Story My life with BPD and depression

[alivefornow]

I recently found out I was diagnosed with BPD on top of clinical depression and who knows what else. I'm 28M.

This information was kept from me for months. I am not angry at this decision, I know the people who did it were not ill-intended.

As I began to research the disorder online, I very quickly came across the infamous and alarming statistics. People with BPD are more likely than any other group to attempt suicide (75% to 85%) and succeed (~10%). The average number of attempts in the lifetime of a person with BPD is three.

Reading about the most common traits of BPD, I reflected on my past life and it really checks out. I am in constant emotional pain, I hurt the people that love me, I think about taking my life about 50 times everyday, sometimes that being the only thought on my mind. I also have very dark thoughts about doing physical harm to others, which I prefer not to disclose or discuss further, else than saying I haven't acted upon such thoughts so far.

I do not self-harm nor that is a thought that crosses my mind frequently. I guess I'm lucky that way.

I am refusing to get help because I tried therapy and medication and things didn't improve at all. I also don't want to be a burden. I got some money to my name but not enough to pay for such treatments, and I'm too proud to accept help.

On my darkest days I cannot look at a window without the thought of jumping coming to mind. Same with stepping in front of vehicles, hanging myself, drinking poison, stabbing or shooting myself, etc.

In fact, sometimes when I'm just laying on my bed I frequently enact scenarios in my mind in which I blow up my brains. Funny thing is, I never even held a gun.

Last year, after "playing" with partial hanging twice and standing on a ledge 14 stories tall, I acquired SN after learning about it in this website, got caught with it and spent four months in a shitty shitty psych ward. In there I got caught tying a rope with a blanket. I also constantly fantasized about drowning, grabbing the electrified fence and whatever else seemed to be a potential suicide method. Hell, I even though about running and ramming my head on a wall.

All my dreams and aspirations are gone, now I dream about getting assisted suicide in a first-world country. I can't do it myself. I am considering going back to another ward too. As much as I want to die, I am aware of how much this would devastate my family. Maybe if I'm locked up in a safe place and getting treatment, they will feel more at ease.

I can't eat right, I don't shower or shave nearly as often as I should, there's no pattern to my sleep, I have a constant feeling of my guts turning and a heavy weight on my heart. My head hurts from the sleep deprivation.

I can't shake off the feeling that I'm just a bad person. I call it Bad Person Disorder. Bad to others and myself.

I wish and dream about a terminal illness or an accident taking my life. I don't expect anyone to understand how painful this is, I just wish people could understand I'm better off dead when I'm gone, if I can pull this off. Go on with your lives, remember me for whatever good I did when I was alive.

If you read so far, thank you. I would like to know about others' experiences with BPD. Sorry for long post.

 

[inaminute]

I was diagnosed in America around 2004 and my home country (UK) agrees with it - although here it's Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. It's fucking horrible I get stigmatised for it but when I explain I didn't ask to he neglected and sexually abused as a child it quicky shifts the clinical moment with whomever. However I'm still 100% certain my care team are me as a challenging, manipulative hard to treat son of a bitch. Is have taken schizophrenia any day over this life long problem. Yes I've had therapy - 4 years daily outpatient intensive everything and it settled down a little for a few years but it's came back so I get into the same problems over and over again that's why I'm tired but happy I have my SN.

 

[alivefornow]

I was diagnosed in America around 2004 and my home country (UK) agrees with it - although here it's Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. It's fucking horrible I get stigmatised for it but when I explain I didn't ask to he neglected and sexually abused as a child it quicky shifts the clinical moment with whomever. However I'm still 100% certain my care team are me as a challenging, manipulative hard to treat son of a bitch. Is have taken schizophrenia any day over this life long problem. Yes I've had therapy - 4 years daily outpatient intensive everything and it settled down a little for a few years but it's came back so I get into the same problems over and over again that's why I'm tired but happy I have my SN.

I am sorry you had to go through this as a child. I didn't have a nearly as traumatic childhood but I can recall key events and circumstances that made me shut down emotionally.

They say it is a combination of genetic predisposition and life experience. To be honest, I think doctors should admit they are almost clueless about what it really is. They should be honest and tell me I'm damned to live a half-life, but I guess that's not what you say to a suicidal person under your care.

 

[inaminute]

I am sorry you had to go through this as a child. I didn't have a nearly as traumatic childhood but I can recall key events and circumstances that made me shut down emotionally.

They say it is a combination of genetic predisposition and life experience. To be honest, I think doctors should admit they are almost clueless about what it really is. They should be honest and tell me I'm damned to live a half-life, but I guess that's not what you say to a suicidal person under your care.

Btw I'm 46m so men do get this but if a proper assessment is done you'll likely have elements of other PDs too they come and go - I remember a psychiatrist at the therapy unit I attended for those years told me I will have to have help for the rest of my life.

 

[alivefornow]

Btw I'm 46m so men do get this but if a proper assessment is done you'll likely have elements of other PDs too they come and go - I remember a psychiatrist at the therapy unit I attended for those years told me I will have to have help for the rest of my life.

I've read that symptoms are supposed to wane as time goes by. How do you feel about this since your diagnosis?

 

[inaminute]

I've read that symptoms are supposed to wane as time goes by. How do you feel about this since your diagnosis?

Nah they haven't they've just adapted and evolved themselves from primitive reactions since I had bad alexithymia (no words for emotions) to feeling constantly empty without a self identity and no direction or purpose in life. I can pick up any new skill learn it till I get bored to death of it which is the same for employment, which is why these days the best I can manage is by being by myself in my car delivering flexibly for a major online retailer. I need hospital admissions from time to time to stay safe and it's just a cyclical roundabout merry-go-round in the middle of a circus of clowns. Sleep is my only respite. Oh and my two girls.

The only symptoms that wane are aggression due to natural testosterone depletion as you get older aka borderline burnout

 

[alivefornow]

Nah they haven't they've just adapted and evolved themselves from primitive reactions since I had bad alexithymia (no words for emotions) to feeling constantly empty without a self identity and no direction or purpose in life. I can pick up any new skill learn it till I get bored to death of it which is the same for employment, which is why these days the best I can manage is by being by myself in my car delivering flexibly for a major online retailer. I need hospital admissions from time to time to stay safe and it's just a cyclical roundabout merry-go-round in the middle of a circus of clowns. Sleep is my only respite. Oh and my two girls.

The only symptoms that wane are aggression due to natural testosterone depletion as you get older aka borderline burnout

I get what you said about sleep. Lately I've just been waiting all day for sleep, which is when I shut off and travel to a painless world. As I wake up I can physically feel the wave of pain taking over. It's becoming unbearable.

I hope you find some inner peace along the way.

 

[juna]

I feel the same way as you. I hope you feel better.

 

[tbroken]

I felt the same, but what caused me these feelings were physical injury and bad luck. What about you? What happened?