Venting My mom is sick and I’m a horrible caretaker

[NoPoint2Life]

I live with my 75-year-old parents. My father is quite healthy, but my mother has so many physical issues she is housebound. I already help her out around the house for all that.But Every couple of years she gets really sick with something and that makes it worse.

This time it's colitis. She went to the ER yesterday and got diagnosed. She had been feeling sick since Friday night and had major pain.So I have been in full caretaker mode since then. I am horrible at it. I'm just not cut out to take care of anyone else. I honestly believe I am a sympathetic person, but I just have no patience. Yesterday I was helping her after her shower and she told me to please stop being so impatient because it stresses her out.

Doing this makes me question how anybody can decide to be a parent and have to do all that taking care of their kids. And then when our parents are older, we are expected to take care of them. I dread getting older and I'm terrified of it and would like to avoid it if I can. She doesn't realize this is a front row seat to seeing all the things I am afraid of and why I don't want to be here.

On top of everything, my father informed me just minutes ago that the CAT scan she had yesterday also picked up a lump on her breast. My mother told me years ago She would never get treatment if she had cancer. I don't blame her. She has enough problems as it is. Honestly, I feel the same way. But my father told me to get on top of her to do something about it. How am I supposed to do that when I wouldn't want it for myself???

 

[Bluebag]

Hello thanks for sharing, I hope the universe gives you strength to get through this. Take care.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry to hear of your situation. It's got to be incredibly difficult to care for someone else while struggling yourself. Especially family members because, we are maybe more likely to be honest with them.

I think feeling ill also makes us less patient ourselves too. So, she may be feeling you were putting pressure on her to hurry when you may not have been.

It's a bit sensitive to ask- so- obviously feel free to ignore this but, does she have dementia symptoms? That can also change our character.

Has your Mum mentioned the scan yet and, not wanting treatment? Sometimes, when it actually happens, I expect people might react differently but, that's kind of unfair for your Dad to expect you to talk her round. Is he trying to do the same?

 

[no.hope]

I live with my 75-year-old parents. My father is quite healthy, but my mother has so many physical issues she is housebound. I already help her out around the house for all that.But Every couple of years she gets really sick with something and that makes it worse.

This time it's colitis. She went to the ER yesterday and got diagnosed. She had been feeling sick since Friday night and had major pain.So I have been in full caretaker mode since then. I am horrible at it. I'm just not cut out to take care of anyone else. I honestly believe I am a sympathetic person, but I just have no patience. Yesterday I was helping her after her shower and she told me to please stop being so impatient because it stresses her out.

Doing this makes me question how anybody can decide to be a parent and have to do all that taking care of their kids. And then when our parents are older, we are expected to take care of them. I dread getting older and I'm terrified of it and would like to avoid it if I can. She doesn't realize this is a front row seat to seeing all the things I am afraid of and why I don't want to be here.

On top of everything, my father informed me just minutes ago that the CAT scan she had yesterday also picked up a lump on her breast. My mother told me years ago She would never get treatment if she had cancer. I don't blame her. She has enough problems as it is. Honestly, I feel the same way. But my father told me to get on top of her to do something about it. How am I supposed to do that when I wouldn't want it for myself???

dont beat yourself too much over it , the important part is you actually care for them however bad or good the care is

 

[NoPoint2Life]

I'm so sorry to hear of your situation. It's got to be incredibly difficult to care for someone else while struggling yourself. Especially family members because, we are maybe more likely to be honest with them.

I think feeling ill also makes us less patient ourselves too. So, she may be feeling you were putting pressure on her to hurry when you may not have been.

It's a bit sensitive to ask- so- obviously feel free to ignore this but, does she have dementia symptoms? That can also change our character.

Has your Mum mentioned the scan yet and, not wanting treatment? Sometimes, when it actually happens, I expect people might react differently but, that's kind of unfair for your Dad to expect you to talk her round. Is he trying to do the same?

Thanks
Half the time when I ask her if she needs anything, she just replies that she needs a new body. It's so sad. And then I feel even worse that I am not good with her.

No dementia issues, that's like the one thing she luckily does not have. Just regular old forgetting things sometimes but honestly, my memory is going downhill fast!

Well, I told her earlier today that Dad told me about the lump. I said why didn't you tell me and she claimed she didn't wanna scare me. At this point, we have no idea what it is so my father just wants her to see a doctor about it. I'm sure she will need to see a specialist and I'm sure that will be a months long Wait. But I don't think she even wants to deal with the doctor part. She claims she told both me and my father years ago that if she were ever to get cancer, she would not want treatment. I remember her telling me, but I doubt she said that to my father and whether she did or not he would probably think she was delusional. He doesn't understand what it's like that she has no quality of life. I'm sure he will bring it up to her at some point and now I feel like I'm just waiting for a huge argument. And what if I let it slip that not only do I respect her decision, but I feel the exact same way.

 

[danfritz]

I live with my 75-year-old parents. My father is quite healthy, but my mother has so many physical issues she is housebound. I already help her out around the house for all that.But Every couple of years she gets really sick with something and that makes it worse.

This time it's colitis. She went to the ER yesterday and got diagnosed. She had been feeling sick since Friday night and had major pain.So I have been in full caretaker mode since then. I am horrible at it. I'm just not cut out to take care of anyone else. I honestly believe I am a sympathetic person, but I just have no patience. Yesterday I was helping her after her shower and she told me to please stop being so impatient because it stresses her out.

