DyingToDie123
she/her
- Oct 25, 2023
- 385
Hi. I used to be a regular user of this site under a different username. We'll get to that in a minute. But wow have I missed you all. The pro-lifers have really fucked me up lately.
It's been a wild month. I went off my meds for a while because I felt like (and still feel like) they were just numbing me into complacency in life despite being so unhappy. And it was great. I was finally getting progress on my ctb plans and was posting on here lots, getting lots of great feedback from you all. I had it figured out, and I had a note for a person in particular, who we'll call A that had left my life and hurt me a lot through that.
Mistake #1: I sent that note before I went to jump. And it was not the nicest note. I mean, it wasn't meant to be scathing or anything, but it was no love letter. I told them I wanted them to feel guilty for my death, because, even though I was going to do it eventually anyway, they had triggered the most recent episode of ctb thoughts with several events and actions that had happened. (I realize these are not things I should have said, but I did, and I feel bad about that.)
I sent it before in part because I wanted to give them a chance to react, to call and change things, before ending it all. They didn't, but by the time I got to the bridge, I realized it wasn't as tall as I thought it was (even if it is a common sui bridge) and I backed out. I needed alcohol for this.
Mistake #2: I should have scoped this out before sending the note.
(I did send an apology for pre-maturely sending the note, but I wasn't as thoughtful as it could have been.)
Eventually I got a call from a mutual friend, who we'll call B, then my mother, and went home to my dad insisting I needed to go to the hospital. We did eventually (well, we went to an ER that didn't take me because I insisted I was fine, but my dad got mad and took me to a crisis stabilization unit for a "second opinion"), and I went in voluntarily, and did well enough that they let me go in 3 days instead of the two weeks they originally recommended.
I didn't want to tell most people I was at home because I didn't want them to send me back. But there was one person, who we'll call C, who's a fellow suicidal person who I knew would just get it. So we talked for a while and I vented a lot about A and how much I wanted to die and how and when I was going to do it. I moved our conversation to Signal with auto-deleting messages so they couldn't be blamed for my death because of how much I was talking about it.
A few days later I finally decided to go back to the bridge, just to get myself accustomed to the place and where I could/should jump and maybe I'd even have the guts to, but I wasn't expecting that. I told C, and C says they'll buy me heroin as a more pleasant way to die, and I say I consider. Meanwhile a cop car comes by really slowly and I joke that they're looking for me. Then an ambulance, then another cop car. C tells me to get a Lyft home and C'll pay for it. I hide out in a nearby CVS while I wait for my ride, and then I get a call from an unknown number.
Mistake #3: I pick it up.
It's the cops.
Mistake #4: I panic about my messages about heroin and delete Signal.
They come to me outside, asked me if I've texted anyone recently, ask me if I'm planning to jump off that bridge, I say no, because today I'm not, I never was. They ask if I want to kill myself.
Mistake #5: I say "yes, but I'm not going to".
They say they have to take me to the hospital.
So I go, and after a few hours they evaluate me and read me the police report. It's 67% false. They say I said "I'm going to swan dive off of the bridge" (never said that, and lowkey embarrassing), "the barriers are too high for me to swan dive off the bridge" (I did say this, also embarrassing), and I leave every hospital Against Medical Advice (completely false, I've never left a hospital against medical advice). They do not take my word for these things, and I don't have anything to prove them, because I fucking deleted Signal like an idiot. So they hospitalize me, involuntarily (which I am PISSED about because I study foreign policy and most jobs available to me require a security clearance, which I've been told is hard to get with involuntary admission on your record). The place is a nightmare — I've been to a lot of hospitals, but none like this. It's the kind that makes you want to die more by going there.
When I get to the hospital I want so badly to talk to C (or B, who the cops also apparently talked to) and figure out what happened, because, like, what? Why were they telling me to Lyft home if they called the cops? But I didn't write down any numbers because I didn't know I was going to be in a hospital. I know A's number though, because they were an emergency contact for me back when we were still friends.
I try to call them. After the second call, it's clear that they've blocked me. I leave a couple voicemails begging them to please call back, I just want C or B's number, you don't even have to talk to me, just give it to tech who picks up. I figure if I call enough times I might get the urgency across enough for them to check their voicemail.
Mistake #6: I call A 9 times.
My parents eventually find out, drive 6 hours to bring me clothes (they're nice sometimes), and as they're driving home, they get an email from C's wife saying that A and an undisclosed person among this mutual friend group (I presume B) want restraining orders against me unless I go to Borderline Personality Disorder Camp for 30 days.
