My poly wife

[random222]

My wife told me she was polyamorous and after 8 years of monogamy she found a new boyfriend because she isn't satisfied with just me, I'm not enough. This weekend he came to our house and I slept upstairs while she slept in our bed with him and they had sex. Later in the day he took a trip to Lowes and she and I had sex. Then the three of us laid in bed naked together stroking my wife and watching tv and fell asleep. Then we had dinner and I ran an errand so they could have sex again before he went home. Then my wife and I had sex again before going to sleep.

Monday morning we had sex again and good communication. I love her so much (too much?) and I'm trying to be supportive. But then I missed a signal that she wanted to have sex with me (I thought she was fantasizing about him) and she became frustrated with me because she felt rejected. And now things are bad, she's upset, we aren't communicating well, we aren't connecting. I tried to initiate sex and she said I was being too awkward.

She promised this would lead to more sex for the two of us. And maybe the three of us. But today I went to Rural King to look at shotguns and I held the gun I might buy to CTB in the parking lot if this isn't resolved soon. He's coming back Friday but I don't know that I will be here.

 

[SnowLeopard21]

My wife told me she was polyamorous and after 8 years

And she just tells you now? Wow.

 

[tercermundista]

Ok...

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Polyamory is meant to be consensual and mutual amongst all parties. The fact that she found a new boyfriend before telling you all of this and the fact that you clearly aren't comfortable with this arrangement is a good sign that you should just end things with her.

 

[deadbidaylight]

Yeah somethings not adding up here. Just because she found a "boyfriend" doesn't make her polyamorous. It makes her a cheat that thinks she can get away with it by putting a label on it. Polyamory is consensual on ALL PARTIES INVOLVED. Not 8 friggen years later! Had she truly been polyamorous, she would've informed you from the start and given you the opportunity to decide if you wanted to participate. This is not polyamory. It's cheating. Period.

The fact that she had the gall to bring this man into your home and into YOUR MARITAL BED while you were in the house and then proceed to sleep with him is absolutely atrocious. I am stunned. Wow.

I say, rather than ending your life over this woman, tell her to move in with her "boyfriend" and offer to help her pack. Her awful indiscretions has nothing to do with your self worth as a lover, husband or human being. This is 100% a her problem. She is undeserving of you, and you are far better off finding a woman whose views align with yours.

Give yourself a chance. She is absolutely not worth your life. You are far more valuable than how she is treating you. I know you love her, but to what expense? Your life? She isn't lying awake in bed feeling guilty for her actions and how it's affecting you. Tell her to get lost.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. No one deserves this. My heart goes out to you. I hope you can find the strength to overcome this and put yourself first. If you are uncomfortable sharing your wife with another man, the wife needs to go, not you.

 

[SnowLeopard21]

Polyamory is meant to be consensual and mutual amongst all parties. The fact that she found a new boyfriend before telling you all of this and the fact that you clearly aren't comfortable with this arrangement is a good sign that you should just end things with her.

Absolutely agreed. Not to mention that she made this arrangement with this third party without telling you initially makes me suspect that she's been doing this longer than you have known.

 

[kcon1243]

Yeah, my partner of 2 decades did the same shit. They found some teenagers online halfway around the world and had some online affairs, then decided to casually tell me one day, but not all the details, and then a couple months later basically revealed she sent her whole retirement fund to these kids and that I have to accept the nonmonogamy if I wanted to be with her. I tried for 1.5 years but it was a train wreck and I highly recommend just dipping out from the dynamic before it gets even worse... and it will get worse, or at least my situation did. People who don't value consent are not worth your time... and tbh, it seems like that's the majority of the global population, everyone is just trying to pull one over on everyone else for their own personal gain. Anyway, eff her. Eff them. If you kill yourself, don't let her be the reason. Don't give her that power. The choice of life and the choice of death should be yours and yours alone.

