My life.

[giratina]

I am 18 years old in England, I want to cbt soon. Yet I feel ungrateful because I am shown love by my family, yet I can't bring myself to tell them how I feel. I am soon to go to university assuming I pass my exams. However I don't think I will, I haven't had motivation in years, I found have wanted to ctb for a few years now however I don't have the courage.

I feel like a burden to people I speak to. I have been ignorant of peoples emotions/ don't understand what they try to convey. I had a girlfriend and felt happy with her for a while but then we broke up and it went to shit after she shared things about me that were private. And I started thinking about my method again.

My work is overwhelming and my manager wont allow me time off for a family event as well as birthdays even though it is only part time small work my manager just finds ways to shout at me . As well as this if I quit work my mother will become angry at me because I need to earn money or I'm a disappointment. And after hearing other people's difficulties in life this makes me feel like I am ungrateful and it pains me.
I feel trapped into either disappointing friends and family by working on (next Friday) or quitting work and disappointing my parents as well as losing income.
I feel disgusted at myself for how I have led my life, I am trying to get a better job but can't, I cant get good grades like siblings. Despite all of this, I know my family does care for me but I worry if it will change if I share my feelings with them.
This is what has led me to this point, where I want to ctb, does anyone have any painless way other than falling a large distance, my idea was a cliff in England at a beach near me, but I wonder if any instincts will prevent me. I can't access a gun due to my location and my funds mean I probably can't purchase N or any drugs of any nature however I have not placed full research into it, hanging scares me so I don't know how painful it would be. I don't wish to upset my family but I feel like I don't want to be here anymore. Does anyone have any ideas for painless methods. I feel pathetic because I feel scared to cbt but I think it is the best way for me rather than straining my family.

 

[Slark]

I don't think you should feel ungrateful; your pain matters too, even if there are people theoretically worse off than you. I also think you should try therapy. It might be difficult at first, especially because it takes time to build trust with a psychologist, but it can be good for you. If you have a family who loves you, don't feel bad about seeking help and support from them. They can help you and will certainly understand that your job might be hurting you, for example. I hope you get better; you seem like a nice person.

 

[giratina]

I don't think you should feel ungrateful; your pain matters too, even if there are people theoretically worse off than you. I also think you should try therapy. It might be difficult at first, especially because it takes time to build trust with a psychologist, but it can be good for you. If you have a family who loves you, don't feel bad about seeking help and support from them. They can help you and will certainly understand that your job might be hurting you, for example. I hope you get better; you seem like a nice person.

Thank you, I have tried to speak to people about it before, a friend and my ex girlfriend. It felt meaningless to try. By telling family members I am placing strain on them which is what worries me, I don't want to be a centre of attention for having therapy or anything of the sort, I don't want to bother them. My parents think weirdly about mental illnesses due to their age so I am unsure what they would think albeit you may be right. I just don't have any will to try to speak up. And like you said about speaking to a psychologist, I feel like It's like speaking to a person who doesn't really care for your situation as they are paid to 'care' more than anything. As well as this my original time to cbt would be after my results day for exams which is in a couple weeks. It feels too late to speak out. However thank you for your kind words.

 

[Slark]

Thank you, I have tried to speak to people about it before, a friend and my ex girlfriend. It felt meaningless to try. By telling family members I am placing strain on them which is what worries me, I don't want to be a centre of attention for having therapy or anything of the sort, I don't want to bother them. My parents think weirdly about mental illnesses due to their age so I am unsure what they would think albeit you may be right. I just don't have any will to try to speak up. And like you said about speaking to a psychologist, I feel like It's like speaking to a person who doesn't really care for your situation as they are paid to 'care' more than anything. As well as this my original time to cbt would be after my results day for exams which is in a couple weeks. It feels too late to speak out. However thank you for your kind words.

I understand. It's beautiful how you care for your parents and don't want to upset them. But perhaps even if you didn't talk about your psychological issues, you could talk about your job, because it's awful to work with a boss who treats you badly. I understand your point about paying a psychologist to care about you, but perhaps they can offer you ideas or techniques to help you with your problems, even if they're not doing it out of pure love. I want to make it clear that I don't want to discourage you from taking any action, because in the end, the decision will always be yours. Only you live in your own skin and know your pain. I don't judge.

 

[giratina]

I understand. It's beautiful how you care for your parents and don't want to upset them. But perhaps even if you didn't talk about your psychological issues, you could talk about your job, because it's awful to work with a boss who treats you badly. I understand your point about paying a psychologist to care about you, but perhaps they can offer you ideas or techniques to help you with your problems, even if they're not doing it out of pure love. I want to make it clear that I don't want to discourage you from taking any action, because in the end, the decision will always be yours. Only you live in your own skin and know your pain. I don't judge.

Thank you very much your advice means a lot to me I will try to bring it up at some point see if they can offer advice about what to do about my manager, maybe that can aid the next few weeks because I don't think I'm ready to talk about my mental state with them. Once again, thank you.

 

[cookiencream]

Thank you, I have tried to speak to people about it before, a friend and my ex girlfriend. It felt meaningless to try. By telling family members I am placing strain on them which is what worries me, I don't want to be a centre of attention for having therapy or anything of the sort, I don't want to bother them. My parents think weirdly about mental illnesses due to their age so I am unsure what they would think albeit you may be right. I just don't have any will to try to speak up. And like you said about speaking to a psychologist, I feel like It's like speaking to a person who doesn't really care for your situation as they are paid to 'care' more than anything. As well as this my original time to cbt would be after my results day for exams which is in a couple weeks. It feels too late to speak out. However thank you for your kind words.

Forgive me but dying would put a greater strain on them than anything else you could say. I don't mean to guilt trip you, you seem very considerate towards your family and friends but at the same time you seem to be undervaluing yourself a bit? I don't believe in staying alive for someone else because of how temporary human relationships are, but I also want to make sure you consider that at least. Perhaps that information can help you arrive at a clearer answer.