Now, I'm a student. I took a year off (you can't just take a semester off in my program because courses are sequential and not offered every semester) last year for Partial Hospitalization and Residential already. I have done hours of DBT. And I have never been diagnosed with BPD. I suspected I had it a couple years ago, so I told my therapist, and we went over the criteria together, and I only met 3, 2 of which (emptiness and suicidal thoughts) are symptoms of depression, so it didn't make sense. But I was willing to do this for my fake BPD to avoid a restraining order.
My parents are having none of this, nor do they think there are grounds for a restraining order, so we lawyer up. Lawyer says that most people solve this by an "under the wire" agreement that doesn't go through the legal system so the would-be petitioner gets what they want without the would-be respondent having this on their record. Win win, right? I say I don't think it's going to work, they're really firm about that restraining order. My mom says of course it will, neither party wants a restraining order.
Mistake #7: I listened.
So we write up the agreement, but one week later, restraining order (from A, not B, there's no grounds for one for B).
I pick up the petition from the Sheriff's office. The main offense is the suicide note I wrote. There are references to suicide attempts (I never actually attempted, but it wouldn't be criminal if I did.) There are claims of psychological abuse from me expressing suicidal thoughts (they say I manipulated A into helping me even though I repeatedly asked them not to because they always turned around and said they were tired of helping me), but no evidence. There's a reference to my calling 9 times, but as we discussed that was not malicious in any way. There's texts about me venting about A to C. And there's posts from my SaSu profile (after I told C about SaSu) to prove how crazy I am. My parents read all of this. It's mortifying. (Though they're surprisingly chill about it.)
…
So anyway, now I have no friends and a restraining order on my background (which, remember that foreign policy interest and security clearance necessity I mentioned earlier? Yep, gotta find a new career path now). Friends and career were all I had to live for. I plan to ctb this week. I want it to be close to the hearing (which was Monday) to make it loud and clear that this is what ruined everything for me. I'm nervous, but I'm also mad at myself for chickening out so often when I know this is what I want, and I've known that for so long. I think this might be the thing I've been waiting for to tip me off the ledge (literally). Wish me luck.
(Moral of the story: Don't write anything on here that you wouldn't want to show up in court. Or be very careful about keeping this site private.)
It's been a wild month. I went off my meds for a while because I felt like (and still feel like) they were just numbing me into complacency in life despite being so unhappy. And it was great. I was finally getting progress on my ctb plans and was posting on here lots, getting lots of great feedback from you all. I had it figured out, and I had a note for a person in particular, who we'll call A that had left my life and hurt me a lot through that.
Mistake #1: I sent that note before I went to jump. And it was not the nicest note. I mean, it wasn't meant to be scathing or anything, but it was no love letter. I told them I wanted them to feel guilty for my death, because, even though I was going to do it eventually anyway, they had triggered the most recent episode of ctb thoughts with several events and actions that had happened. (I realize these are not things I should have said, but I did, and I feel bad about that.)
I sent it before in part because I wanted to give them a chance to react, to call and change things, before ending it all. They didn't, but by the time I got to the bridge, I realized it wasn't as tall as I thought it was (even if it is a common sui bridge) and I backed out. I needed alcohol for this.
Mistake #2: I should have scoped this out before sending the note.
(I did send an apology for pre-maturely sending the note, but I wasn't as thoughtful as it could have been.)
Eventually I got a call from a mutual friend, who we'll call B, then my mother, and went home to my dad insisting I needed to go to the hospital. We did eventually (well, we went to an ER that didn't take me because I insisted I was fine, but my dad got mad and took me to a crisis stabilization unit for a "second opinion"), and I went in voluntarily, and did well enough that they let me go in 3 days instead of the two weeks they originally recommended.
I didn't want to tell most people I was at home because I didn't want them to send me back. But there was one person, who we'll call C, who's a fellow suicidal person who I knew would just get it. So we talked for a while and I vented a lot about A and how much I wanted to die and how and when I was going to do it. I moved our conversation to Signal with auto-deleting messages so they couldn't be blamed for my death because of how much I was talking about it.
A few days later I finally decided to go back to the bridge, just to get myself accustomed to the place and where I could/should jump and maybe I'd even have the guts to, but I wasn't expecting that. I told C, and C says they'll buy me heroin as a more pleasant way to die, and I say I consider. Meanwhile a cop car comes by really slowly and I joke that they're looking for me. Then an ambulance, then another cop car. C tells me to get a Lyft home and C'll pay for it. I hide out in a nearby CVS while I wait for my ride, and then I get a call from an unknown number.