 

[random222]

She has been very open with me about this. The boyfriend was sudden, but her feelings and needs evolved over a long period of time and she has been researching and sharing things about ethical non-monogamy with me for over a year and has discussed this aspect of herself throughout our relationship, though I tried to suppress it. So, I accept it about her. She did present an ultimatum of sorts, suggesting we might not be compatible if I couldn't accept this about her. Expressing that she needed this to feel alive, to be happy, to live a life without regrets.

I was involved with selecting the boyfriend, and kind of vetoed another guy who was awful. This guy is actually quite good and I feel like he really cares about her and is a good match. At times I'm on board with this dynamic, and at other times I become desperate and want to end things permanently. My situation is more complicated than being able to just walk away. I have a prenuptial agreement and other financial obligations due to a bankruptcy that would leave me with less than $500 per month to survive on.

 

[(in)sane]

Yeah, my partner of 2 decades did the same shit. They found some teenagers online halfway around the world and had some online affairs

TEENAGERS??

 

[kcon1243]

TEENAGERS??

Yeah, the kids weren't even alive when my ex and I first met and hooked up. Obviously young enough to be our children. Pretty appalling.

 

[random222]

She doesn't think I'm masculine enough and feels like that makes her masculine side come out. She wants to be more femine.
Now I am comparing myself to him with everything I do. I assembled a BBQ grill and kept thinking how he would have done it faster and better. How she enjoys kissing him more than she does me. How their sex is novel and he is younger and better.

 

[Apokryphiel]

I'm sorry if this isn't the right place or time for this, but Polyamory is such a disgusting concept to me. It's nothing but a mockery of true love.

I truly hope the best for you in whichever path you take from here on out, random222.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

She doesn't think I'm masculine enough and feels like that makes her masculine side come out. She wants to be more femine.

Yeah, you should definitely just end it with her. Not to be rude, but she sounds like she kind of sucks.

I'm sorry if this isn't the right place or time for this, but Polyamory is such a disgusting concept to me. It's nothing but a mockery of true love.

I truly hope the best for you in whichever path you take from here on out, random222.

Who you are to define what love means? While I don't think that I would ever agree to being in a polyamorous relationship, for many they find that it tends to be a good fit for them.

 

[Apokryphiel]

Who you are to define what love means?

We're all deserving of our own beliefs. I may find the concept of it repulsive, but I have nothing but respect for the people who may choose that path. We're all only human.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

We're all deserving of our own beliefs. I may find the concept of it repulsive, but I have nothing but respect for the people who may choose that path. We're all only human.

Okay, cool. Why are you sharing this though? Nobody asked.

 

[Apokryphiel]

Why are you sharing this though? Nobody asked.

Sending my condolences to the original poster. Kindness isn't something that has to be asked for in my eyes.

You should stop going off-topic.

 

[kcon1243]

She doesn't think I'm masculine enough and feels like that makes her masculine side come out. She wants to be more femine.
Now I am comparing myself to him with everything I do. I assembled a BBQ grill and kept thinking how he would have done it faster and better. How she enjoys kissing him more than she does me. How their sex is novel and he is younger and better.

These are all signs you need to dip. I felt the same way. Those feelings will only amplify with time.

 

[grapevoid]

I'm sorry that you've been stuck in this situation that makes you feel like you're not enough. Polyamory is not for everyone. It is important that you are on solid ground before introducing another person into your relationship. Please communicate that this is having a HUGE negative impact on your mental health. If she loves you the way you obviously love her she will cease this journey with polyamory immediately to protect you and to protect your marriage together. If she does not, leave. All the other things can be worked out as far as finances. There is also a chance infidelity will have an effect on the terms of your prenup depending on your location. Your feelings are valid and I'd say likely common even in poly relationships. I couldn't function in one, I would be very insecure in your situation, too.

Just one thing - I find it truly f'ing weird that you missing the signal that she wanted to have sex one time has caused such a huge amount of turmoil. It's not that serious, she needs to get over herself.