Doing this makes me question how anybody can decide to be a parent and have to do all that taking care of their kids. And then when our parents are older, we are expected to take care of them. I dread getting older and I'm terrified of it and would like to avoid it if I can. She doesn't realize this is a front row seat to seeing all the things I am afraid of and why I don't want to be here.

On top of everything, my father informed me just minutes ago that the CAT scan she had yesterday also picked up a lump on her breast. My mother told me years ago She would never get treatment if she had cancer. I don't blame her. She has enough problems as it is. Honestly, I feel the same way. But my father told me to get on top of her to do something about it. How am I supposed to do that when I wouldn't want it for myself???

I'm so sorry to hear this. I can only offer my hope that you are able to work through this.

If it's any consolation, im going through something similar with my 89-year old mother. She is in a nursing home after having bladder cancer, kidney cancer, kidney removal, pacemaker maker, COVID. She's been there for almost a year and will probably die there. It breaks my heart that I can't do much for her other than visit as much as possible. We live in a very rural area so I can't just line up an in-house nurse.

 

[NoPoint2Life]

You are right- that is heartbreaking. Your mom has been through A LOT.

I'll keep you in my thoughts. As it turns out my mom does in fact have cancer, so we are waiting for more information to find out the next steps. So I am already anticipating more caretaking for 2025 because surprisingly she is willing to have surgery.

 

[ringo99]

I understand completely. Both my parents are aged and their health is only getting worse. My dad soon will need knee and prostate surgery that our insurance will barely cover. Our financial situation is slowly becoming dire and just one major medical emergency will ruin us. My own crippling depression, poor job prospects, degrading mental faculties and health are getting in the way of looking after them and myself properly. The only hope is that once I'm gone my relatives and mother's friends can step in to help out. My contribution will be a decent life insurance payout that will wipe out our few remaining debts and guarantee at most a decade of financial stability for my parents. I'm just glad I stayed single and don't have any children. There's no way I could've dealt with additional responsibilities the way things are right now.

 

[danfritz]

You are right- that is heartbreaking. Your mom has been through A LOT.

I'll keep you in my thoughts. As it turns out my mom does in fact have cancer, so we are waiting for more information to find out the next steps. So I am already anticipating more caretaking for 2025 because surprisingly she is willing to have surgery.
[/QUOTE

You are right- that is heartbreaking. Your mom has been through A LOT.

I'll keep you in my thoughts. As it turns out my mom does in fact have cancer, so we are waiting for more information to find out the next steps. So I am already anticipating more caretaking for 2025 because surprisingly she is willing to have surgery.

i can only offer some observations from my situation- 89-year old mother had kidney cancer, bladder cancer, kidney removed, pacemaker maker, arthritis, in a nursing home, needs an aide to help her with everything.

When she was first diagnosed with cancer, and then with every subsequent illness that cropped up, mom and dad's response was "whatever it takes (to keep going). I haven't asked them yet, but in hindsight, I'd be curious to know if they now think that was the right call. Mom is miserable in a nursing home, dad stresses about the cost, she has no quality of life, just eating, sleeping, sitting in a chair all day, filling her diaper and waiting to die. If tyey knew then how things would play out, I doubt they would have "kept going whatever it takes".

There comes a time when modern medicine keeps you alive way longer than is natural or appropriate.

 

[notreallybored]

ב''ה,

At least she didn't participate in helping you lose a home, playing keep-away with assets etc.

 

[NoPoint2Life]

That's so true @danfritz. I'm so sorry for your mom. That sounds 100 times worse than even my mom. My mom is basically housebound other than doctor appointments but at least she can still go to the bathroom on her own and get up on her own and all that. she lives with chronic pain.

the what ifs in your situation are huge. Does having a front row center seat make you scared about getting older? I am terrified to get older and I 100% back my mom up if all she wants is surgery if necessary and no other treatment. Quite honestly if it were me at 44 I would want the same thing as I have no desire to fight for a life I don't even want. Of course, if people found that out, I'd probably be committed.

 

[danfritz]

That's so true @danfritz. I'm so sorry for your mom. That sounds 100 times worse than even my mom. My mom is basically housebound other than doctor appointments but at least she can still go to the bathroom on her own and get up on her own and all that. she lives with chronic pain.

the what ifs in your situation are huge. Does having a front row center seat make you scared about getting older? I am terrified to get older and I 100% back my mom up if all she wants is surgery if necessary and no other treatment. Quite honestly if it were me at 44 I would want the same thing as I have no desire to fight for a life I don't even want. Of course, if people found that out, I'd probably be committed.

I wouldn't say it makes me scared, but definitely makes me seriously think about what I'll do when my time approaches. That's one reason I'm on this site. Talk to other people, make plans, etc. I'm 60, so it's not that far off. It's funny; I'm getting ready to retire so won't have to worry about work anymore, but realize I just shift the worry to my parents and then me…

 

[danfritz]

You are right- that is heartbreaking. Your mom has been through A LOT.

I'll keep you in my thoughts. As it turns out my mom does in fact have cancer, so we are waiting for more information to find out the next steps. So I am already anticipating more caretaking for 2025 because surprisingly she is willing to have surgery.

Have a very candid conversation with the doctor about what happens if she has the surgery vs if she doesn't. Through all of my mom's health issues, the thought was to do whatever it took to keep her going. Now she's trapped in a nursing home and hates every day. I bet if she could go back in time she would have chosen differently.