My life isnt worth living...

[tiredash]

Im 35M from Spain... Since I was little I never enjoyed anything much, its like I have a cap on how much I can enjoy something... If people can enjoy up to 10, i can only go up to 3. On top of that, everything costs a lot of effort to do, mostly mental effort... Im not social, i spend most of my time at home and only go out to work or to do errands. Most of my time im in front of my computer, bored... Every day is boredom and suffering, it always is hurting...

On top of everything, I have a massive need of feeling loved by someone than I can trust, but of course my life hasnt led to this even tho I have been actively looking for all these years in the internet. And it doesnt look that it will ever happen cause people dont want anything to do with boring sad people... This kind of pain is the one that hurts the most,..

My life is shit and it always hurts, there is nothing to it. Then add the fucking loneliness and it hurts even more... I have been thinking about suicide since I was 15, 20 fucking years, and I think that I should have done it many years ago to avoid so much suffering...

Years ago I bought pure cyanide and it comforted me knowing I had that "exit", but idk if it even works anymore and Im afraid of it hurting a lot... And still, Im not prepared for this, although Im ashamed of myself for not being brave enough to do it... yet...

Living hurts so much...

 

[Warlord's Pulse]

I have a massive need of feeling loved by someone than I can trust
By that you're referring to a romantic partner or in a more general way? Like, a friend would do the trick? Do you just search online?

 

[tiredash]

Yes, it would be romantic, a woman... Although I wouldnt use the word romantic, cause I wouldnt want to trust her completely, and thats not what most relationships are about...
I felt for many years that if I had that it would give me enough strength to keep living this shit and i still do think it, altho with less intensity cause Im just so old and everything is getting worse...

Yes, I searched only online because i dont know what else to do...

 

[FuneralCry]

I also find it painful to suffer in this existence, I understand feeling so tired of it all. But anyway I wish you the best.