Venting My My... It's been a while

[ixkitty]

I've been living the best I can. I've met someone amazing. I've started a passion I've wanted to pursue. I have an okay job that gives me the flexibility to study and practice the passion I have. I'm affording my place still. I should be happy... right? I should feel okay... right? I shouldn't want to die...still... right? Then why? Why do I still feel the way I feel? Is it because the person I met is married, and I know nothing will ever come of it? No... I'm not dating material. Is it because I lost motivation for this passion that I finally want for myself? I should expect that... this isn't the first time I've stopped something that meant a lot to me... Is it the job? The volatile, unsecured, chaotic job? I don't have anything marketable, so I should just accept that. But I can afford my own place! The same place that I can't figure out how to organize, clean, and make my own. The same place that I've lived in for years, and not once have I given a home to the majority of the things I own. My sister, who has moved in temporarily, has done a better job cleaning, and she did it within a weekend... no, she did it in less than a day. She's really good at that, though. My brother and her are really good at just... doing things. They don't need medication, or outside help, or anything to do what they want. They can just get up and do it. I'm the one fucked up.

I shouldn't feel this way... I'm in therapy! I talk to her about almost everything. I tell her when I'm having bad days. She helps! So why? Why am I hiding this from her? She hasn't sent me to the hospital yet. She hasn't sent me to That Man*. I really am just broken.