my mom is dying

[Comfydant]

a lot has changed since i last visited this forum but at the same time nothing has changed at all. i still want to kill myself but i'm still afraid of fucking it up and just ending up being in pain (and probably medical debt), i still don't have access to any methods other than od on otc pain meds which i know has a low success rate like taking 200 advil isn't gonna do shit but even so i keep them on my bedside table, i'm still broke, i'm still a useless fuckup hikikomori who doesn't have a job or a high school diploma or ged, can't drive, cook, laundry, or do even the bare minimum for myself even though i'm 21, my body still hates me and is in pain all the time. yesterday my mom started repeating the same word over and over again and barely acknowledged anything i was saying to her and doing weird shit like trying to unscrew the cap off a water bottle that already had the cap off and ignoring me when i told her like 6 times the cap was off, or wondering where her phone went after she just had it in her hand and set it down right in front of her and i kept pointing to it. she's been sick for over a month atp (i thought she just had the flu) and too weak to get up to go to the bathroom (+ her toilet is clogged) so she doesn't wear pants and shits on the living room chair/ottoman, and the house is covered in garbage and dog piss and dog shit and infested with flies and the porch is also covered in garbage and rotting moldy food because i'm also sick and disabled (chronic back + joint pain) and every time i try to clean up i wind up hurting myself, i can't remember the last time i ate real food or left my house for more than just a walk around the block, and we've both been wearing the same filthy clothes for god knows how long. all i do day in day out is eat junk food, feed my dogs and let them into the backyard a couple times a day (they still shit in the house tho), play genshin, scroll social media, chat with my boyfriend when he happens to be online, and sleep. i just feel completely helpless. i told my sister last night about my mom so my sister called 911 on my behalf cuz she was worried mom might have been having a stroke but they couldn't force her to go to the hospital because she could at least answer what her name is and when her birthday is and stuff like that and she kept stubbornly refusing to let them take her to the hospital and saying she was fine and they couldn't even do a thorough checkup because of all the garbage preventing them from bringing their equipment into the house and my mom either refusing or not being able to walk outside. my sister is planning on calling them again tonight and having me stay with my dad, i hate my dad he's a control freak and he verbally and financially abused my mom when they were married and verbally abused me when i was little and he still had partial custody (not to mention i'm trans and he's a conservative evangelical) but i don't have a choice. if i lose my mom there's a good chance my dad will put me in a group home just like he did my stepsister who has downs cuz he and my stepmom didn't want to take care of her anymore and they sure as hell won't take care of me. if that happens i'll probably lose access to the internet which means never talking to my boyfriend of 8 years who lives on the other side of the world ever again and he's all i have left, the only person other than my mom who genuinely loves and cares about me and the only reason i'm still alive. not to mention if my mom dies my dogs will probably be taken to the shelter cuz it's not like i can care for them by myself, my sister lives a 4 hours drive away, and my brother lives all the way on the opposite side of the country so neither of them can care for them either and my dogs are old so they'd probably be put down at the shelter. i've never wanted to die more than i do now, even the girl who abused and sa'd me when i was 11 didn't make me this suicidal, and every waking second i find myself wishing i was never born in the first place. i wish there was a way for me to just die painlessly in my sleep that also doesn't cost more money than i have, if there was i would take it in a heartbeat cuz i'm not even that afraid of death anymore i'm just afraid of pain. but i have no will to live, i contribute nothing, and the world would genuinely be better without me in it, i've been nothing but a burden on my mom for as long as i've been alive

 

[Comfydant]

update: my dad and stepmom came to my house, my dad made me soup and started to clean up a bit and my stepmom just sat with my mom for a while before calling 911. she wasn't able to answer her age or address correctly and her blood sugar was low so she was taken to the hospital. now we're in the waiting room and my dad and stepmom are whispering to each other

update 2: i'm really embarrassed but i started crying in front of them that i want to go home and sleep in my own bed and i'm scared and i don't want my mom to die. but i saw her in the er and she looked really out of it and i'm just noticing how yellow she is and how there are dark patches under her eyes and it made me want to cry again but i didn't

 

[NoPoint2Life]

I am so sorry for your situation. It truly sounds awful.

I hope your mom is OK. My mom has a ton of health issues and when she's been in the hospital, it's kind of a relief, but also new hassles in its own way. And yeah, I have my own problems, but I can't imagine dealing with as much of it as you do with yours. Maybe they can figure something out with social services to help her.

 

[littleraccoon3]

The situation you are experiencing is really sad but can't you at least try for your boyfriend and mother, get a disabled job or something else. I am thinking of doing CTB because I took care of my family's illnesses and I have medical debt right now. But if I find a loan until the day I plan to do CTB, I won't do it. I am sure that trying to do something will make you feel good too. Because I think you are a good kid.

 

[Comfydant]

The situation you are experiencing is really sad but can't you at least try for your boyfriend and mother, get a disabled job or something else. I am thinking of doing CTB because I took care of my family's illnesses and I have medical debt right now. But if I find a loan until the day I plan to do CTB, I won't do it. I am sure that trying to do something will make you feel good too. Because I think you are a good kid.

i've been trying to do programming/web design classes online with freecodecamp.org, i want to get a job, it's just difficult to know where to start

 

[littleraccoon3]

i've been trying to do programming/web design classes online with freecodecamp.org, i want to get a job, it's just difficult to know where to start

If you know how to set up a website, I recommend you give a price below the market and post an ad on all the ad sites you can think of. You can use chtcpt among advertisement sites, your resources are unlimited as long as it is in English. Give a reference for a full-time job, I hope everything goes well for you.

