melancholymoonjuice
je ne dors pas 🧚♂️
- Feb 11, 2025
- 6
Welcome to my little rant into the void. If you stumbled upon this, please enjoy. And please note that English isn't my first language, so I apologize for any mistakes I make!
I think the world is a fucked up place. I always felt stifled in my self-expression, never knowing why, why I couldn't be fully authentic and honest, even though I was craving that so dearly. It's because most people, even if they have good intentions, are inherently dishonest. Your emotional world, your sufferings, everything is inherently burdensome to them. To them, my existence and pain is a burden. So I always kept my shit inside. And I just can't do that anymore.
I hope this doesn't sound too whiny, but I know deep inside I don't want to die. I just don't want to to live in this world, either. I never felt like I belong and connection to others is so incredibly difficult. Not to sound like a femcel, but I never had a boyfriend or girlfriend, and just in general struggle with connecting with people even though I truly yearn for connection.
Every day for the last 5 years at least I've been waking up with this feeling of dread. I used to have such a passion for life, just automatically, naturally, I was beaming and happy and positive, even though I went through so many hardships. Then one of my friends told me that they can't understand how I have that much energy, how I am so happy and told me how annoying I am. And other people started to tell me I have ADHD as a joke, not knowing that I actually have ADD. Without the hyperactivity. And now I've been this fake, low-key, chill version of my self, the last few years, and I hate it. I hate what I have become. And I hate that it worked. By playing this non-awkward, super laid back and relaxed version of me, the version with which I neglect my inner child, I have found really cool and amazing friends. But I can't help but feel like I will always wear at least a little bit of a mask with them. I haven't taken my mask off in such a long fucking time. I think writing this post, this might be the first. It's sooo fucking refreshing. Not having to be afraid of what people say or think, of a psychiatrist telling my suicidal thoughts to the authorities, of burdening my friends, being too much to someone I have a crush on and getting rejected. I truly feel like I won't get rejected here. It makes me feel safe, in a weird, fucked up way.
Yesterday I told my best friend who lost her mom to cancer how jealous I am of her because her apartment feels like home. I felt fucking horrible immediately afterwards. I tend to say really fucking cruel and insensitive shit sometimes because of my neurodivergency, but I really meant that with my heart. My house feels like a graveyard. My mom is sick (she has schizophrenia) and has had a rough few weeks. She had a psychosis and I was the only one at home to look after her for a while. It was really shitty. She kept running away from me, even when I was crying and begging her to come back. She would be stubborn and refuse to listen to me, even in her sick state. I called the police, and ambulance, I went to different crisis institutions, not one of those fuckers could help me. None of them. They just looked at me with pity, like I was a dog that was about to be euthanized, and told me good luck. And oh, I could try this other hotline. Or that psychotherapy - oh but you gotta wait almost 2 years to secure a spot. And guess what, after I registered on the website, I never got an E-Mail back, so I don't even know if I was successful.
My experience with "helpful" people or "empathetic" people is, that they also, like 70% of the time, are just selfish fucks that want to feel like they are good people. Little psychos that get off on their own savior complexes. One of the girls that bullied me, who used to be my friend, once told me of a dream she had where she saved a suicidal person from killing themselves through talking about their family trauma or some bullshit. And then also accused me of having a savior complex. Maybe she is right, but at least I can say that I didn't then go and bully some bitch. Not even doing the savior complex right. The same with therapist. I haven't yet met a therapist that wasn't insufferable in some way. I always feel brushed off, like some project or problem at their work that needs to be solved, but never as a human being. I always felt like I had to prove to them how much I was suffering so that they would believe me. My main focus was always that - proving myself. Therapy didn't help shit, yet. (I am trying to get access to it still, trying out different doctors... I am not giving up yet, but at the moment I am trying out different things. Also creating a ctb plan, if my other plan doesn't work out)
I never felt this lost and unloved in my life before. I hate this, I hate feeling like this, I know the world can be beautiful, the trees, animals, water, art, I know there are a few golden hearted people out there, but lately, I just don't have the energy to fight anymore. I can't even make it out of bed. Nothing makes me feel happy anymore, I don't get fulfilled from making art, it's just tiring, and afterwards I hate what I created. I had a teacher in art school who criticized every single work I made, regardless of how much effort and thought I put in. He hated me. He just hated me for no reason. I tried so hard to work on improving, implementing his critique into my work, still he hated me and was mean to me and made me cry in front of the class multiple times for no reason. Public humiliation is one of my biggest fears. He did that, multiple times. And I still don't understand why he did it. Now I can't trust my work anymore, I can't see if it's good or bad, and I am so afraid of putting myself out there. I hate that man from the bottom of my heart. He destroyed me.
