Saponification
A piece of nothing
- Jun 27, 2024
- 104
When I was a kid, like most people, I was scared of death. One day something reminded me of death—don't remember what, exactly—which prompted me to desperately look in the internet for what happens after death. Obviously, I didn't find any conclusive answers.
I don't know exactly what happened, but, some time after that, the fear of the unknown slowly started turning into a certain curiosity. I wasn't frightened anymore, I wanted to know what happens after death and "see" it for myself. "Life is boring, death sounds interesting"—I thought. Thus, at the age of ~12-13, I became passively suicidal.
Some years after that, I ran into the ideas of antinatalism, efilism and lastly promortalism, all of which instantly resonated with me due to my aversion towards life in general. In truth, I think I already kind of had these ideas without having a name for them.
The most influential for me at that moment was promortalism, of course. After reading some discourse around the idea, I realized that the idea that after death I would be suspended in some void lamenting my imposibility to feel anymore was illogical. If death meant the cessation of my existence (for context I've always been an atheist), then it would be true nothingness. The part of "me" that I identify as "me" would no longer exist. I wouldn't be discontent with my non-existence because that would be impossible.
Now, I was truly obsessed with the concept of death. While existence is imperfect and fundamentally flawed, non-existence is perfection. Death must be the solution to all my boredom and emptiness. And I still felt that "curiosity" of wanting to see how being dead was for myself, even though I knew it was illogical considering that death implies there would be no "me" to experience death.
This, combined with my depression and mental health decline, made me more and more suicidal each day. Now, I pretty much have zero interest in life and I'm waiting on the perfect time to CTB.
I don't know exactly what happened, but, some time after that, the fear of the unknown slowly started turning into a certain curiosity. I wasn't frightened anymore, I wanted to know what happens after death and "see" it for myself. "Life is boring, death sounds interesting"—I thought. Thus, at the age of ~12-13, I became passively suicidal.
Some years after that, I ran into the ideas of antinatalism, efilism and lastly promortalism, all of which instantly resonated with me due to my aversion towards life in general. In truth, I think I already kind of had these ideas without having a name for them.
The most influential for me at that moment was promortalism, of course. After reading some discourse around the idea, I realized that the idea that after death I would be suspended in some void lamenting my imposibility to feel anymore was illogical. If death meant the cessation of my existence (for context I've always been an atheist), then it would be true nothingness. The part of "me" that I identify as "me" would no longer exist. I wouldn't be discontent with my non-existence because that would be impossible.
Now, I was truly obsessed with the concept of death. While existence is imperfect and fundamentally flawed, non-existence is perfection. Death must be the solution to all my boredom and emptiness. And I still felt that "curiosity" of wanting to see how being dead was for myself, even though I knew it was illogical considering that death implies there would be no "me" to experience death.
This, combined with my depression and mental health decline, made me more and more suicidal each day. Now, I pretty much have zero interest in life and I'm waiting on the perfect time to CTB.
