Venting My lifelong worst nightmare is coming true. I’m powerless to stop it and too afraid to CTB

[Tombs_in_your_eyes]

I lost years of my life to the fear that my favorite person would die and leave me all alone. Now it is happening. I am not even 30, they are still young too, and they have months left to live. I have no other family aside from somebody who is completely useless and holds no space for my grief. I have no friendly neighbours or family friends. I have a handful of formerly close friends who are to give them credit being very kind, but they live hundreds of miles away.

I am going to inherit an enormous house (this isn't a boast - we live in a very poor very remote area where house prices are dirt cheap) that is stuffed with crap. Like, three floors and seven bedrooms FULL. OF. CRAP. And I'm going to have to sort through it to sell the house all by myself. While mired in extreme grief. With severe physical disabilities.

And then I don't even know where I'll move to because this house won't even buy so much as a studio apartment in or near any major city where I might start a life for myself.

I spend hours every day screaming and screaming and screaming in grief and pain and fear. I have multiple bottles of SN alongside every single drug that could make it easier but I'm too afraid of what comes after death because I have OCD which comes with intrusive thoughts of death and makes me terrified of uncertainty.

Like I can just see myself in ten years' time, stuck in this huge house crammed with stuff that isn't mine, screaming and screaming and screaming. Screaming so much I drive everyone away. Lost to the world. Having constant psychotic breaks.

Or maybe I won't even be allowed back in the house. Maybe I'll live out the next fifty years in a psychiatric institution. That seems as likely as any other outcome.

I don't know guys my life is literally what I lost years of my life to as a teenager crying in bed imagining this exact outcome and now it's happening. I just want to cut and burn and bite every inch of my skin. This life is a torture chamber and I'm stuck in it for half a century until my body decides to give in.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry for your situation. Do you know whether there are house clearing services in your area? Basically- a company comes in, takes everything away, sells whatever they can. They then take their fee from the sale of the items and, anything left goes back into the estate. That's what I've instructed my solicitor to do when I die. I don't want my family to have to deal with all my crap. If it isn't sentimental to you, it might be worth considering that. I'm so sorry about your friend.

 

[Tombs_in_your_eyes]

I'm so sorry for your situation. Do you know whether there are house clearing services in your area? Basically- a company comes in, takes everything away, sells whatever they can. They then take their fee from the sale of the items and, anything left goes back into the estate. That's what I've instructed my solicitor to do when I die. I don't want my family to have to deal with all my crap. If it isn't sentimental to you, it might be worth considering that. I'm so sorry about your friend.

Thank you, that is a very practical suggestion that I didn't know existed. It helps to put my mind at rest - a good part of my spiralling is having to deal with practical stuff that I don't have the knowledge or life experience of yet.

Unfortunately I live with the person who is dying, so there is a lot of sentimentality there. I could when the time is right hire somebody to clear all the rooms except for theirs… and then put their belongings into storage until I can make a decision about them. Thank you again.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Thank you, that is a very practical suggestion that I didn't know existed. It helps to put my mind at rest - a good part of my spiralling is having to deal with practical stuff that I don't have the knowledge or life experience of yet.

Unfortunately I live with the person who is dying, so there is a lot of sentimentality there. I could when the time is right hire somebody to clear all the rooms except for theirs… and then put their belongings into storage until I can make a decision about them. Thank you again.

You're welcome. I hope you can find such a service near you. That's so sad about the person you live with. I hope they pass peacefully at least but of course- you don't want to have all that going on around them. Maybe you could just look into options for now- just so you know what's available when the time comes.

 

[Tombs_in_your_eyes]

Thank you for your kind words. Looking into it in advance is a great idea.

 

[Tombs_in_your_eyes]

And now my screaming/crying is so severe that the neighbours are complaining and the people I live with are starting to exhibit PTSD symptoms (as soon as the wind blows or a door creaks they get triggered by the thought of me crying).

I have to CTB no matter how afraid I am I have to I have to I have to. I cannot live without my favourite person I absolutely have to die.