Mistake #3: I pick it up.
It's the cops.
Mistake #4: I panic about my messages about heroin and delete Signal.
They come to me outside, asked me if I've texted anyone recently, ask me if I'm planning to jump off that bridge, I say no, because today I'm not, I never was. They ask if I want to kill myself.
Mistake #5: I say "yes, but I'm not going to".
They say they have to take me to the hospital.
So I go, and after a few hours they evaluate me and read me the police report. It's 67% false. They say I said "I'm going to swan dive off of the bridge" (never said that, and lowkey embarrassing), "the barriers are too high for me to swan dive off the bridge" (I did say this, also embarrassing), and I leave every hospital Against Medical Advice (completely false, I've never left a hospital against medical advice). They do not take my word for these things, and I don't have anything to prove them, because I fucking deleted Signal like an idiot. So they hospitalize me, involuntarily (which I am PISSED about because I study foreign policy and most jobs available to me require a security clearance, which I've been told is hard to get with involuntary admission on your record). The place is a nightmare — I've been to a lot of hospitals, but none like this. It's the kind that makes you want to die more by going there.
When I get to the hospital I want so badly to talk to C (or B, who the cops also apparently talked to) and figure out what happened, because, like, what? Why were they telling me to Lyft home if they called the cops? But I didn't write down any numbers because I didn't know I was going to be in a hospital. I know A's number though, because they were an emergency contact for me back when we were still friends.
I try to call them. After the second call, it's clear that they've blocked me. I leave a couple voicemails begging them to please call back, I just want C or B's number, you don't even have to talk to me, just give it to tech who picks up. I figure if I call enough times I might get the urgency across enough for them to check their voicemail.
Mistake #6: I call A 9 times.
My parents eventually find out, drive 6 hours to bring me clothes (they're nice sometimes), and as they're driving home, they get an email from C's wife saying that A and an undisclosed person among this mutual friend group (I presume B) want restraining orders against me unless I go to Borderline Personality Disorder Camp for 30 days.
Now, I'm a student. I took a year off (you can't just take a semester off in my program because courses are sequential and not offered every semester) last year for Partial Hospitalization and Residential already. I have done hours of DBT. And I have never been diagnosed with BPD. I suspected I had it a couple years ago, so I told my therapist, and we went over the criteria together, and I only met 3, 2 of which (emptiness and suicidal thoughts) are symptoms of depression, so it didn't make sense. But I was willing to do this for my fake BPD to avoid a restraining order.
My parents are having none of this, nor do they think there are grounds for a restraining order, so we lawyer up. Lawyer says that most people solve this by an "under the wire" agreement that doesn't go through the legal system so the would-be petitioner gets what they want without the would-be respondent having this on their record. Win win, right? I say I don't think it's going to work, they're really firm about that restraining order. My mom says of course it will, neither party wants a restraining order.
Mistake #7: I listened.
So we write up the agreement, but one week later, restraining order (from A, not B, there's no grounds for one for B).
I pick up the petition from the Sheriff's office. The main offense is the suicide note I wrote. There are references to suicide attempts (I never actually attempted, but it wouldn't be criminal if I did.) There are claims of psychological abuse from me expressing suicidal thoughts (they say I manipulated A into helping me even though I repeatedly asked them not to because they always turned around and said they were tired of helping me), but no evidence. There's a reference to my calling 9 times, but as we discussed that was not malicious in any way. There's texts about me venting about A to C. And there's posts from my SaSu profile (after I told C about SaSu) to prove how crazy I am. My parents read all of this. It's mortifying. (Though they're surprisingly chill about it.)
…
So anyway, now I have no friends and a restraining order on my background (which, remember that foreign policy interest and security clearance necessity I mentioned earlier? Yep, gotta find a new career path now). Friends and career were all I had to live for. I plan to ctb this week. I want it to be close to the hearing (which was Monday) to make it loud and clear that this is what ruined everything for me. I'm nervous, but I'm also mad at myself for chickening out so often when I know this is what I want, and I've known that for so long. I think this might be the thing I've been waiting for to tip me off the ledge (literally). Wish me luck.
(Moral of the story: Don't write anything on here that you wouldn't want to show up in court. Or be very careful about keeping this site private.)
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