I think the world is a fucked up place. I always felt stifled in my self-expression, never knowing why, why I couldn't be fully authentic and honest, even though I was craving that so dearly. It's because most people, even if they have good intentions, are inherently dishonest. Your emotional world, your sufferings, everything is inherently burdensome to them. To them, my existence and pain is a burden. So I always kept my shit inside. And I just can't do that anymore.
I hope this doesn't sound too whiny, but I know deep inside I don't want to die. I just don't want to to live in this world, either. I never felt like I belong and connection to others is so incredibly difficult. Not to sound like a femcel, but I never had a boyfriend or girlfriend, and just in general struggle with connecting with people even though I truly yearn for connection.
Every day for the last 5 years at least I've been waking up with this feeling of dread. I used to have such a passion for life, just automatically, naturally, I was beaming and happy and positive, even though I went through so many hardships. Then one of my friends told me that they can't understand how I have that much energy, how I am so happy and told me how annoying I am. And other people started to tell me I have ADHD as a joke, not knowing that I actually have ADD. Without the hyperactivity. And now I've been this fake, low-key, chill version of my self, the last few years, and I hate it. I hate what I have become. And I hate that it worked. By playing this non-awkward, super laid back and relaxed version of me, the version with which I neglect my inner child, I have found really cool and amazing friends. But I can't help but feel like I will always wear at least a little bit of a mask with them. I haven't taken my mask off in such a long fucking time. I think writing this post, this might be the first. It's sooo fucking refreshing. Not having to be afraid of what people say or think, of a psychiatrist telling my suicidal thoughts to the authorities, of burdening my friends, being too much to someone I have a crush on and getting rejected. I truly feel like I won't get rejected here. It makes me feel safe, in a weird, fucked up way.
Yesterday I told my best friend who lost her mom to cancer how jealous I am of her because her apartment feels like home. I felt fucking horrible immediately afterwards. I tend to say really fucking cruel and insensitive shit sometimes because of my neurodivergency, but I really meant that with my heart. My house feels like a graveyard. My mom is sick (she has schizophrenia) and has had a rough few weeks. She had a psychosis and I was the only one at home to look after her for a while. It was really shitty. She kept running away from me, even when I was crying and begging her to come back. She would be stubborn and refuse to listen to me, even in her sick state. I called the police, and ambulance, I went to different crisis institutions, not one of those fuckers could help me. None of them. They just looked at me with pity, like I was a dog that was about to be euthanized, and told me good luck. And oh, I could try this other hotline. Or that psychotherapy - oh but you gotta wait almost 2 years to secure a spot. And guess what, after I registered on the website, I never got an E-Mail back, so I don't even know if I was successful.
My experience with "helpful" people or "empathetic" people is, that they also, like 70% of the time, are just selfish fucks that want to feel like they are good people. Little psychos that get off on their own savior complexes. One of the girls that bullied me, who used to be my friend, once told me of a dream she had where she saved a suicidal person from killing themselves through talking about their family trauma or some bullshit. And then also accused me of having a savior complex. Maybe she is right, but at least I can say that I didn't then go and bully some bitch. Not even doing the savior complex right. The same with therapist. I haven't yet met a therapist that wasn't insufferable in some way. I always feel brushed off, like some project or problem at their work that needs to be solved, but never as a human being. I always felt like I had to prove to them how much I was suffering so that they would believe me. My main focus was always that - proving myself. Therapy didn't help shit, yet. (I am trying to get access to it still, trying out different doctors... I am not giving up yet, but at the moment I am trying out different things. Also creating a ctb plan, if my other plan doesn't work out)
I never felt this lost and unloved in my life before. I hate this, I hate feeling like this, I know the world can be beautiful, the trees, animals, water, art, I know there are a few golden hearted people out there, but lately, I just don't have the energy to fight anymore. I can't even make it out of bed. Nothing makes me feel happy anymore, I don't get fulfilled from making art, it's just tiring, and afterwards I hate what I created. I had a teacher in art school who criticized every single work I made, regardless of how much effort and thought I put in. He hated me. He just hated me for no reason. I tried so hard to work on improving, implementing his critique into my work, still he hated me and was mean to me and made me cry in front of the class multiple times for no reason. Public humiliation is one of my biggest fears. He did that, multiple times. And I still don't understand why he did it. Now I can't trust my work anymore, I can't see if it's good or bad, and I am so afraid of putting myself out there. I hate that man from the bottom of my heart. He destroyed me.