 

[Comfydant]

update 3: my sister is here and she says she doesn't think mom is going to make it, she says the reason her skin is yellow is because her liver is tired and the doctors are doing everything they can to keep her alive but she's really really sick. and now my boyfriend is annoyed with me for venting because he has exams and can't focus on them when he's sad. i can't take this anymore

 

[Comfydant]

i just remembered my stepmom found a bottle of acetaminophen in my mom's purse so i looked it up and google says taking too much acetaminophen is bad for your liver. mom has been sick and had yellow skin and trouble walking for a while but nowhere near this bad until two days ago so i'm wondering if she oded and my sister just doesn't want to tell me because she knows it would make me feel worse so she said it's just because mom is old that her liver is tired but i don't know for sure

 

[Comfydant]

my aunt and my brother have both already said goodbye to her i've never seen my brother cry before i can't believe this is happening i want my mom i wanna hug her i wanna go home but i can't i wish it was me dying instead of her

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

I'm so sorry you have to experience this, I really hope your mom will pull through somehow and have a chance at recovering. Liver issues can be quite serious, but if it's caught in time there are things like dialysis that can halt the progression of things and potentially reverse some of the damage.

I hope you are able to spend more time with your mom regardless of what happens next, and be there for her, though I know it isn't easy to see someone you love in a state of serious illness. Your boyfriend should be here for you during this time, even with exams, right now is when you need care the most.

I lost most of my family as well, and am dealing with knowing I'll lose my grandma soon who is the last person I have left that loves me. I'm disabled too and struggling to survive in this world. So I understand just how tough it is to fear what the future holds after losing the people you love.

If it wasn't obvious, I love genshin as well, and Hu Tao. If you need someone to talk to you can PM me anytime.

 

[Comfydant]

I'm so sorry you have to experience this, I really hope your mom will pull through somehow and have a chance at recovering. Liver issues can be quite serious, but if it's caught in time there are things like dialysis that can halt the progression of things and potentially reverse some of the damage.

I hope you are able to spend more time with your mom regardless of what happens next, and be there for her, though I know it isn't easy to see someone you love in a state of serious illness. Your boyfriend should be here for you during this time, even with exams, right now is when you need care the most.

I lost most of my family as well, and am dealing with knowing I'll lose my grandma soon who is the last person I have left that loves me. I'm disabled too and struggling to survive in this world. So I understand just how tough it is to fear what the future holds after losing the people you love.

If it wasn't obvious, I love genshin as well, and Hu Tao. If you need someone to talk to you can PM me anytime.

thank you so much

she died in the hospital last night, we were told there was almost no chance she would live cuz the issue wasn't caught in time (i knew she was sick but didn't think it was her liver i hate myself for not getting her help until it was too late) so my siblings decided it was better to pull everything and let her die peacefully than to wait until she goes into cardiac arrest because those were the only two options we were given. and now everyone's already talking about what's going to happen to her body and who's going to get what and what to do about the house i've lived in since i was seven years old and it's all happening too fast and i still haven't gotten the image out of my mind of my mom in a hospital bed with yellow skin and all those wires and tubes sticking out of her and struggling to breathe ("guppy breaths" the nurse called it) and completely unable to move or talk and then my brother playing amazing grace on his phone after all the wires and tubes got taken out. even my dad cried but i cried louder than anyone else because i've lived with her for my entire life and done everything together with her and other than my boyfriend and my dogs she was all i had

 

[NoPoint2Life]

I am so sorry
I haven't had to deal with the death of a parent yet, but I imagine it is traumatizing seeing them in that condition. And then it's definitely overwhelming to start talking so quickly about the house and who gets what. I have been dreading my parents dying since I was a kid because I feel incapable of dealing with all that. It's one of my greatest fears and they're both 75…

 

[Comfydant]

I am so sorry
I haven't had to deal with the death of a parent yet, but I imagine it is traumatizing seeing them in that condition. And then it's definitely overwhelming to start talking so quickly about the house and who gets what. I have been dreading my parents dying since I was a kid because I feel incapable of dealing with all that. It's one of my greatest fears and they're both 75…

yeah i've sort of been dreading it for a while too (my mom was 64) i was worried she'd die in the next few years but i didn't think it would happen so soon, i got so used to the way things were and i thought if i kept checking on her and making her drink water and get lots of rest then maybe she would get better before christmas and we could spend it together. i took the time we had together for granted

 

[L'absent]

I am very sorry. I offer you my deepest condolences. I am experiencing terrible grief and I can imagine what you are going through. Don't be angry about losing her if you can. Remember the pleasant time you spent with her and if you can, try to be grateful for having known her. Unfortunately we can't do anything else to ease the pain which will always be a lot.

 

[Comfydant]

my brother is leaving to go back to texas tomorrow morning but he says my dad and stepmom are going to take my dogs to a rescue sometime tomorrow but i've had them since i was 6–7 years old and they were puppies, no matter how well they're taken care of in the rescue or whatever new home they eventually go to they're going to feel like they've been betrayed/abandoned by the two people they love more than anything in this world. when i went back to my house again one of them was sitting on the chair mom always used to sit in and howling nonstop because he misses her and doesn't understand why she's gone. and i'm afraid because they're old and have health issues (one has a collapsed trachea) no one will adopt them, or if they do get adopted then they'll be separated from each other. i don't want to lose my dogs after i've already lost my mom and my home that i've lived in since i was 7 in the span of less than a week