stephen King or JK Rowling, and being able to create nonprofits and grants to help research for different mental illnesses and put a roof over the head of a child who can't stay in their home because they're being abused. That's all I want to do in life. I want to leave the world better than I found it.

I've written multiple books so far, but anything I'd want published is still in the works. But I get these periods where it all feels like my writing is meaningless and bad, and that my plots suck. Everyone around me tells me they're good or even great, but they're all people in my family or my partner, so I know I can't trust that. I just want to live and be happy and be confident so I can reach my goals and make the world a better place. But at the same time, I just want the struggle to end. I want to rest. Life for me has been an uphill battle all the way.

I'm sorry for this long, rambly post, but I figured someone might have something to say. Or hell, maybe some advice. I don't know. I feel desperate and miserable.

 

[EternalShore]

I'm sorry to hear about how awful your life has been so far~ :( As you may know, many of ours are as well~ >_<
If you truly think you're "fat" and "utterly disgusting", then you certainly must have a great personality to get someone like your partner to date you! :) and if not, well, then, you've found someone who will truly love you no matter what, quite possibly the greatest relationship partner you can have~ :)
I wish you the best with your life and will pray for you tho! ^_^ Becoming a successful writer is super tough~ >_< Not to spit in your face or anything, but it's definitely fun to have as a hobby~ :) Who knows~ Perhaps, if you don't expect anything out of it, you'll make works that are truly wonderful for those like yourself and make people like that happy because you'll truly just put your own care into it~ :)

 

[BJB]

My first post...

I belive it's the little things in life we have to hold onto. I struggle with comparing myself to others and trying to work out what level of sucusess to hold myself to, all I can see is people doing better than me, having it easier than me or perhaps they just show it? Who knows... In my good state of mind I can take joy in small things, hobbies, personal interactions etc keeping that big picture out of view sometimes is key for me, focusing on the details of a task, game or whataver.

In reading your post I feel for you. I have no idea who you are or really or what you have gone though but I feel a little better sharing my thoughts and hopefully you can feel that I'm validating yours.

 

[Trex]

Hi, longtime lurker. Finally got the nerve to make an account and post for...help? I guess. Unconventional considering how we all seem to be here.

I won't waste your time. My life has been pure shit. I was born unwanted because of my genitals, bullied by peers and family, isolated, hit, molested, neglected, made to hate myself utterly, and by the time I was around 15 I had treatment resistant depression (though the depression started probably around 7 or 8). I started attempting suicide and self harming around 9.

I'm 23 now. I've graduated with honours in university, I have a wonderful partner. I've cut bad people out of my life. I've gotten medicated, and I know people would be sad if I killed myself.

I've done everything I was told to, but its still fucked up. The lifelong abuse left me with a laundry list of diagnoses including a personality disorder, PTSD (diagnosed shortly before I graduated highschool), physical disabilities, and to top it all off I was born autistic and never got a lick of help for it. I don't leave the house. I couldn't get a job even if I wanted to. I'm fat, utterly disgusting to look at, idiotic, and probably narcissistic.

I want to die so bad. Its all I want. I want the pain to stop, but I'm terrified. What if there is life after death? My biggest fear is, if ghosts are real, having to stay behind and watch everyone in my life be sad and then move on like I never existed. Watch them all have a happiness that I will never know. I know my existance is inconsequential and means nothing. But I'm scared.

I've wanted nothing more for my life than to be a successful writer. And the success is what I want because I don't want my suffering to mean nothing. Imagine making money, the scale of someone like Stephen King or JK Rowling, and being able to create nonprofits and grants to help research for different mental illnesses and put a roof over the head of a child who can't stay in their home because they're being abused. That's all I want to do in life. I want to leave the world better than I found it.

I've written multiple books so far, but anything I'd want published is still in the works. But I get these periods where it all feels like my writing is meaningless and bad, and that my plots suck. Everyone around me tells me they're good or even great, but they're all people in my family or my partner, so I know I can't trust that. I just want to live and be happy and be confident so I can reach my goals and make the world a better place. But at the same time, I just want the struggle to end. I want to rest. Life for me has been an uphill battle all the way.

I'm sorry for this long, rambly post, but I figured someone might have something to say. Or hell, maybe some advice. I don't know. I feel desperate and miserable.

It sounds like you're carrying an incredibly heavy burden. Your experiences have been deeply unfair and painful, and it's no wonder you feel exhausted and desperate for relief. It takes immense strength to keep going in the face of such adversity, and the fact that you're still here, reaching out, shows incredible resilience.
Firstly, please know that your feelings are valid. You've been through so much trauma, and it's understandable to feel overwhelmed, scared, and even hopeless at times. You're not alone in this.
Here are a few thoughts that might offer some comfort and guidance:
1. You are not your experiences: You mentioned feeling "fat, utterly disgusting to look at, idiotic, and probably narcissistic." These are incredibly harsh judgments, likely echoing the voices of those who hurt you. But those voices are wrong. You are not defined by the abuse you endured or the labels that were put on you. You are a person of inherent worth, deserving of love, respect, and kindness.
2. Your pain is real, and healing is possible: The pain you're experiencing is a direct result of the trauma you've endured. It's not your fault, and you don't deserve it. Healing from trauma is a journey, not a destination. It takes time, support, and often professional guidance. Please consider reaching out to a therapist specializing in trauma. They can provide a safe space for you to process your experiences, develop coping mechanisms, and begin to heal.
3. Your life has meaning, even if you can't see it now: You expressed a desire to leave the world a better place than you found it. This is a beautiful aspiration, and it speaks volumes about your compassion and strength. Even if you can't see it now, your life has meaning. You have the power to touch others' lives in profound ways, through your writing, your kindness, and your very presence.
4. Your writing has value: You mentioned doubting your writing abilities. It's common for artists to experience self-doubt, but don't let it silence your voice. Your writing is a powerful tool for self-expression, healing, and connecting with others. Keep writing, keep sharing your stories, and trust that your voice matters.
5. You are loved: You have a wonderful partner and people in your life who care about you. Let their love and support be a source of strength. Lean on them, share your struggles, and allow them to help you carry the burden.
6. There is help available: There are people who care and resources available to support you.
* Mental Health Professionals: Consider seeking therapy with a therapist specializing in trauma and PTSD. They can provide you with tools and strategies to manage your symptoms and work through your past experiences.
* Support Groups: Connecting with others who have similar experiences can be incredibly validating and empowering. Look for online or in-person support groups for trauma survivors or people with similar mental health conditions.
7. Focus on small steps: When you're struggling, it can be helpful to focus on small, achievable goals. What is one thing you can do today to take care of yourself? Maybe it's going for a walk, listening to your favorite music, or spending time with a loved one.
8. Be kind to yourself: You deserve compassion and understanding, especially from yourself. Treat yourself with the same kindness and care you would offer a dear friend.
9. You are not alone: Remember, you are not alone in this. Many people struggle with similar challenges. Reaching out for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.
Please hold onto hope. Healing is possible, and you deserve a life filled with joy, meaning, and fulfillment.