Story My parents always prioritised others rather than me.

[Gaga786]

Growing up, I was told that I should always cater to other people first and prioritise my needs at the end. This eventually culminated me to new immensely caring and always trying to treat others with kindness, while neglecting my own emotions and feelings. For instance, I was being bullied in school because other children would try to use me for lunch money and I eventually succumbed to it–handing them whatever I had. My parents advice was always to "ignore" and keep being kind. They even suggested inviting my bullies to our house..Once, I remember– being a child– I was on our boat, where I desperately desired to go on to the water scooter for my turn, but my parents didn't let me. Instead, they allowed other children just for the sake of them being guests. It hurt me immensely that I locked myself in the cupboard for the entire duration of the trip. This same "attitude"is present in-front of my sister, married off at 17 in a very strict household, who was subjected to extreme abuse by the hands of her in-laws. I was just 5 years old when at the time of her marriage, so I got to see a lot of the abuse. The funny thing is that my parents never confronted them or comforted my sister, they would apologise to them on behalf of my sister and would often blame her. They never held their ground against our abusers or supported us
Did anyone else suffer from a similar scenario ?

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think it can affect us deeply and I'm sorry you have experienced this.

I can relate in two ways really. Firstly, my Grandma brought me up in my early years to be polite. To let others go first etc. Similarly to you. I think she could see herself that maybe this wasn't the best approach in this world where everyone just pushes their way to the front. That hasn't been too detrimental though I don't think. It's kind of coupled with a lack of confidence and shyness but it hasn't exactly been traumatising.

What was FAR worse was when my Dad remarried. I'm certain my step sibling was a Narcissist. They bullied me but ironically accused me of bullying them. They accused me of all sorts of things to the Head Master of our school, other friends and to my parents about stuff at home too- culminating in stealing (all falsely). And my parents just seemed to go along with it! I was really just too gobsmacked in shock and too timid to go against it.

That has really impacted me I think. There was an instance at work once when a till key went missing (shop work.) They rang around everyone that had been on shift to try and find it and it was just awful- because I got that sinking feeling it was all going to happen again. (Of course- they eventually found it and it was fine.)

I think this kind of thing happening in youth can make you paranoid growing up that things will happen and you won't be believed. Also- that- even when the chips are down- the people you hope will support you won't necessarily be in your corner. It's an unpleasant lesson to learn because I think it makes it harder to trust people in the future. I'm sorry you went through this.

 

[Gaga786]

I think it can affect us deeply and I'm sorry you have experienced this.

I can relate in two ways really. Firstly, my Grandma brought me up in my early years to be polite. To let others go first etc. Similarly to you. I think she could see herself that maybe this wasn't the best approach in this world where everyone just pushes their way to the front. That hasn't been too detrimental though I don't think. It's kind of coupled with a lack of confidence and shyness but it hasn't exactly been traumatising.

What was FAR worse was when my Dad remarried. I'm certain my step sibling was a Narcissist. They bullied me but ironically accused me of bullying them. They accused me of all sorts of things to the Head Master of our school, other friends and to my parents about stuff at home too- culminating in stealing (all falsely). And my parents just seemed to go along with it! I was really just too gobsmacked in shock and too timid to go against it.

That has really impacted me I think. There was an instance at work once when a till key went missing (shop work.) They rang around everyone that had been on shift to try and find it and it was just awful- because I got that sinking feeling it was all going to happen again. (Of course- they eventually found it and it was fine.)

I think this kind of thing happening in youth can make you paranoid growing up that things will happen and you won't be believed. Also- that- even when the chips are down- the people you hope will support you won't necessarily be in your corner. It's an unpleasant lesson to learn because I think it makes it harder to trust people in the future. I'm sorry you went through this.

Thank you. Yes, I agree, its just that its infuriating how my parents attitudes have caused me further trauma, and –even now– I try to emulate my parents through being kind. its like I'm a mere shadow of them, which drives me angry. If I hadn't been so kind, I would stand up for myself in school rather than be a punching bag for everyone, including teachers.
My brother also subdued me throughout all these years, given that he was ADHD, so that impelled me to have low confidence and it further amplified my struggles. The issue with me is that im extremely transparent, literally as glass; trusting of everyone as well, which makes me feel very awkward at times.