Venting My Mind and My Plan Are Set

[H4t]

I've posted previously, venting about my first attempt.

At the time of the first attempt I was distraught and, frankly, out of my mind with grief. It made me sloppy.
I've regained a lot of clarity and perspective since then. It was cemented what I want: to die. To cease to exist. I apologise if that's too blunt for some.
Ironically, during a time of anxiety, stress, grief, sadness, and so many other emotions, the first and only time I gain peace and clarity of mind was when I decided when and how I would try again.

This time I have the luxury of this site and the resources, time, clarity, and most of all: privacy.

My method: partial suspension hanging.
I was initially going to go full suspension route, then I found this method. I am aware of claimed failure rates, but I have a contingency for that.

I won't share the details here, because even though I know it's highly unlikely anyone I know would find this, I can't take chances.

But I have the list of what I need, and preparations start on payday this coming week.
I'll be sourcing a rope no thicker than 12mm.
I will be using a mouthguard.
I have a scarf to pad my neck.
I had tested the strength of the anchor point, and have tested a slipknot on my neck. My confidence isn't as high without the final rope I'll be using, but this is why the luxury of time is so crucial.

I even have a way to prevent anyone from accidentally discovering me, thanks to a locking door, a key duplicate, and a warning note with the appropriate people to call.
My previous plan was too public, and even though I know I won't care later, I want to make sure no one is unnecessarily scarred by the discovery of my body.

This time I have made sure to avoid mess. And if I fail, I will be completely alone, hopefully with minimal damage to myself and surroundings. I can pick myself up, try again, or go for another time with no one the wiser. No pesky mental institutions and interventions.

I wouldn't say I'm proud or too confident in my plan. I'm all too aware of the failure rates and the risks involved. I do feel good about it and at peace. I feel that I've done everything I can to make sure to minimise certain impacts, and this time avoid property damage.
All I want is peace, and that's my persuit.

 

[FuneralCry]

I also just wish for true peace from all the suffering, I wish you the best and I hope that you find the peace you are searching for.

 

[HowToCTB]

Hopefully everything will go for the best to you.

 

[H4t]

The next few days are crucial, but the last couple days have been too.

The full consequences of my first attempt, and the mess I made and damages I caused are revealing themselves. They are huge and they are dire, and they affect more than just me. I am remorseful and regret not only the failure of the first attempt, but the nature of it.

However, it is becoming clearer to me that the nature of my first failure is only making it necessary to succeed on the next run. I know this is probably confirmation bias, or could be argued to be such. However, I don't care. I believe my reasons are rational and emotional and valid, and that's not something that is easy to convince anyone about, so I won't be asking permission.

I regret that this will affect my ex in the ways that it will. A small part of me, the vengeful spiteful part, is satisfied that she can get a glimpse into how she ruined my life. I know she'll be fine. She's got a lot of resources and is innocent of anything linked with my attempt.

No going back now.

 

[H4t]

Sorting out final prep for tonight and then will relax for the rest of my last day. Early morning Sunday my time is when I will attempt to CBT.
Final tests show what it will feel like, equipment is done.
Final touches need to happen, like lining up admin for those who find me.
Been going back and forth on final letters to a select few who mean a lot to me and who were supportive during this time.

Either way, if I'm not heard from again after tomorrow, you'll know it worked.